CranialSpasm

Bro: “How does Wil Smith get so much work?”
Drew: “By being the whitest black guy.”
3/3/2012

That’s what I picture the Titanic would be if they survived a few more hours.
ChrisS 3/3/12 [Oregon Trail]

It IS a big penis.
Ali 3/3/12

If I knew this was a witch hunt, I would have brought my grimoire.
Pat 3/3/12

She’s practically stapled her labia to him.
Thom 3/5/12

He was round bellied and stupid eyed.
Jeri 3/5/12

She had big Mariah Carey hands.
Thom 3/5/12

Curiously stronger than vaginas?
Bro 3/8/12

Ray: “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
Chad: “The heart is dumb”
3/9/2012

It’s like really rough sex in a pool.
AshleyS 3/10/12

It’s the LL Cool J of cars.
Ali 3/16/12

I don’t know the difference between gladiators and jails.
Jeri 3/19/12

Josh: How old was the Christian Slater character in the book?
Ali: CHRISTIAN SLATER IS IN THIS BOOK?
[RC] 3/21/12 (Book: The Name of the Rose)

Ali: You’re gonna be the dad that, on Christmas morning, points at your kids wrapped presents and says “pajamas and a hologame” while talking about how Santa isn’t real.
Seth: I told everyone in my preschool that Santa wasn’t real. I was 3½. My parents were called in for a discussion.
Ali: You’re a dick.
[RC] 3/21/12

Thanks a lot, I only have a verb named after me because I don’t like when people do that, but whatever it’s fine.
[RC] Seth 3/22/12

I’m going to start telling people I don’t simply have leftovers, I have Leftovertures because my meals are masterpieces (lie)
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Seth: All the pianos in Heaven are white.
Ali: I learned that from Happy Gilmore.
[RC] 3/22/12

Taupe…what a waste of a color. I guess I’d take the 70s Avocado. Although I wish they had what my mother referred to as “baby sh*t gold”, the other prominent color of the 70s
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Wait… did Moses lead the American Revolution? That guy looks like he’s about to take the troops across the Red Delaware.
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Ali: A woman just told me that she pays us so we’d damn well better come later in the day. I said “a lot of people pay us. that’s why we’re there so early.”
Seth: Greatest generation my butt.
3/22/2012

Dude, nobody likes a skort.
Pat 3/23/12

*sung* Zombies, zombies everywhere… Zombies zombies in my hair… *spoken* They’re trying to get at my brains.
Steve 3/28/12

I’m not angry, I’m just drinking
Steve 3/30/12

Ali: It’s your turn, ass face.
Steve: I’m going… I don’t like that I answered to that.
3/30/2012

Steve for President 2012: Count on evil.
Ali 3/30/12

Ash: I invoke the rule of sanctuary!
Steve: Point it out to me in the rules of Sorry.
3/30/2012

You’re a cunt monger
Ash 3/30/12

If you’ve ever had a period, take the penalty.
Steve 3/30/12

He sounds like Iggy Pop, but with less hepatitis.
Vicki 1/1/12

Seth: Would anybody else watch Riot Cats if it was a show on TNT?
Ali: I would.
Seth: I see it as SWAT with all roles played by kittens.
Ali: We have cameras and I’m sure someone will let us borrow kittens for
an evening.
Paul: This show sounds amazing.
[RC] 1/09/12

Ali: Maybe if you track your mood you may be more likely to give
something another try in the future.
Josh: I’d probably spend too long figuring out what kind of mood I’m in.
Seth: Wait, by what criteria are we rating moods? Let’s discuss this for
a few hours.
Paul: I dispute the whole concept of “moods”
Mike: Agreed. What really is self awareness anyway? a flawed prism of
introspection?
Ali: … I hate all of you.
[RC] 1/10/12

I’d totally see a movie called Devil Bucket.
[RC] Seth 1/11/12

I’m still looking for fat ho’s.
Steve 1/11/12

Sports are boring to AliMonster. If you keep me in this thread, add
kitteh pictures.
[RC] Ali 1/12/12

Marissa: Paul, you’re about to claim that Jordan is a Templar aren’t
you? Or at the very least a Mason?
Ali: Jordan, Bird, and Pippen formed the Balluminati.
Seth: Does anyone still really care about walkhockey? I know the NBA
owners don’t, and no one associated with the Knicks has for years.
Marissa: Seth, hush!! This is the kind of speak that gets you thrown in
the court of Justice. You’re then sentenced to a one-on-one sudden
death match-up with Michael Jordan or one of the other Centers of
Darkness. It never ends well for the lowly people.
[RC] 1/12/12

