QFP April and May: Lonely Alpaca

There really is nothing sadder than a lonely alpaca.
Marissa 4/2/12

Everyone’s supposed to have a 1% other for their diet, so I’m fine with eating cat hair.
Steve 4/8/12

Why is Snoop Dogg on anything but parole?
Seth 4/9/12

He put the “meth” in “method acting”.
Seth 4/9/12

I’m not taking you to Universal when this is CLEARLY a Disney mug.
Steve 4/13/12

I can see you… being… talking.
Steve 4/14/12

I put torches… It’s the KKK parade.
Steve 4/14/12

If anal sex is a game, I’m winning.
Vicki 4/16/12

“Somewhat lazy eye”?!?!?! It’s full blown lazy. It’s so lazy, it’s stepdad is furious that it can’t just do the goddamn dishes as it’s the only thing they told it to do…
Ali 4/19/12

You know that I get startled easily. I’m like a deer that loves comic books.
Ali 4/22/12

“Animal Husbandry” isn’t the practice of cross species fucking. I had to look that up to make sure.
Ali 4/24/12

I saw Pineapple Express. I know how this works.
Steve 4/24/12

She really wasn’t interested in doing much other than being punched in the vagina.
Greg 5/17/12

But… Those are hell points.
Lizzylocks 5/18/12

We would go “Walken-Stalkin’.”
Tina 5/18/12

Those vaginas are lookin’ troubled.
Lizzylocks 5/18/12

Ali: You should be on Glee!
Steve: They denied my audition. I was gonna be ‘wheelchair boy #2’… cause I can’t dance.
Ash: you’d just be another Finn
5/20/12

I don’t wanna go to the carnival. There might be carnies there.
Ali 5/25/12

L: Did I miss her butt?
T: She wasn’t drinking.
5/25/12

That’s probably why America started outsourcing. They stopped making shoulder pads.
Marissa 5/25/12

Ashley: Are you stalking me?
Steve: No, you’re just racist.
5/26/12

Oh my god, what just happened? Are you a leprechaun?
Ashley 5/26/12

Ash: it is a plane!
Steve: it’s a boat with an airplane sticker!
5/26/12

Ash: With whips coming out of her nipples!
Ali: Whipples?
5/26/12

Ivy is a tree merkin.
Ali 5/26/12

Steve: I’m kinda wishing I didn’t come.
Ash: Well you can’t take it back, so you’d best make the worst of it.
5/26/12

That beaver asphyxiated on a gut full of cum.
Pat 5/26/12

Ali: Who the hell pulls a sword when a knife is so much easier to handle?
Pat: Perhaps you have never heard of Pat Siana.
5/26/12

And to punish her, I only had sex with her one more time. And I guarantee she didn’t enjoy it!
Pat 5/26/12

I should get a jean vest. Three piece canadian tuxedo!
Drew 5/26/12

Yeah? Tell me you love Justin Bieber for his mind.
Ali 5/29/12

Polish Immortality and Some Exciting News!

Seth: I’ll need to stop at the liquor store tonight.
Ali: AH.
Seth: That’s the Irish part of Irish Wake.
Ali: I know how an Irish Wake works.
Seth: I didn’t want to assume. I have no idea how a Polish Wake works.
Ali: Polish people don’t die.
Seth: That’s why they can eat all those pierogis and kielbasa.
Ali: I’m actually 800 years old.
Seth: Yet you still haven’t seen the Godfather.
Ali: I’ve got all the time in the world.

Ali: AHHHHHH!!!! I’M GOING TO LAPODFEST! (JUST SECURED LODGING AND MY WEEKEND PASS!)
DANCE PARTY, MUTHA FUKKAS!
Seth: That and Polish immortality? Jealous.

Okay, So I guess now is as good a time as any to announce that I’m making my way to Santa Monica for the Los Angeles Podcast Festival in October!

