Category: ‘Conversations’

Work Emails: Taxidermy & Self Oppression

January 26, 2012 Posted by CranialSpasm

Marissa: Oh and I was hanging out at pharmacies before listening to this album, and also have contemplated collecting taxidermy, but I was thinking more of starting with this piece, not owls….because owls always look like they’re watching me. I like my dead animals stuffed to look alive to look as dormant as possible:

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Marissa: Actually, I think I’ve really found the one that I want. This would make the mantle on any fireplace better…I also want to make them tiny Native American headdresses and garb because I like to be as offensive as possible to new guests.

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Marissa: In my mind, the inspiration for this piece came from the owners’ constant viewing of Pochahontas.

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Seth: And the first was from Aladdin?
BTW, be sure your Google is set for strict safe search before you look for Disney tigers. It’s a sick world out there.

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Seth: As the Native American in the RC, let me thank you for the blankets.

Ali: Seth, HALF of you is Native American. The other half of you OPPRESSED Native Americans.
… Your body must constantly be at war with itself.

Seth: My oppressor half managed to oppress the Possamaquoddy and Irish fractions equally.

Marissa: But the good news is that his immune system is only HALF as susceptible to the pox

Seth: But between that and the potato blight…

Repost: Why People Don’t Ask Me What I Want

January 7, 2012 Posted by CranialSpasm

I had to repost this, because it made me laugh really hard.

 

Andrea : What is your fave candy?
Ali: Why?
Ali: I need to know why cause I don’t wannt make the wrong decision!!!!!
Andrea : Don’t ask ques! Lol
Andrea : Omfg
Andrea : If someone were to buy u some candy what would u want?
Ali: Cadbury mini eggs
Andrea : Of course
Ali: Hah! Now you don’t know WHAT to do
Andrea : Whore!
Andrea : Lol
Andrea : Fine no candy 4 u!
Ali: Nooooo
Andrea : What kind do u like that is available ALL YEAR?
Ali: Peanutbutter m&ms, skittles, milkyway dark, turtles (I love pecans) um… Canada mints…
Andrea : Ok that’s good enough
Andrea : Thank u!
Ali: Lol!
Ali: Banana laffy taffy!
Ali: Runts!
Ali: Chocolate covered peanuts!
Ali: Gummy worms!
Ali: You can’t stop a candy rant!
Ali: Nerds!
Andrea : Oh boy! Lol
Ali: Milk chocolate bunnies that are built like supermodels (hollow inside)
Andrea : Roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ali: Oh and those take five thingums with the peanut butter and caramel and motha fucking pretzel that just makes me want to kiss the crap out of anyone!
Ali: Bees.
Ali: No wait!
Ali: Not bees!
Ali: If you promise me candy and hand me a box full of bees we’re going to have words
Ali: They’re mostly going to be “ahhhh bees”
Andrea : What have I done?
Andrea : Lololol
Ali: YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!
Andrea : Lol
Andrea : But I had a good reason!
Ali: Yes. Let’s not discuss that reason or I might start listing things again.
10/27/10

 

Australia Must Be A Magical Place

November 20, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

I think that one of my next vacation destinations will be Australia. Mainly because an Aussie facebook buddy has made a promise.

Alison ALEX IF I EVER GO TO AUSTRALIA, PLEASE LET ME HOLD A FUCKING KOALA!
Alex You’re so lucky, because it is absolutely my decision to make, so yes. You may hold a koala.
Alex I have one right here ..
Alex QUZiT TRYING TO FUCK THE KOOKABURRA!
Alex Horny little bastard
Alex Or quit*
Dana  Koala Queen??
Alison QUZiT would be the name of my Koala.
Alison He would be my best friend and we would solve crime together.
Alison Cause… You know Australia… Criminals.
Alex Fucking rife
Alison I just think it would be a buddy cop/stoner feature film. QUIZiT would eat some leaves and fall asleep while in pursuit on his tiny moped.
Alex LET’S DO THIS
Alison I want this to happen so hard!
September 27, 2011

Oh Anger. Sometimes You Make Me Say Funny Things.

November 16, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

Ali: Oh good lord today has already started out terribly. This woman that  never got hired with us is starting crap again.

Seth: I don’t recall that story.

Ali: Woman worked as temp.
Wanted to be hired fulltime.
Someone else was hired.
She got a job with an office that uses us.
Once a month she makes my life a living hell.
She’s like a period that I can stab.