I’m really not a fan of fillers like this. It sounds like it ran away
from a Tim Burton movie.
[RC] Marissa 1/12/12

Rule #2 – You don’t talk about Fight Club. This is Record Club, stupid.
[RC] Josh 1/12/12

Seth: Paul, did anyone teach you how to start a new thread?
Paul: What did I do wrong? I guess I was a little lazy on thread
etiquette here-is that what you’re saying?
Seth: I’m just saying Joni Mitchell was acquitted of all charges in the
OKC incident.
[RC] 1/13/12

He had about four Tibetan Big Gulps.
Seth 1/13/12

Do you cum salt petre?
Ali 1/13/12

You blew a stripper? That’s like blowing every lady that got married
that year.
Ali 1/13/12

Once you go fat, you never go flat.
Seth 1/13/12

He has a beef chef boyardee about him?
Vicki 1/13/12

“Why does my sock smell so good?”
“You been walkin on sunshine?”
Seth and Vicki 1/13/12

I’m flying high on the new season of NeverNotFunny. And codeine cough
medicine. Mostly the medicine, actually. Turns out I can’t teleport. I
am just walking around during blackouts.
[RC] Seth 1/18/12

“Ali’s drunk so don’t listen to her.”
“Also true.”
Steve and Ali 1/18/12

I’ve never seen Bill Paxton look that happy.
[RC] Marissa 1/19/12

You didn’t know Hitler hated the balcony?
Ashley 1/20/12

Was that somebody’s snowblower or did they just pull up?
Seth 1/23/12

Lolmayor.
[RC] Christina 1/25/12

He’s kind of fun though. He’s like the Michael Scott of Mayors.
[RC] Kevin 1/25/12

Josh: He probably did about 5 straight terms and then lost to April
Capone a few years ago and just got reelected last year. The funny thing
is, April’s main problem was she was at odds with the police force. She
definitely would have handled that question better.
Paul: Who would’ve thought-A Capone at odds with the police force
[RC] 1/25/12

“Seth: “Mayor Joseph Maturo SAYS he’s having tacos for dinner, but Mayor
Maturo’s wife actually is making a box of Velveeta Cheezy Skillet. Do we
need a mayor who can’t tell the truth about dinner?
I’m Harvey Stanton. When I commit to a meal, I don’t back out or
flip-flop. I have eaten tacos, spaghetti, General Tso’s, pho, and
haggis. As your mayor, I’ll eat anything, anywhere. And that’s a
promise.”"
Ali: …. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies?
[RC] 1/25/12

Jared: My favorite quote – “I said maybe go out and have a latino meal
tonight, whether it be tacos or whether it be any other meal.”
Ali: … Latino Swedish Meatballs are delicious. I find nothing funny
about that sentence.
[RC] 1/25/12

That must happen in every town. Mayors give jobs to their friends and
relatives. It’s a fact of life. When Borer was mayor of west haven, he
was notorious for that. He was also notorious for hiring contractors,
paid for by the city of West Haven, to make home improvements to his
house & paying for regular flights to Ohio to meet his concubine.
[RC] Christina 1/25/12

That’s why they keep electing Picard. He’s the least crooked guy they’ve
had since the British burned the place down.
[RC] Seth 1/25/12

Is this whole thing about pizza and politics? I just want to know if
there’s anything I’m missing….
[RC] Marissa 1/25/12

Christmas at her house is a more offensive stereotype than the Olive
Garden.
[RC] Ali 1/25/12

Rosebud is Norman Bates’ mother all along.
[RC] Seth 1/26/12

If I could fuck Groupon, I would.
Ali 1/30/11

“We call the process of growing a beard after achieving recognition as a
child actor “”Wheatonization”".
Ain’t no beard alive as glorious as that which resides on the chinny
chin chin of the former Wesley Crusher. ”
[RC] Ali 1/31/12

If I were President, I’d make Sugarland fans enemy combatants and put them all in Gitmo.
[RC] Chris 12/1/11

Is it too serious when my coworkers see me crying at work?
[RC] Mike 12/1/11

Ali: Will listening to this automatically make me a Juggalo? If it does, I refuse to listen to it. I really hate face paint and the idea of legally changing my name to Shank McGee would make me wonder if it is possible to curbstomp my own damn self.
Chris: The Joke’s On You Shanks.
[RC] 12/1/11

I’m a were-juggalo.
[RC] Ali 12/1/11

Seth: I would hate to have it said that I treated Violent J differently than John Zorn.
Josh: Exactly. You don’t want to give Violent J that much power.
Seth: I am fairly confident that Zorn could take him in a fist fight, though.
[RC] 12/1/11