All of my Cali friends… I haven’t secured transportation during the weekend, so if you want to see me, you should stop by to say hey! I cannot guarantee you lodging (as I’m bunking with some lovelies already), but you should consider attending the festival itself!

Check out all of the info at lapodfest.com!

Imma go dance out this excitement!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

A Bit of Funny, An Explanation, and a Taste of What’s To Come

A friend and I were talking and I mentioned my friend Dillon making me laugh. Dillon is a friend that I met on the internet and haven’t met in person yet. Probably because if we did, I might rub his moustache like those assholes that rub people’s buzzcuts.

Anyways… What resulted was an incredibly fun discussion that I am sharing with you now.

… No wait… Now!
… … now?
… … … Here ya go. #BlogTease

Ali: HAHAHA! I totally heart Dillon. Hopefully I get to meet him before I leave the East coast (He lives in Lowell, MA)

Elfie: [MIA Friend] met a MAN from the INTERNET once. then she got all stinky and now she’s in a well. DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A WELL?!

Ali: I’ve met several men from the internet. I haven’t had the sexy times with any of them, but I would with some of the ones I’ve met.

Elfie: well that’s fine, but if you cut off contact with me, I am not looking in any wells for you. (but I will totally look for you in wells if you tell me you need me to.)

Ali: If I ever disappear I damn well expect you to burn every well to the ground and I realize that they have water in them and are brick so it will be problematic but you are smart and can probably figure out how to make water catch fire. Not with magic. We lost that after highschool, what with that wicked queen binding our powers. But you can do it with SCIENCE!

Elfie: SCIENCE! BURN ALL THE WELLS!

Elfie: wait… if you’re IN the well and I burn it….

Ali: I have realized my error, but there is no turning back now. I just hope you can live with burning me to cinders. IT IS FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!
Wait… On second thought… Water is kinda necessary, right? I really don’t want Elfie Water Vengeance to result in the world being turned into a shitty Kevin Costner movie where people have to drink pee.

Elfie: Waterworld was too much water, wasn’t it? Tank Girl was too little.
Or Dances With Wolves was an even weirder movie than I remember…

Ali: Yes, but even though TG was too little water, it had just enough Malcolm MacDowell.

Elfie: and what I was going to say is NSFW so I shan’t make any insinuations about ensuing moisture on your part.

Ali: I really do have irrational crushes on wicked older dudes. Malcolm MacDowell and John Hurt. But it’s more of a “their voices are so lovely I may fall into a healthy 7 hours of sleep” crush.

Elfie: there is nothing wrong with that. I can’t think of anyone we know who would disagree…

Ali: I think the moral of this conversational thread is that I am prone to tantrums due to lack of sleep. And Waterworld was a TERRIBLE movie.

Ali: … and we really need to hunt down that witch to get our powers back. Then there’s no way I would be trapped in a well. NOBODY puts baby in a well.

Elfie: don’t cross the plotlines!

Ali: I don’t know if plotlines work the same as proton packs.

Elfie: let’s not take any chances.

Ali: Yep. Let’s just tell everyone we’re Gods.

Elfie: YES.

 

Admittedly, I haven’t really been writing a lot on the blog. I’ve been lax in writing because there have been a lot of personal demons I’m trying to work through. It’s not something that I can completely delve into, because it’s an amalgamation of things. A “Voltron of suck” if you will.

Mid May is a really rough time for me. I lost someone that I really admired three years ago and I had forgotten about it until I realized that the date had passed. I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I got the news. I was at a stop light and got an email. The light turned green and I took a left turn and drove to my parents house to spend time with our old cat. They were in Hawaii, so when I got to the house I called my dad. As soon as he answered I burst into tears.

I don’t do that often. I tend to compartmentalize sadness and push it away. So, of course, I terrified my father. He waited for me to be able to pull myself together and I told him that our friend had passed away and he compartmentalized for me. As I think about it now, I think that my brain knew that something of note was anniversaried this week so it instinctively forced me to retreat.