Seth: You need to turn that into either a pair of haikus or the first verse of a delta blues song.
11/16/11

Email Insanity: Archived Convos with Seth and Marissa

November 2, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

Seth: Where my cats at?
Ali: They were in your house when I left on Monday.
Marissa: Yeah, I didn’t take them!
Seth: Well, that is a relief. Thank you for your help, ladies.
Ali: Can I take a nap yet?
Marissa: Soon, just a couple of more hours I hear
Ali: YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO GO DEAF? … well that’s convenient.
Marissa: Also convenient, I just figured out why they changed from keeping the croissant in saran wrap to keeping it in the clunkier plastic sandwich holder. I think it keeps them fresher
Seth: I thought it was to save the sea turtles.
Marissa: I feel like a sea turtle couldn’t survive for very long in one of those little containers.
Seth: Well, yeah, not at room temp. They’ll keep for almost a week in the fridge and over 4 months in the freezer.
10/19/11

Ali: Marissa, you are not rain man.
Marissa: You’ve never been to Vegas with me….
Ali: CAN WE DO THAT?!?!?! Think of the stalwart adventures we would have! You be Otis. I’ll be Milo… you know… without all of those deaths.
10/18/11

Inappropriate Emails: Teabagging Boston.

August 23, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

Ali: Today’s Random Thought – I believe that our debt crisis would have never existed had we just embraced the custom of drinking tea. Way to suck, Boston.
Marissa: I’m not surprised at Boston sucking. I’m sure that rebellion seemed all well and good at the time, but seeing as I’m one who probably would have sided with the Mother Country, it does all seem slightly childish now. Although, the Queen has her own debt issues. Only two things are certain: I would LOVE to have scones & tea in the afternoon and our money would have been prettier.
Ali: and? … British babies.
Marissa: I can’t believe I overlooked this aspect. The importance of this should never be overlooked.
Ali: If it makes you feel any better, I think my brain has exploded due to the ad I just saw for D&G “light blue” cologne. Please tell me you’ve seen it.
Marissa: Are they on a boat in the Mediterranean or is that all of the ads?
Ali: The man? Yes, yes he is. And he is wearing a white… teabag I guess is the only appropriate description. It makes me regret my earlier random thought.
8/4/11

Dinner at my Parents: Canada

February 23, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

This was a conversation that I found that I had written down awhile ago and I thought it was funny so I figured I’d make a little comic strip. I don’t have any artistic talent, but I was bored and have MSPaint.

I Am A Microsoft Word Whisperer.

February 22, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

Her: I can’t type on this document. It’s locked me out and has a grey box over it.
Me: Left-click the ok button.
Her: Well now it works. What was the problem?
Me: You needed to left-click the ok button.

… I should have a tip jar on my desk.

The Sad Emoticon on BBM is so Pitiful.

January 1, 2011 Posted by CranialSpasm

Mandy302: Yeah but I promise you will get a Reese’s cupcake one day
Ali: It must happen!
Mandy302: It will and no dance battles necessary though they would be thoroughly entertaining
Ali: True
Mandy302: Esp some old school stuff like the Cabbage patch and running man
Ali: I can’t do the running man.
Ali: :’(
Mandy302: Fake it, I do
Ali: Haha! How many times have you faked the Running Man?
Mandy302: Way too many
Ali: Everyday I love you more and more
Mandy302: Awwwww feeling is mutual
10/27/10

I Heart Crash

December 31, 2010 Posted by CranialSpasm

Ali: I’m five seconds from crying.
Crash: Nooooo *does a little dance for you*
Crash: *dances li’l stuffed animals in front of you*
Crash: Think of petting the teacup pegasi and puttin barrettes in their manes.
Ali: This woman is absolutely wretched.
Ali: She told me I’m the reason that this woman is having kidney failure
Crash: But it’s not like you gave it to her.
Ali: Yeah it’s not my superpower.
Ali: I don’t make kidneys fail. Lithium does
Crash: I could make her shart. Would that help? I’ll wait till she’s home.
Ali: No. Make her shart at work
Crash: Ok!
Ali: Thank you!
Crash: When you start hiccuping, you’ll know that somewhere…she is sharting.
Ali: It’s like a bell.
Crash: But nothing like giving an angel their wings.
Ali: True
Crash: Well, in an extremely smelly , messy, and twisted way it could be.
Ali: Shitwings!
Crash: Man, what an image. I wish I could beam you the image in my brain right now.
Ali: Please dont
Ali: It’s times like this that I’m glad that’s not possible
Crash: *thinks hard* I can with a couple friends.
Ali: I haven’t gotten there yet. Good.
Crash: Just you wait. It’ll happen. Muahahahahahahaha <—-evil laugh
10/21/10