Seth and I Email About Game of Thrones

Seth: Balon thinks he’s soooo cool for a guy who’s 2 letters away from Balloon.
Ali: add an accent and he is a French balloon.
Seth: Stop making better jokes than me.
Ali: No. I’m not going to cripple my one liners because you are feeling inadequate. Put on your big boy pants!
Seth: “They won’t let me work without pants anymore.”
Ali: That’s why you’ll never work in daycare again. That and the constant napping.

Food and Fergie – The Record Club is insane.

Seth: Facts Marissa may not know: The béchamel is the easiest of the classic French mother sauces to make.
Marissa: Oh, facts I may not know is, I’m sure, a multi-volume encyclopedia. I also think it’s hilarious that you’d think I’d make French sauces in every day life. The only way I’m making those is if I take up cooking classes in the actual country. Maybe Julia Child had it right….
Seth: I am calling bullsheet on that. In fact, I am teaching you a béchamel next time you are at the house.
Ali: Isn’t he married to Fergie?
Marissa: Yeah he’s the one who dubbed her “Lady Lumps” and then cheated on her with a stripper. And fought robots…some of whom looked like Katherine Heigl
Seth: If you make an or Will.I.Ham joke you’re getting a spanking.
Josh: Don’t forget the Tabooli.

Today has been an unwelcome rollercoaster ride.

I know that everyone carries this stigma of the 13th Friday of any month. It’s never been more than a lucky day for me.

Work today was extremely difficult and I felt anxious and overwhelmed, but I soldiered through because I’m not going to let anything I can control beat me. I CAN control a panic attack. I CAN relieve anxiety and depression. The past has taught me that things get shitty, and things get awesome.

So I got home and filled out my rental application for the apartment I want. I was excited and worried at the same time. I, like so many others, have a weird credit history (long story) and I was terrified that it would result in a dismissal of my request. I decided to be proactive and check my credit score. When I saw the number, I felt my eyes well up with tears of joy. I had jumped over a few really crappy hurdles and it was shown in three numbers. I was so excited about applying!

The rollercoaster had reached the peak FAR SOONER than I expected. The drop was also out of the blue.

A few of my friends are having a shitty time and their drop is longer and more perilous than mine. One posted to a private forum that they had a gun and shot themselves. After ten minutes with no reply/confirmation, I called the police station in the town that Facebook said they lived in. The dispatch rep was very calm and asked for any information I could give him. at one point, my voice broke because I realized that I had VERY LITTLE information to provide them. He was able to locate their address and promised to send over someone to make sure everything was okay. He took my name and number. I initially thought he was just making sure it was on the up and up.

He called me back fifteen minutes later to tell me that they were able to contact them and they were okay. That dude… he was amazing. I don’t think he needed to do a followup but he did and it helped IMMENSELY.

I was relieved, but also angry. This was posted in a private group where there really was NO GUARANTEE that anyone would have caught it in time.

I’m not going to tell you that life is worth living. Sometimes, I STILL have those moments where I want to end it all.

Occasionally I won’t even know it. I will be driving and then I will think “I wonder how long it would hurt if I drove into that telephone pole”. Then I remember that it happened to me once (accidentally) and it was no fucking fun. Everyone has dark impulses. It’s your inner shithead trying to poke you into a decision with long term consequences.

So say it with me now. FUCK YOU, inner shithead. You’re not going to fucking win. You might tell me to kill myself sometimes, but I don’t need to listen to you.

Have you ever watched a movie that was so compelling and then the power went out and you were disappointed? Think of your life like that. If you think a movie needs a soundtrack, sing some of your conversations randomly (I do this all the time).

Most importantly? I don’t want you to die. Think of the childr  … me. Think of the me.

Does anyone else ever think about past crushes?

When I was younger, I worked at a movie rental store with a guy and often times we had shifts that coincided.

It was because of him that I formed an appreciation for the movies Little Shop of Horrors, Nightmare Before Christmas, and My Blue Heaven. We would shuffle through our work and help the occasional customer while dueting with Audrey II, Seymour, and the Ronettes. We would each take on Lock, Shock or Barrel’s dialogue and shake our asses and overexaggerate our movements for Oogey Boogey. He led me through the store like Rick Moranis and Steve Martin did with those ladies (even though he was supposed to be lying low, what with being a snitch and all).

He was (is?) a special effects makeup artist and I found myself completely amazed at his artistic abilities. I watch Face/Off in the hopes that one day he’ll be on it. We had even talked about creating an incredibly terrifying Haunted House and had started laying out the details of making it happen when he had to move to Pennsylvania (or something).

