Personal: Am I A Punchline?

When starting a relationship or evaluating the possibility of a relationship, why do things have to be so complicated?
I know that I went part Carrie Bradshaw there, and I’d like to apologize for that. It’s been brought to my attention that a crush that I have had for quite some time has been a topic of discussion throughout my circle of friends. I have to admit, it hurts that I was so obvious and completely oblivious to it. 
I don’t get it. I feel like I’m a punchline in a long running joke. I guess I am afraid that when I’m introduced, “oh, this is the Ali I was telling you about” may be followed by the unmentioned “she’s the one who’s had a huge crush on so and so.” It is a large step back in mental progress.
It has been years since I realized that I had feelings for someone. For the most part, I felt that I was undeserving of the advances of someone else. I was also terrified of admitting my feelings and getting the “awww how cute” brush off.
So yes, That’s a heavy question. I think that things are so complicated because humans (in general) are inherently self involved and most are terrified of rejection. Crushes occur and never progress into relationships because one or both people are afraid to admit their feelings.
At least when you’re nursing a crush, you get the lottery ticket feeling. Let me explain what I mean. When I buy a lottery ticket, it is more the 24-48 hours prior to the drawing that I buy it for. The “what if” factor is extremely appealing. “What would I do with $240 million dollars?”
That is close to the mentality of a crush for me. “What if things worked out with so and so?” I think a lot of people feel that the daydreaming can be so much better than the reality that they don’t want to ruin it. Sometimes, the fantasy is what the reality can be.  Most times, it never is. I think the fear of the answer makes you focus more on the question that you’ll never ask.
Sorry this is all jumbled. I’m just trying to work some shit out.

Read 2 comments

  1. I completely agree with you. The reality of a relationship is the bills, the money or lack of, the fights, the who’s cooking, who’s cleaning and who’s taking the dog out. Reality sucks. At this point in my realtionship (been with the guy for about 6.5 yrs – married 5) I look back and LOVED being single and living on my own. No one snored, stole the blankets or farted under the covers. If I could go and be single again………….. in a heart beat.

    Then there are the pros of a relationship. For me, i think the cons win but let me list a few pros……. I’m thinking, give me a second……………………. Ummmmmmmmm…. I could say sharing the day at work with when I get home but he won’t with me and could care less about my day……….

    Stay single. Don’t settle on so and so just because he has ???? (fill in the blank). You will know if the ‘mr right’ instead of ‘mr right now’ comes along. He will be the one you can’t live without. Don’t be stupid like most of us and marry because ‘he asked’. (Can you see what I did?) Just because you are someone soul mate does not mean they are yours. Mila Mason said it best “I don’t need a man I can live with. I need one I can’t live without.” That makes it tough.

    As for your friends, family and people you know………. Screw them and what they talk about especially if it is you. They need to have more of a life than to gossip about who you have a crush on, like or dating. Sorry to be harsh but a true friend would be there planning and plotting how to kidnap the dude and hold him for your personal sex slave or what not…. they would not be spreading gossip about you.

  2. Whenever I like someone, I never say anything to any of my friends, because sadly I don’t trust anyone. People talk way too much about other people when they really should be focusing on their own lives and relationships.

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