Marissa: Oh don’t get your boxers bungled boys, I’ve listened to all of the songs so far. I’m just certain that this is the only Insane Clown Posse album I’ll ever listen to. I wasn’t prepared for this day when I was preparing for my life in high school
Ali: If you included ICP in your 10 year plan, I really think we wouldn’t be friends.
Ali: GUYS… MY GRAMMAR IS GETTING WORSE.
Seth: Mine be worser two!
Marissa: OH NO…if you keep listening, in three more tracks, you’re going to start looking for a guy in a dirty white tank to impregnate you and throwing up fake gang signs at work.
[RC] 12/1/11

This album is actually kind of fun. – Freshness McMurderman
[RC] Chris 12/1/11

It’s like in The Abyss when they have to breathe with the liquid oxygen and at first they fight it because it feels like they’re drowning so they try to hold their breath but after a couple minutes they just accept it and it works and they’re fine with breathing liquid into their lungs and they can go swimming all around and find a bunch of depressed aliens. That’s what it’s like.
[RC] Josh 12/1/11

A lot of people view these painful situations as being analogous to ripping off a band-aid. No, in this case I would rather be covered in a full body suit of adhesive tape and then have each strip be SLOWLY removed, leaving me looking like the kid that Andrew Clark made bleed that earned him his detention.
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

It makes me wonder what kind of lyrical genius they could have dropped on us if the KFC Double-down had been around before this song.
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

Who doesn’t like a good dose of necrophilia before 10 am?
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

The term “nuts” as been thrown around so much I can’t help but think that at some point, the word “squirrel” should have also been used, even if as a euphemism for lady parts, but I don’t think these guys do euphemism… or subtle. Also, “as soon as I nut I’m gone” might become my official signature on work emails.
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

Seth: http://www.fakebands.com/fakeband_o.html
Paul: This website is a black hole for my work day
Seth: Dear Paul, You’re welcome, Love, The Internet
Marissa: If only it was narrated by piano-playing kittens
Seth: Soundtrack by Rick Astley and Tay Zonday.
[RC] 12/1/11

Marissa: Hopefully Grace Slick woke up just a little crazier today.
Seth: That seems like a safe bet.
[RC] 12/1/11

Mike: Josh is old and Rainman now apparently.
Marissa: No, I think it’s just a side effect of the Lipitor
Ali: It’s not that he’d old, he’s just tired of people chilling on his lawn. His front porch isn’t a Gathering of the Juggalos.
[RC] 12/1/11

Ali: I want to know everyone’s Seth-given Juggname
Seth: Mankillah Fo’Sizzle, Crusty McFartbite, Maltlikker Angelstab, Gatly McMurder, Dragonrape Killuminati, Caffiend SlaughtahFuk and Commodore Hategroin bin Sliceliver bin Jawadiddler, OBE
Mike: Dragonrape is the best. I mean the name, not the act. The act is difficult. I hear…
Ali: I was Caffiend SlaughtahFuk. Very accurate. I drink a lot of coffee and have to constantly tell myself not to stab others.
[RC] 12/1/11

Lastly, I’d like to blame Ronald Reagan, Milton Friedman and the entire Republican establishment.
[RC] Paul 12/1/11

But in all, this shit is just straight bad. Like worse than Beyonce in Goldmember bad. Worse than Criss Angel bad. Worse than Gallagher bad. Like the complete opposite of Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
[RC] Paul 12/1/11

I wonder if White Chocolate gets “Why do you have ‘ebay’ tattoed on your fingers?” a lot.
[RC] Josh 12/1/11

Like the marriage, the first act was tolerable but the second was like chewing tinfoil while rolling naked in thumbtacks.
[RC] Seth 12/5/11

If there is a hell that is catered specifically for the person going to it, I think mine will be a room of unprepped anal intrusion, dragonflies, and ICP on repeat.
[RC] Ali 12/5/11

Seth: I am only 3 behind this season! Personal best! #IAmAwesome!
Josh: You can’t avoid the Du forever. The Du is gonna getcha.
Seth: The Du-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ ta fuck with?
[RC] 12/8/11
“I’m not trying to actively seagull this dude (poop on his head). I’m just confused as to where the self-esteem origin stories came from. I would like to tap into that.”
“His origin story? He was bitten by a radioactive narcissist.”
Ali and Seth12/8/11

To be honest I dig blues more, but jazz is a nice addition to the RC catalog. (Especially when Paul decides to add ICP. It’s like he’s intentionally hate fucking my soul.)
[RC] Ali 12/9/11