The downfall of retreating into my own head is that, even though my imagination is vast and entertaining, there are a lot of monsters. After a week of feeling like I’m playing hide and go seek and wondering why no one had found me, I realized that childhood game is only an effective means of escape when someone knows that they need to look for you.
I thought that as long as I had Twitter and Facebook, I couldn’t go too crazy. I spent the time lurking and making minimal comments to things. It was like an out of body experience where you’re not visiting yourself. Escaping from physical reality and losing myself in Netflix and cyber-reality has been a bit perilous.

Dave Anthony tweeted a few days ago “The Borg actually started as a social media site”, and it’s been mulling around my brain ever since. As a society, we have become very similar to the Borg. For those of you that don’t know what the Borg are, they are cybernetic organisms in the Star Trek universe that try to force people to connect to a hive mind.

Tonight I am going to a friend’s house to hang out. Looking back, the last time that I sat in a room with someone and hugged someone was Sunday. It hasn’t felt like I have isolated myself for five days. After all, I have friends in my phone or computer. I Skyped with a friend in the UK and we waved at each other. I have podcasts where I’m not actually involved in them, but feel like I am.

Human interaction is essential. It really is. In late July, I’m going to need to remind myself that I need to get out and do things.

As it is, my weekends for the next month are filling up with human interaction.
– I have family coming in from Georgia to spend some time with us.
– All of my friends are getting together to hang out.
– I’m going to see some of my summer family.
– I’m going to spend a week road tripping across the country with my mom.

The future is looking incredibly bright. I can see it through the darkness, like a thousand stars sparkling on a summer evening.

Time to stop being selfish and start being awesome. Many thanks to everyone that have made me laugh the last few days. I’ve really needed it.

When We Were Younger and Ill-Informed…

Sometimes you just need some silly to brighten your day. Worked for me. Hope it helps you too!

When We Were Younger and Ill-Informed…

ALI: … I heard that there were going to be bears at a Pride Parade, and shouted “WHAT ZOO HATES GAY PEOPLE?!?!?!!”

SETH: When my mom told me when you paid with a personal check you had to have money behind it, I thought she put cash in the envelope literally behind the check.

MARISSA: I told my friend that we could buy something if we split the money and then proceeded to actually split the bill. I was like 5

ALI: … Whenever someone said “You’re preaching to the choir” I thought they were going to sing to me.

MARISSA: I changed the lyrics to Chumbawumba’s “TubThumping” to “kissing the night away” when I was in the car with my parents. I thought “pissing” would be too offensive…

SETH: I thought a line in a Rod Stewart song that actually went “I’d be so happy I could cry” was “I’d be a happy yucky quacker”. I imagined a smiling duck that lived in the garbage dump.

ALI: I seriously thought “Are we we are the waiting unknown?” by GreenDay was “Are we we are the Wayward Gnomes”.

SETH: The Wayward Gnomes have to be in one of our novels!

MARISSA: Isn’t that your Kansas cover band, Seth?

SETH: Hairy Jon, the Wayward Gnome
We’ll have peas when you get home

MARISSA: This is the theme song to the upcoming film, The Hobbit, right?

Where are my pants?

SETH: Left my phone at home today. Feel like I forgot my pants.
ALI: OH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY WHEN I DO THAT! CAPS LOCK ANGRY!
SETH: That explains the “WHERE ARE MY PANTS?” tweet from last week.
ALI: That actually happens more than I tweet it does.
SETH: Is coming home without your pants part of your plan to simplify your moving? Less pants = less packing?
ALI: I actually lose them at my house. In an empty room. I think I should see an eye doctor before my insurance cuts out.

