After this laundry list of gifts, I am surprised we even have room in the apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I love being doted on, but the food budget this coming year will be astronomical!
1. 12 fruit bearing trees. Really? I don’t think in our entire time together I have ever said “Honey, I love pears so much I want an orchard of them. In our tiny two bedroom apartment.” Why a partridge for each one? Will they devour all of that rotting fruit?
2. 22 Albino Pigeons… If I were a magician, I’d be thrilled.
3. 30 Hens from France? How much did it cost to ship them for ten days in a row?
4. 36 Chirping Blackbirds. I cannot sleep with all of these squawking birds!
5. 40 Gold Rings… I’m strangely comfortable about these…
6. 42 Geese a Laying… Well you’ve eliminated the need to spend $2 every three weeks for a dozen eggs, but you could have at least climbed a beanstalk and got magical ones. With the golden eggs we’d at least be able to handle the massive amount of mouths to feed.
7. 42 Swans a Swimming… Our bathtub is filled to the brim and those little bastards are MEAN!
8. 40 Maid’s a Milking? We don’t have cows! I bet the tavern wench outfits came with the deal, right?
9. 36 Ladies Dancing. For some reason, I think this gift was more for you. Although, the exotic, burlesque and belly dancers are teaching me a few things… Wait! Still mad at you.
10. 30 Leaping Lords?! BAH! Flatley clones!
11. 22 Pipers Piping. Nothing says “I love you, goodnight” like the shrill sound of a piccolo.
12. 12 People Rocking out Like Animal from the Muppets… We are so gonna get evicted.
Have a Fantastic Holiday Season Everyone!
(Why yes Jamie, I was bored enough at work to make an excel spreadsheet for this. But unfortunately posterous hates excel, so I had to take a screenie.)
Originally Posted 12/22/2009