In case you couldn’t tell, we lost touch… and I was kinda crazy about him. Not crazy like watch-him-through-the-windows crazy. Every year around his birthday (May 5th) I wonder what he’s up to and whether or not he’s on any of the social media sites. I remember he and I chatted very rarely on MySpace, but that in itself is an indication as to how long it’s been since we last spoke.

So much has changed in my life in such a short time. It would be great to catch up with him.

Do you have any stories of people you lost touch with? Have you ever tried looking them up? Alternately, have you ever been contacted by someone you hadn’t seen in years? Was it awkward?

QFP March: Leftovertures

Bro: “How does Wil Smith get so much work?”
Drew: “By being the whitest black guy.”

That’s what I picture the Titanic would be if they survived a few more hours.
ChrisS 3/3/12 [Oregon Trail]

It IS a big penis.
Ali 3/3/12

If I knew this was a witch hunt, I would have brought my grimoire.
Pat 3/3/12

She’s practically stapled her labia to him.
Thom 3/5/12

He was round bellied and stupid eyed.
Jeri 3/5/12

She had big Mariah Carey hands.
Thom 3/5/12

Curiously stronger than vaginas?
Bro 3/8/12

Ray: “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
Chad: “The heart is dumb”

It’s like really rough sex in a pool.
AshleyS 3/10/12

It’s the LL Cool J of cars.
Ali 3/16/12

I don’t know the difference between gladiators and jails.
Jeri 3/19/12

Josh: How old was the Christian Slater character in the book?
[RC] 3/21/12 (Book: The Name of the Rose)

Ali: You’re gonna be the dad that, on Christmas morning, points at your kids wrapped presents and says “pajamas and a hologame” while talking about how Santa isn’t real.
Seth: I told everyone in my preschool that Santa wasn’t real. I was 3½. My parents were called in for a discussion.
Ali: You’re a dick.
[RC] 3/21/12

Thanks a lot, I only have a verb named after me because I don’t like when people do that, but whatever it’s fine.
[RC] Seth 3/22/12

I’m going to start telling people I don’t simply have leftovers, I have Leftovertures because my meals are masterpieces (lie)
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Seth: All the pianos in Heaven are white.
Ali: I learned that from Happy Gilmore.
[RC] 3/22/12

Taupe…what a waste of a color. I guess I’d take the 70s Avocado. Although I wish they had what my mother referred to as “baby sh*t gold”, the other prominent color of the 70s
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Wait… did Moses lead the American Revolution? That guy looks like he’s about to take the troops across the Red Delaware.
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Ali: A woman just told me that she pays us so we’d damn well better come later in the day. I said “a lot of people pay us. that’s why we’re there so early.”
Seth: Greatest generation my butt.

Dude, nobody likes a skort.
Pat 3/23/12

*sung* Zombies, zombies everywhere… Zombies zombies in my hair… *spoken* They’re trying to get at my brains.
Steve 3/28/12

I’m not angry, I’m just drinking
Steve 3/30/12

Ali: It’s your turn, ass face.
Steve: I’m going… I don’t like that I answered to that.

Steve for President 2012: Count on evil.
Ali 3/30/12

Ash: I invoke the rule of sanctuary!
Steve: Point it out to me in the rules of Sorry.

You’re a cunt monger
Ash 3/30/12

If you’ve ever had a period, take the penalty.
Steve 3/30/12

I wish I had photoshop, because this gave me so many ideas.

Seth: We need matching superpowered jewelry.

Ali: Agreed!

Seth: FORM OF… a cynical fortysomething!

Ali: NO. I’m twenty friggin eight. I’m not skipping my thirties.

Seth: That was my power, to turn into what I am already. I may have paid too much for this superring.

Ali: How much did you pay?

Seth: 2 quarters. It was in a machine in front of Toys r Us

Ali: At least you didn’t go to Crazy Manny’s Quality Discount Mutation Emporium. That dude is cray-cray.

Seth: But that place got three thumbs up from Mutation Monthly…

Ali: You should never trust twelve fingered Larry. He’s a terrible reviewer and you know he takes kickbacks.

Seth: With all those feet, how can he avoid the kickbacks? And Larry has a lot of mouths to feed.

Ali: Yeah… I felt bad when I heard that his wife gave birth to a face full of mouths. Her triboobs must have been so sore!

Seth: Of all the triboob movies, Paul was so much better than Total Recall.

Ali: You ruined pretend time. No cookie for you.

Seth: Honestly, movie references were the worksafest path for me to steer the triboobs. You know what I am like.