Jay-Z, Mauve, and Dementia

SETH: Ugh. I can’t wait until I am super wealthy and start flipping off people as a hobby.
ALI: I’m saving that for dementia.
SETH: Elderly Ali will be wearing a giant squirrel costume while dancing in the Safeway parking lot and shouting “MY FAVORITE COLOR IS MAUVE, DICKWEEDS!”
ALI: ACCURATE.
SETH: Including mauve?
ALI: Nope. Green is my favorite color.
SETH: All my favorite ladies love the green. (That may have been a Jay-Z lyric.)
ALI: You know a lot of Jay Z for someone that doesn’t like Jay Z.
SETH: Van Helsing knows a lot about vampires…
ALI: Not really. He just knows that a stick will kill them.
SETH: A stick will hurt Jay-Z as well.

I don’t know what the point of sharing this conversation is. I think it’s to show you that Seth thinks I’m going to be AWESOME when I have dementia.

TV Show Pitches: Weed, Mischief, and Gary Busey

The Blazing Race:

Basically it’s The Amazing Race: Stoner Edition. Essentially, there are five sets of three person groups and they are given a bunch of pot that they MUST smoke. After the first one, they are blindfolded and then brought to random places. Ideally, they would have goals.

“Today, our stoners are in a theme park. They must ride all of the rides, get a joint from a person at the end of each one, and smoke it before moving on to the next one. They also need to find their way out of the park before closing. What they didn’t know was that all of the ‘You Are Here’ stickers were removed and placed incorrectly on the maps.”

“Today, our stoners are in the WORLD’S LARGEST CORN MAZE! They have to find four clam bake tents and take a multiple choice test as celebrity stoners bake up. When they complete the test, they have a card that must be stamped with the letter stamp at each tent and spell out ‘MAZE’ before trying to get out of the labyrinth.”

 

I have about ten friends I want to do this with. I don’t smoke, so I’d be the host.

 

 

Supermarket Sweep: Hyperreality show

I want to wear a blue sweatshirt with the number 1 on it with a friend matching, and have two more pairs of friends in the red twos and the yellow threes. Then we go into an unsuspecting supermarket and we start the clock.

I would love to do this, but I also do not want to be arrested.

 

 

Gary Busey: Time Traveler
Think Doctor Who with no script. Also, I think Gary Busey thinks he has the ability of time travel anyway, so I could just be his copilot saying “Yeah, we’re totally in Russia in the 1870s. Let’s bring Rasputin’s parents a Diaper Genie.”

Is diesel just concentrated gasoline?

Occasionally I email myself things in the morning. They range from incoherent babbles when I am half asleep to one liners that make me laugh. This morning I got into work and opened my email and had the following message from myself.

“Diesel is just gasoline syrup, right?”

This morning I was so tired at the gas station. Waking up is always strange for me, and anyone that has slept in the same room as me can attest that I am both entertaining and make weird noises. Last night I had a dream that I woke up at work and someone was doing my job. They started yelling at me for falling asleep on the job and I was very confused as I was lying in an ornate mahogany bed with a lush red brocade duvet on me.

Anyways, I almost pumped diesel into my hybrid this morning. I had slid in my credit card and had put the nozzle into my gas tank before I realized it was green. I didn’t put any in, because I didn’t know what it would do. Initially I thought “Diesel is just more syrupy, so if I filled the car ¾ of the way and then add a bunch of water I would actually save money in the process.

I don’t know how accurate that is, so my brain said no and then forced me to cancel that transaction and start a new one at the pump.

I wonder how many people have ever tried it.

The Lovers, The Dreamers… and me.

Occasionally when I am feeling downright rotten and want to regress into the cavernous recesses of my psyche, I choose to watch cartoons or made for TV movies. It’s not the best side of me, nor is it the healthiest.

To give you an idea of why I have been so distant, here is the best explanation I can give. I have gone through all 76 episodes of X-Men (from the 90’s), all 65 episodes of Spider-Man: The Animated Series (from the 90’s) and pounded through all 13 episodes of the 2003 revamp of Spider-Man (with the voice talents of Neil Patrick Harris and Lisa Loeb).

Last week I had a day that I wrote 5,000 words (about ten pages) of a story that I have been thinking about for over two years. I was so happy to get it out of me. For the longest time I was suffering from “Writer’s Blockage”.