I think I should start live tweeting the New Testament.
Seth 12/9/11

Mom: “Prada, Henri Bendel…”
Ali: “Armani, Gucci, DeBeers.”
Dad: “The Coca-Cola Company… Why you laughing?”
12/11/11

Yes! I wanna have sex…. With Santa!
Random Guy on W50th in NYC 12/12/11

He’s too tan for NY!
Ali 12/13/11

He looks like he’s in a boyband.
Ali 12/13/11

“Yeah right. A mafia boss wouldn’t be driving a Ford.”
Dad 12/13/11

I want Danny Elfman to write the soundtrack of my life!
Ali 12/13/11

“I still have clothes in my trunk.”
“Me too. They’re attached to a hobo I murdered before we left for vacation.”
Mom and Ali 12/13/11

I don’t mind darkness. It makes the light so much more impressive.
Ali 12/16/11

Quotations are for the lazy. Say what you think. It means more to the listener.
Ali 12/16/11

If you put Christmas lights on your car, you deserve to be fisted by Santa.
Ali 12/16/11

That is where I’m a Viking. I’m also a Viking when I’m raping townsfolk and pillaging lands. I’d keep you. Time onboard is boring. I’d also share limes with you. I care about you enough to not let you get scurvy.
Ali 12/16/11

It’s Lord Know It All vs Mr. Earnest Believer in a who-cares battle for nothing.
Seth 12/16/11

Five for fifing!
Jackie 12/17/11

I missed the powerplay due to a bunch of cuteness.
Seth 12/17/11

“Was that the end?”
“No, there’s a movie now.”
Mom and Ali 12/18/11

Congrats, you won the lotto and have sickle cell!
Steve 12/21/11

This track should be interesting and funny, and unique BUT we get a vocal delivery of a guy on methadone, and music that probably belongs on Zamfir pan flute album.
[RC] Mike 12/22/11

That’s the nicest god damn Christmas card I’ve ever seen (no offence to the folks on this email that sent one my way. I love you guys but you know it too). I had to look twice because I originally thought it was an oil painting or something that’s how nice it is. Its like art. That little dog. All them presents. Leather books. I bet that room smells great.
Jarrod 12/22/11

Paul: Totally off topic, but how unfunny and generally awful is Larry the Cable Guy? Holy crap that guy sucks.
Josh: He makes more money than you do. -Worthington’s Law
Ali: “Imma fuck this blue chick.” – Sam Worthington’s Law
[RC] 12/23/11

You can’t buy clothes with foodstamps!
Ali 11/2/11

So obscure, they’re incorrect.
Jamie 11/2/11

I wanna punch you. Come run into my fist.
Ashley 11/2/11

“Take a step back and watch. Who created He-Man?”
“… Bears?”
“No. Hitler. He’s blond, built, and is wearing an iron cross.”
Bro and Ali 11/4/11

You are the Forrest GP of non-sexing sexy situations.
Sharon 11/4/11

“I’ll bet you the whole farm.”
“Do you have a farm?”
“No, but I’ll create a farmville account and give it to you if you’re right.”
Bro and Ali 11/4/11

I’m at least 40% Waits.
Marissa 11/5/11

Peanut butter Nazis is just a good idea.
Logan 11/6/11

Me: Want me to change your opinion of the guy that plays Eric in True Blood?
Steve: I don’t care. Bring it.
Me: He was one of the models in the gasoline fight in Zoolander.
Steve: That… is the best thing I’ve heard all day. I think I like him even more.
11/10/11

That’s like saying the album is for Easter Bunnies only.
[RC] Seth 11/15/11

I’m treating this album like a used band-aid
[RC] Marissa 11/15/11

It sounds like someone told a 3-year old to impersonate the grandparent that they don’t like.
[RC] Marissa 11/15/11

Josh: I can’t look yet. I’m just starting to listen and I don’t wanna me the album in any way.
Seth: I didn’t want me the album either, but you takes your chances on the Record Club wheel.
[RC] 11/16/11

The whole endeavor feels like a Hot Topic full of alt-teens trying too hard to be unique.
[RC] Seth 11/16/11

I don’t want my dinner to be as muddled as Inception.
Ali 11/17/11

K/J-pop has a following here in the US, mostly from Niponphillic otaku who will uncritically consume all things Japanese like a fistful of Pocky.
[RC] Seth 11/22/11