If you want to buy me photoshop, you can send money to my account cranialspasm (AT) gmail (DOT) com

Nerdgasmatron! Tricorders, Ewoks and Prometheus. Oh my!

Mike: Coming Soon – The World Gets One Step Closer To a Working Tricorder

Seth: Nice try “tech geek”. Dilithium crystals are used in warp cores, not diagnostic equipment. *hits inhaler*

Josh: This has been out for years.

Mike: Here’s some nerdgasm for you…
List of fictional elements, materials, isotopes and atomic particles

Josh: I thought adamantium was an element for a good ten years.

Marissa: I won’t care about any of this until I can either have a real live Ewok butler whom I’ll name Rolf and who will only respond to everything with Yub Yub, or I can take light saber lessons and get certified, even if I have to wait 3 months for my purple light saber

Seth: Have you ever considered what Ewoks must smell like?

Mike: Or that they eat human flesh?

Seth: Which makes them even gassier.

Marissa: Can’t be worse than what a bird must smell like. I’ll just demand that Rolf bathe at least twice a week. I mean he’ll be an indoor ewok, so I really feel like the smell won’t be terrible.
Rolf won’t eat human flesh… or maybe I’ll make a deal a local hospital. You guys are really overthinking this.

Josh: You’re the one with a cadaver plan already worked out.

Seth: Have fun changing Ewok diapers full of used people.

Marissa: Everyone should have a cadaver planned worked out! If you don’t already, I don’t want you on my zombie survival team

Mike: A pet is a responsibility lady, it’s possible you’re underthinking it.

Marissa: Trust me, I understand the responsibility. That knowledge is the only reason I haven’t relieved a local shelter of some awesome animal yet. But by the time Ewoks are here, hopefully I’ll be in a more financially suitable position. I might even get two..they’re social creatures and I think we all know what happens when you separate one from another.
Ewoks are totally litterbox trainable…I’ll just have a Port-A-Box outside

Seth: Make sure your Ewok groomer clips around the tail.

Mike: Are you even zoned for ewoks? Do you know your town ordinances?

Seth: Come to think of it, if Ridley Scott replaced the xenomorphs with Ewoks I would definitely pay to see Prometheus in 3d.


*I love excuses

Revamping My Childhood? No Thanks, Mr. Bay

I know that it may appear that I am so far back in the news as to mention that Michael Bay is revamping Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but taking out the “mutant” aspect and making them aliens. Although I’m not happy with the concept of that happening, I wasn’t really excited about the previous anime-ization of the cartoon in the last movie. In fact, I didn’t actually see it.

Cartoons were a very important part of my childhood. Saturday morning cartoons, the after school block… Those kept me out of a lot of trouble. They also helped to fuel the imagination of the curious kid who needed to find various ways of escapism. My nose buried in a book or face pressed to a TV screen was a constant for me.

When I was young, I connected with the characters. I learned a lot of good behavior from them and a lot of bad behavior from them as well. They were then as podcasts are to me now. I know that I don’t know everyone personally, just as a part of me knew then that I wouldn’t ever get to party with Michaelangelo or out snark Raphael.

That connection to my childhood almost made me out to be a troll with this whole “Bay is turning them into alien turtles”. Well first off… If they’re aliens, why are they turtles? Turtles have been on the Earth for a very long time.

Recently I guested on Sketchy, a podcast from my buddies Ryan, Matt and Rich. We talked about Transformers the Movie (1986) and happened to discuss the Michael Bay adaptations as well. To be honest, I saw the first two but I don’t even remember them enough because I was furious that Bumblebee didn’t get to talk. Also, it felt like the Transformers and Deceptacons were dumbed down for the movies.

I was talking over email with a few friends about it and one of them mentioned how Bay seems to be hated, yet his movies make millions.

Explosions sell a lot of tickets, especially when they charge you for 3D.

Think about one of your favorite childhood cartoons. Maybe it was Rugrats, maybe it was Doug, maybe it was Jem. Let’s say it was Jem. Then Michael Bay gets his fingers on it.

Jerrica and all the girls at the orphanage are dressed like they’re ready for a vaginal closeup. The music is still crap because he wanted to spend the budget on the pyrotechnics of the music videos that are playing in the background (and never actually featured). The Misfits are all revamped into cyborgs that are being controlled by Tech Rat.

Even though I would love to see that movie, that’s not Jem. Pizazz was a spoiled bitch. THAT is why she was always so competitive and made stupid decisions.

I think that by changing the actual origin of the characters in TMNT and by dumbing down the characters in Transformers, that is why many of the fans are outraged. A lot of my happiest memories are of watching the 80’s movies and TV shows. To see the canon of the story being hollowed out is a lot like watching someone take a first printing of Pride and Prejudice and hollowing it out to put their flask in.