While I don’t suffer from the same Writers Block as many people have described, I do suffer from Writer’s Blockage. The easiest way for me to describe it is in terms of an accident on the highway. There is a lot of information at one point, but it is off in the distance. I can’t quite reach it due to the other cars (or in writing, superfluous information) blocking my way.

It often feels like the story is there, but when I open a blank document and try to write there is so much going on inside my head. I know what I want to say, but it keeps getting stuck in traffic with the other sides of the story that I want to get out. Dialogue, exposition and scenery gather together like an angry Voltron refusing to let anything pass through my fingers.

Oftentimes I put on the Muppets and for some reason I cannot stop crying when Kermit starts singing “Rainbow Connection”. I guess maybe it never struck me how absolutely sad the song actually is.

I pulled up the lyrics and starting reading them and wondered to myself “Did Kermit not think he was a lover OR a dreamer? He did so many amazing things, put on so many amazing shows, and could play a banjo with froggy palms WHICH IS CRAZY AMAZING AS THERE ARE FAR FEWER FINGERS.”

Perhaps he just felt like he was watching everyone else succeed and it was a little bittersweet. I get it. I see people succeeding everyday. Whether it be a blogger that I absolutely adore getting top billing on the New York Times Best Sellers list for her new book “Let’s Pretend That Never Happened” (Jenny Lawson. Do yourself a favor and buy it.), a friend releasing her new album, a podcast getting planetary recognition, or a friend revealing that they are expecting a child.

The song speaks so strongly to me because I feel like I’m a dreamer that is so terrified of “the sweet song that calls the young sailor” and dooms them to a shipwreck, I keep myself from trying. Self doubt is as much of a self esteem issue as any of the others. It’s absolutely crippling to avoid things because there’s a possibility of failure.

I feel like I have a voice, and while it shows on my site that there is traffic here there isn’t a lot of interaction. Then I wonder if I’m essentially screaming into a black hole. The desire I have to create is directly related to the interest of others. That makes me a shitty writer. I guess that’s why I only have 64 pages of my story out of my head and a universe of story still rustling around my noggin.

For today I remain the “and me” of that supremely bittersweet song. Now to find another cartoon series

Apparently when I’m tired I threaten to stab people.

Ali: I had one of the strangest dreams last night and when I woke up I was all… WTF? Basically it was a sex dream about [name omitted] (whom I have never thought of as more than a good acquaintance). I went to bed in the dream and he slid in beside me. We had a good night and then the following morning I find out that he was HAMMERED (He’s been sober for a decade plus) and as I’m furious with him I find out that he has sold me into slavery.
Seth: That’s a heck of a relapse. Drinking and slave trading
Ali: I know. I almost sent him a message telling him I was disappointed in him.
Seth: I have had women get angry with me for things I did in their dreams.
Ali: I was only really angry about the drinking. The sex was amazing, and I could handle the slave trading, but I was all “What the fuck are all these beer bottles doing all over the floor?!?!?!”
Seth: Actually, EVERY woman I have dated has gotten annoyed with me for things they dreamt I did. Never mind what I dream about, which I wisely keep to my self.
Ali: Of course that’s the ONLY reason women have ever gotten annoyed with you.
Seth: Not fair! I never even implied that.
Ali: I’m cranky and sleepy.
Seth: Do you need a nappy change too?
Ali: I’m going to stab you in the face.
Seth: If you even dream about stabbing me in the face, you better wake up and apologize. After you dream about calling 911 and getting me dream medical attention.
Ali: It’s not a dream.
Seth: You’re going to stab me for realizes? In my oh so pretty face?
Ali: Right now? Probably. I’m so friggin tired.
Seth: Ah-ha! Too tired for face-stabbing! Face-stabbing is a very strenuous activity.
Ali: Only if someone expects it.
Seth: Like if they were warned in repeated emails?
Ali: I have only now recognized my mistake.