Seth: Of course. I’ve been awake less than two hours and I’ve had a full day’s worth of crushing misfortune, so why not Korean pop?
Mike: Just think back to your long forgotten salad days of being a teenage Korean girl, hanging out at the mall. It’ll bring you a warm nostalgia to brighten your day.
Chris: Back when i used to sell my used panties to vending machine distributors?
Ali: That’s how I made some extra money when i was saving up for the battle academy. Not everyone gets a scholarship.
[RC] 11/22/11

Tops: 화성인 바이러스 I loved the original version done by Sy Snoodles & the Max Rebo Band. This one is a little more artificial.
[RC] Seth 11/22/11

A wombat is like a sideways koala.
Greg 11/26/11

There is so much techno going on in the bathroom upstairs.
Ali 11/27/11

Don’t worry, “How do we justify this to Seth Squires?”, is a permanent fixture on the standard greenlighting checklist forms they sell at Hollywood Staples stores.
[RC] Paul 11/28/11

Josh: Oh I forgot about that. Truly brilliant.
Seth: Did you fuggeddaboudit?
Josh: This fcking guy…
Seth: Hey Manooch! Go get yer fckin shinebox.
Josh: Hey you only exist out here because of me!
Seth: Vincenzo, come to the duck fights!
[RC] 11/28/11

“Hater” implies jealous disapproval of another because of his or her successes. One cannot be a hater if the subject of one’s hate is inherently hate-able by nature.
[RC] Seth 11/29/11

Josh: I don’t know, tongue in cheek only goes so far.
Ali: That’s because there’s a cheek in the way. Embrace your inner Japanese schoolgirl and just stick out your tongue.
Marissa: And sport a peace sign in every picture
[RC] 11/29/11

Marissa: I’m just not as classy as the rest of you guys. I pretty much fall for any kind of music
Ali: Sure… They’re classy… If “classy” can be defined as “those broke a-holes that mulled around the Tower Records in front of the registers when all I wanted to do was get my damn Salt N Pepa CD”.
[RC] 11/29/11

If you’re looking for honesty, the entertainment business isn’t somewhere to start
[RC] Marissa 11/29/11

Marissa: Yes, Paul, grandma and grandpas are still by and large honest, and so are the people who work for charities, again, by and large.
Ali: Um… If that’s the case, my grandmother f***ed JFK.
Marissa: I have a feeling this is a statement a lot of grandmas can make, and probably still be honest about
Paul: Not to blow up your happy place, but Dick Cheney is a grandpa. Think about that.
Ali: To be fair… His friend’s face really did look duck-like.
Marissa: To be fair, those ducks who escaped taxidermy really enjoyed the laugh
[RC] 11/29/11

Paul: The war on Christmas has come to [work address], I see. I’m calling O’reilly
Ali: You can pick a Chanukkah CD if it makes you feel better. Perhaps I should have suggested a nice Snowflake Day mix.
Paul: I’m appalled at your inclusiveness. It’s reeks of Kenyanness
Ali: JOLLY SNOWFLAKE DAY, PAUL!
Paul: http://mediamatters.org/blog/201111280002
Ali: Your ability to pull up relevant news doesn’t faze me. I’m still going to sing “Hark the Herald” whilst pelting you with Christmas tree shaped sugar cookies.
Josh: Can you pelt me with Christmas tree Little Debbie cakes?
Ali: Yes, but I’m going to have a large German woman with sweat in her mustache sing “O Tannenbaum” while I’m doing it. This is a “Would you rather” scenario.
[RC] 11/29/11

“Don’t get drunk and get into a car with a total stranger unless he’s an English gentleman and the type that doesn’t perform rapes.”
“Perform rapes?!?! There is rarely an encore with that performance.”
Toby and Ali 9/1/11

“I just bought a black pepper grinder shaped like a baseball bat.”
“Nothing brings dinner together like spice and the threat of violence.”
Guy and Ali 9/2/11

You can’t cheer for a rock, but I sure as shit tried.
Ali 9/2/11

Its like purple rain, but white and mucus-ey
Bro 9/3/11

A British accent is American panty currency.
Ali 9/3/11

Children are unemployed midgets.
JonF 9/3/11

“Dance? This ain’t an eighties movie so shut the fuck up.”
Chris Moss 9/3/11

We put the “sensual” in “nonconsensual”.
Cameron 9/3/11

It’s not that normal splooge tastes bad, but it’s not like I want to put it on my tacos.
Jeri 9/4/11

