Recently, I had a conversation with someone that has been eating at me. It’s been less than a week and I found myself focusing on the conversation when I didn’t have any music at work. It was a simple question, one that I wasn’t prepared for and I didn’t realize why until I drove home today.
“What do you want in life?”
A completely simple, straightforward, and direct question threw me completely off guard. To be honest, it kind of depressed the shit out of me. It gnawed the ever living angst out of me before I realized that I HAD answered their question, only I was vague. I didn’t explain things, and I think I left something out for fear of being judged by someone I’m attracted to. Hell, I think all of it was curbed slightly to prevent myself from thinking that someone was judging me (when they were probably just thinking about elevator music).
So I have decided to expand upon what it was that I said those few days ago.
Ali, What do you want in life?
- Adventure – While the idea of jet setting or backpacking across Europe sounds fantastic to me, that isn’t the only kind of adventure I want. I want the adventure of trying new things, learning new things. The majority of my life I have lived in this self-created bubble and spent so much of my time afraid of letting people watch me fail. It prevented me from auditioning for roles. It prevented me from approaching a possible career in music. It has even prevented me from learning how to play an instrument (and I desperately want to.) All of my friends here love camping. I think I might give it a try some time to see what the hubbub is. I want to try surfing. I want to try ski blading. I want to hike somewhere and watch the sun set (and not die or be eated by a bear. That’d be super.)
- Challenge – I want something to challenge me. I have never really gone for something that I haven’t been good at, so the idea of trying something and failing is absolutely terrifying. I want to not be afraid to rise to the challenge.
- Romance – Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am a sucker for the guy getting the girl and vice versa (or guy/guy, girl/girl. I’m a fan of love not gender). I am a romantic. Sadly, the hopeless kind. The books I read, my Netflix queue, some of my own writing… It’s moderately embarrassing to me, as a woman who is perfectly capable of doing things on her own, to want someone to come in and do something for me. It’s not that I need someone to do it. It’s the feeling that comes with watching someone do something so inconsequential (i.e. Taking out garbage, cooking dinner, rubbing my back) and being completely moved (and ladies, let’s be honest, a little turned on) that they did it because they didn’t want me to have to.
- I want to finish my book by November of next year. I rarely ever give myself a deadline, but this has been sitting in my brain for years now. It needs to come out.
- I WAAAAYYY DOWN THE LINE want to be a mom. I have had the opportunity to be an “auntie” to many a youngin, and I find that it plucks at a particular quadrant in my heart. Not an “aww look at that. How cute” sort of way. More of an “I’m going to make you feel like you’re on the verge of a panic attack” sort of way. I know that I’m not ready now. See the next bullet for reference.
- I want to love myself the way my friends love me. One of the worst things that ever existed in the human psyche is that… The people you loved in childhood start this domino effect clusterfuck. I don’t blame anyone from my past for how I feel about myself in the present, I feel that my perception of other people’s judgments directly relates to how I feel about myself today…
Example: Who I was in 2008 vs who I am in 2012: Most times, I don’t see the difference in appearance. I still feel like me prior to 2009. (I am clarifying this for a friend who is going through a similar experience.)
… So… Everything that is told to me now by new friends is tinged by the experiences of me so many years ago. It is hard to differentiate who I was then vs who I am now as I don’t feel like I have changed much (except for the fact that during this dip into depression I am STILL happier than I ever was on the East Coast). I STILL feel like I constantly need to apologize to people. It took a complete stranger in Studio City, CA to tell me that I was loveable before I realized that I was justifying the negative reactions towards me in the past. If I don’t have a grasp on this mindset I do not think I will be a parent because there is no way I would want to subject a child to this.
You all know that I do not make New Year’s Resolutions. Instead, I will tell you what I have missed since July of this year.
I miss the feeling of touching people (in a completely non-sexual way).
I miss sitting with Paddy on the porch at the InSiana Asylum (not a typo) and just talking and staring at the stars** and bouncing creative ideas off of each other. I also miss family holidays with the family S.
**OH MY GOD PATRICK! The stars are brighter here! Brighter, clearer, and they will dry hump your periphery if you get on a hill too!
I miss walking Bro out of an “IMMA STAB A BITCH” stupor.
I miss sitting on a couch with my bestie, drinking coffee and telling life tales.
I miss Elfie, V, Marissa, LL, and the other ladies of the Stitch and Bitch.
I miss being able to call my mom and dad when I’ve been in a car accident and not freak them the fuck out because I am 3,000 miles away and there is no way they can pick me up.
I miss bonfire friends and dapper dressed gentilefolk that would fill my hours with amusement and my belly with Scotch.
I miss my sister-in-law and my brother.
I miss sitting on the jagged rocks at the beach near my friend’s house. I miss talking to the waves and feeling like I had just let it out to a therapist.
I miss driving to New Haven and taking the train into NYC to see Mel.
I miss having the $$ to visit friends all over the country (and out of it too!)
I didn’t mean to end this with such melancholy. Honestly, the conversation with this person inspired me to write and that hasn’t happened in quite some time, so that’s much appreciated.
I constantly feel the need to reiterate that I am HONESTLY the happiest I have been in years. I have just hit a snag, but the snag is manageable.
Oh and Wendy? Go fuck yourself. I miss you, wifey.