Hollywood will make something that they think is profitable, regardless of how far off canon it is. We see it weekly in the CW adaptations of The Secret Circle and The Vampire Diaries (originally young adult novels by L.J. Smith). Watching the Harry Potter movies can sometimes kick you right in the head because the House Elf storyline is missing.

Typically, the first thing that draws you in to a fandom is the thing that you clutch desperately to. In a way, that is your fandom stuffed animal. When it feels like someone is trying to pull it away from you, you lash out because you like it the way it is. I mean, yeah… The button eyes are a little loose and the fabric has been worn from years of hugging and you may have retired it to a shelf in your room… But the moment that someone tries to take it away from you, you will scream and scream until you fall asleep.

I don’t think I’ll be seeing the new TMNT, even though I love explosions. I like my turtles as they were – mutated and educated by a giant rat.

What bothers you? 10 Things that grate my cheese

1. People that talk on cellphones when they are being waited on (or rung out) –
Yesterday I stood for about ten minutes in a busy grocery store only looking to buy salad dressing and sliced turkey breast. Why? As a woman shouted in her phone at a cable company, her inept husband fumbled to scan in four items. FOUR. Then after all of that was done, he told her it was $53. She then put her hand over the receiver and said “Well I only have $42.” They had a conversation back and forth and as I looked at the other registers to my left and right I saw everyone traveling quickly through the line. Then her inept husband took a bill from the pile they had amassed, smoothed it out, and leaned forward to see what way the display showed him the bill had to go in (though below it says “face up”, it doesn’t say which way it needed to be slid in) and he fingered the edges to make sure that the corners were super straight before placing the bill down with one hand while using his other hand to force it in like it was a game of shuffleboard.

2. People that talk loudly on their cellphones –
One of my neighbors has taken to going outside and standing on the walkway directly in front of my window and shout into his phone. HE LIVES ALONE. So instead of muffling the sound by making the call upstairs in his condo, he decides to shout it at me. Most of the time I don’t really care about it, unless it’s 9am on a Saturday and I have just managed to pass out for a small block of time. I make it a habit not to start making noise until about 4pm as I know he works the night shift. Instead, I either leave for the day or I watch TV until I hear the creaking above. Then it’s ukulele happy fun time.

3. Networks spreading out their programming so they can bloat your DVR with crap you’ve already seen –
I know that every network is “struggling” (HA!) to sell ads for their shows because everyone has a DVR, Tivo, or digital cable nowadays (or no cable). But when they push back their programming by 1-2 weeks, guess who has two middle fingers and forgets to watch it? THIS GIRL. By the time I finally remember to watch a program that I lost touch with, the main character is pregnant and they are trapped on an Island and forced to play game shows against polar bears.

4. Vegetable farts –
Self explanatory. They’re super stinky and you can’t be stealth in public.

5. People that tell me how to do my job –
I’ve been here six years and have been observed by corporate to determine how I am so efficient. Tell me how to do my job and I will brain you with my telephone.

6. Sloppy Drunks –
Dude… I know. Everyone gets wasted every now and again. I guess that because (for the most part) I control my inebriation I get irritated when other people don’t. During my vacation I ended up drinking while I was skyping with a few friends. When I hung up the final call, I realized that I was super drunk. I couldn’t focus. I get paranoid when I’m drunk and terrified about trying to sleep and vomiting. Also? The spins are dumb. I ended up booting until about 1 in the morning and had to sleep sitting up. I. HATE. THAT. So seeing someone that has obviously had too many wear a stupid grin on their smashed faces makes me want to smash their face in. In my past I have had someone in my car that was so hammered, they took the bottom of the pant leg of their jeans, pulled it inside-out up to the knee, and then puked in it like it was a barf bag. Luckily, I’ve never gotten puke in my car.

7. People that treat me like I’m less intelligent than I am –
Yes… I swear like a trucker. I have verbal diarrhea in social situations (and on this blog) that would make your mother weep and has made my mother hit me with a rolled up newspaper. Although my language is muddled with profanity, my vocabulary is extensive and I don’t shy from larger words.

8. Bees –
Self explanatory

9. Procedural Crime Shows – In the Lab
One of the biggest pet peeves I have is the distinct lack of realistic time span in the lab. It would be better if they had a timer ticking off in the bottom right of the screen as they worked.

10. Obnoxious interstitials in hold music –
When I am angry enough to have to call a company, trying to sell me something while I wait for ten minutes makes it worse. I then take it out on the employee and they don’t deserve it. They’re not paid enough to deal with my wrath.