You want a girl without meth face.
Jeri 9/4/11

Marissa is reviewing movies with her junk again.
Vicki 9/4/11

Minivan of a cock.
Sarah 9/5/11

Smells like an athlete. Smells like a prison.
Andrew 9/5/11

“You look like a gay Johnny Cash.”
Andrew 9/5/11

Fury is no time to start forgetting commas.
Rick 9/6/11

“It’s rockabilly, but with a French accent.”
“Frogabilly.”
Ali and Seth 9/7/11

“RAH, BITCHES! I’m a gorilla!”
Ali 9/8/11

It’s been midnight for the last two hours.
Joy 9/10/11

I don’t believe I’ve whispered sweet nothings into your butthole.
Ali 9/14/11

“You are a very polite drunk.”
“I’m a happy-go-lucky drunk.”
Seth and Ali 9/15/11

I hope you like electric organs and skinny ties.
Seth 9/16/11

I’m old enough to be your Uncle Jesse.
Vicki 9/16/11

There is a difference between being a fun loving lunatic and just a plain WHORE!
Drea 9/17/11

Look! I’m in Superman’s taint!
Seth 9/17/11

Ack! I’m throwing knifes. You come over for dinner and I stab you.
Ashley 9/18/11

Everything I know about Asians I learned from Temple of Doom.
Zach 9/19/11

Kylie Minogue is Australia’s Dorian Grey.
Seth 9/19/11

Water is soup! Just really, really boring soup.
Nick 9/20/11

If Jesus smelled like pumpkin, I’d go to church.
Seth 9/23/11

“You didn’t warn me about not crashing.”
“Why does she need to warn you NOT to crash?!?!?”
Jackie and Ali 9/23/11

“Older people can be sexy.”
“Nooooooooooo.”
Ali and Joy 9/23/11

“I live five minutes from the beach.”
“That leads to nowhere.”
“It leads to EUROPE!”
Jackie and Joy 9/23/11

This is why you should never give a tiny dog a license.
Ali 9/23/11

“Why is she so tired?”
“Because her body is creating a human?”
Joy and Jackie 9/23/11

“He looks nerdy… In a ‘Family Ties’ sort of way.”
Joy 9/23/11 (about Matt Smith)

Why is it that during every scary moment in television there is a hair dryer going? Or loud music? Why can’t someone be massacred during a wine tasting?
Ali 9/23/11

My cerebral cortex is a whore!
Ali 9/23/11

There is no “I” in team, but there are two I’s in insomnia AND THEY ARE ALWAYS OPEN!
Ali 9/23/11

A smug smile when you step in front of my car is stupid because I have an accelerator and a second set of license plates.
Ali 9/27/11

This commercial makes me so angry. I literally pray that I will meet the actress so I can bloody up her white blouse.
Jamie 9/30/11

Some teen: “Hey. I can give myself a blowjob.”
Me: “Why? That’s why they make other people.”
7/9/11

“I know that if someone is choking you’re supposed to shove a BIC pen into their throat.”
Dr. Mom 7/9/11

“Ya look good. Have you been eating vegetables?”
Pat 7/9/11

“Did you have any vegetables?”
“I had bacon.”
Steve and Jess 7/15/11

“I’m so mad at my finger. I wanna cut it right off.”
Jess 7/16/11

“You cannot deny a power ballad.”
Ali 7/16/11

A corset is medieval spanx.
Ali 7/23/11

That makes me want to punch every British baby in the face.
Ali 7/23/11

I think that would save you a couple of steps in your parties.
Jackie 7/23/11

She’s a little bit cunty… And a little bit Rock n Roll.
Jackie 7/23/11

I feel like I’m in a really intense Mercedes Benz commercial.
Marissa 7/23/11

You can’t febreze away the stench of job disappointment.
Ali 7/25/11

Boy on boy is the new girl on girl.
Vicki 7/30/11

Sorry I was so late in posting these.

I can grow shit. I grow it in my bowels every day!
Steve 6/1/11

Before you shove a strap on in, might wanna try something small, like a finger… Or a balloon of heroin. What I’m saying is, how would you like to take a trip with me to Mexico?
Ali 6/4/11

How many Oompa Loompas do I have to fuck to get a good chocolatier near my house?
Ali 6/7/11

She’s killed more children than John Wayne Gacy.
Seth 6/10/11

I love ass breeze.
Vicki 6/10/11

I don’t touch my business for nothing.
Tina 6/10/11

My shirt is complicated.
Jeri 6/10/11

“You wouldn’t want to be sexy with that guy.”
“I know, right? ‘Sorry I cooked your brain! I cum moonbeams!’”
Jamie and Ali 6/12/11

He brought a knife to a gun party.
Ali 6/12/11

“Joseph Gordon Levitt was a creepy kid.”
“Yeah but he’s hot now… So I wonder how the Children of the Corn are doing…”
Jamie and Ali 6/12/11

I laughed so hard I farted!
Ali 6/12/11

I wanna have British babies.
Marissa 6/13/11

You might not have noticed this, but I have moderation issues.
Jeri 6/13/11

Seth: You have a +5 to D-baggery Detection.
Ali: My spidey sense was all kinds of tingly.
Seth: That was just the new shower gel.
Ali: You joke, but I totally use peppermint/eucalyptus shower gel.
Seth: That sounds more recreational than hygienic.
Ali: I like to feel like my body is made of glitter!
Seth: JOKE.
Ali: You’re just not even trying anymore.
6/16/11

“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk. But I wouldn’t get behind my car wheel right now…”
Ali and Mary 6/18/11

In Portland, everything is ish.
Mary 6/18/11

If I make you gag once a day I’m doing something right.
Mary 6/18/11

If you make love to a book and leave stains they make you buy it.
Mary 6/18/11

Sure, he can pour beer on my ass, but he can’t stick a finger in it.
Ali 6/20/11

“Word to your motherboard.”
“Don’t you be talkin’ ’bout my motherboard!”
Ali and Mary 6/20/11

“So how so I get a weed card?”
“If you have a medical issue.”
“I have panic attacks when I have bad weed.”
Ali and Deb 6/20/11

Really, if you’re a cop in disguise you’re not gonna show me your titties.
Mary 6/20/11

“I do have a penis I just keep it on the back of the door and sometimes refer to it as ‘soap’.”
Mary 6/20/11

“We’re the foodcart capital of the world.”
“I don’t think you can just proclaim that Portland is the everything capital.”
Mary and Ali 6/21/11

“Aren’t Sasquatches just Wookies who changed their names at Ellis Island?”
Seth 6/23/11

“Have they met dicks? No? Then they can hang out with us.”
Ali 6/23/11

It’s like being punched in the face with ovum.
Nichole 6/23/11

She is raging on your machine.
David 6/24/11

I remember his cats name, but not his. How messed up is that?
Vicki 5/2/11

On your deathbed, you won’t think about your checkbook. You’ll think about the good times you had (or you may think “Fuck, I’m being eaten by a shark. Hawaii blows”).
Ali 5/2/11

“So, if you were in a romantic comedy, would you be in the Renee Zellwigger role or the Joan Cusack role?”
“The romantic in me would probably be Zellweger. The realist in me knows that I would be Cusack.”
“What are the other archetypal roles in the romcom? Is the male version Bradley Cooper/Stanley Tucci?”
“I think it depends on which type of romcom you’re thinking. If you’re thinking relatively current it’d be the Ashton Kutcher/Rob Corddry roles. If you’re looking back to the eighties, it’d be a Judd Nelson/Anthony Michael Hall.”
“Well, crap. Am I Corddry?”
“Would you want to be Ashton?”
“I liked the brief time I was Eric Stoltz.”
“Did Eric Stoltz like the brief time he was Eric Stoltz?”
“He got to make out with Mary Stuart Masterson & Lea Thompson…”
“That really was Some Kind of Wonderful!”
“True, which is fortunate because I don’t look Pretty in Pink.”
“I hope you don’t feel you’d be Better Off Dead.”
“How could I enjoy a nice Breakfast Club at the Diner?”
“I don’t think you’d have to Say Anything.”
“That’s a Sure Thing.”
Seth and Ali 5/6/11

“I am bored and ready to weekend. That’s right. I verbed “weekend”.”
“Verbed Weekend is my Loverboy coverband.”
Seth and Ali 5/6/11

“You’ve seen a lot of naked on the Internet!”
“One of them was a horse!”
“Have you ever seen a dressed up horse?”
Ali, Steve and Jamie 5/6/11

We don’t skin our friends! I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Bro 5/6/11

“What’s the opposite of a good Samaritan?”
“A mass murderer?”
Bro and Pat 5/6/11

“He is a dude and he’s a man, therefore… He-Man. I just put that together.”
“What about She-Ra?”
“Bitch be a cheerleader.”
Pat, Ali and Bro 5/6/11

“You don’t even know. I’ve had sex with you three times.”
“You could have woken me up!”
Pat and Ali 5/6/11

“Crevasses are fun, as I have learned.”
“Except for that horrible knockoff drink: crevasse-ier.”
Pat and Bro 5/6/11

“This horse can’t turn left”
“Duh.. His name is Zoolander.”
Bro and Ali 5/6/11

I wanna play some pool but I also want to feel like I’m at the Parthenon.
Tina 5/7/11

The inevitable problem with penis.
Marissa 5/9/11

There is no ointment for crazy.
Marissa 5/9/11

Is he just the cripple’s caravan?
Ali 5/9/11

You can join me on the panel. We just need Steven Tyler.
Marissa 5/13/11

Aren’t you exhausted? I DRUGGED you!
Jeri 5/13/11

First world of darkness problems.
Marissa 5/13/11

Jesus and the Joseph colored dreamcoat.
Seth 5/13/11

What? You never got the fuck stutter?
Jeri 5/13/11

Sometimes if you’re in a bodega in New Haven…
Vicki 5/16/11

You haven’t seen ‘Bat Shit Monthly’, have you?
Seth 5/16/11

The loneliest whore in Winterfell.
Ali 5/16/11

Blowjob your way to domination.
Ali 5/16/11

Game of Thrones makes you monkey?
Ali 5/16/11

“Creepy/Sweet is the new Salty/Sweet.”
“Creepy/Sweet is my Jon Waters biopic.”
“Jokes like that are some of the reasons I want to keep you in a closet at my house.”
“I don’t think I’m that clever.”
“You don’t think you’re clever enough for a closet? Most likely you’re too clever for the closet.”
Seth 5/20/11

“It says something of how fucked up I am that my mind went on and now I’m picturing jarred vaginas in a freak exhibit at a circus. Now I want pickles. Fuck my face I’m morbid.”
Ali 5/20/11

“Apparently she wants me for her birthday.”
“Well it is cheap…”
Ali and Jackie 5/22/11

“The TARDIS is a lot like a vagina. It’s bigger on the inside.”
“Mine actually makes that noise.”
Jackie and Ali 5/22/11

“Just did a Dr. Who marathon.”
“Fuck yeah. But not long enough of a marathon to not be annoyed by abbreviating doctor, I see.”
“I’m a virgin with this series, hun. I just got rammed hard and fast with the first 8 Tennant episodes.”
Ali and Chris 5/22/11

“I just had to explain to a woman that “44″ is not a numerical value of a month. The fact that this woman is allowed to administer medicine is terrifying.”
Ali 5/23/11

It’s not like Westeros Expedia gives a refund.
Marissa 5/23/11

Syrio’s Corner.
Marissa 5/23/11

Ned… I dunno… Jumps the Wolf?
Jeri 5/23/11

I named him Quentin Tarantino’s Hodor.
Marissa 5/23/11

Bling got flung!
Ali 5/23/11

I wish I had my chest hair still.
Marissa 5/23/11

“The Ood look like vaginas with tentacles dangling limply out of it.”
“So, vaginas. Wait, tentacles are odd for vaginas?”
“You gotta stop watching hentai.”
Ali and Chris 5/25/11

“Oh man… All ready a catastrophe. Ashley just called me after digging the kitties out from behind the fridge.”
“They won’t die behind the fridge. Kittens hide, then come out.”
“They are super teeny. SUPER DUPER TEENY!”
“Then Ashley should put them in her shirt pockets.”
“OMG I MIGHT DO THAT.”
“It’d be an adorabomb!”
“I wish I had a cowboy costume. I’d hold them like pistols and do a photo shoot.”
“They could be hanging out of holsters!”
Ali and Seth 5/26/11

Papa Stefanopoulos!
Steve 5/27/11

It doesn’t matter. British people yelling is always funny.
Steve 5/27/11

I think the game is called ‘I’m not done being angry’.
Ali 5/27/11

Hammered in the name of birthday science and covered in kitten farts.
Ali 5/27/11

Happy making in my mouth hole.
Jeri 5/30/11

Ken was the gayest doll in the toybox.
Jeri 5/30/11

“You know who the father was?”
“G.I. Joe. It was fleet week and Barbie had just finished a rough shift and needed a release. Being a doctor is tough.”
Seth and Ali 5/30/11

Are you saying girls can’t play Quidditch?
Jeri 5/30/11

“I’m a hardcore capitalist. My body operates in the free market and i will monetize anything if there’s a potential buyer.”
“Haha! Time to work on sexual prowess!”
“I don’t appreciate repeat business cause I’m a horrible businessman.”
“I just consider that as people pleasing. If you keep pleasing the same person, you’re lowering your output ratio.”
“That line of thinking is selfserving enough for me to adopt it.”
Chris and Ali 5/30/11

“Basketball boobies + duckface = quacksketball. Do guys really want that?”
“I’d fuck it out of irony. But my cock is a hipster.”
Ali and Chris 5/31/11