Recently, because of the death of Andrew Koenig, I’ve been revisiting old diaries/journals/whatever you want to call them and have been fascinated at how much I have grown in such a seemingly insignificant amount of time. The entries are dark, and I had even mentioned times that I had physically punished myself during the bad times.
During my darkest times, I remember feeling like a porcelain doll. The slightest interruption or offset seemed cataclysmic to me, like I would plummet from my little shelf and crack into a thousand pieces.
I know that feeling isn’t ever going to go away. I’d like to think that I have progressed enough to know when I’m having one of those days. Trust me, if something is going wrong with me… I will look for someone to talk to. I know that a lot of people that suffer from depression feel that they don’t. That, or they have had a bad experience with one person turning them away that they feel like everyone will turn them away or trivialize their emotions.
But you know what?
It’s okay to be sad. Embrace the sadness. Be aware of the sadness. The fact that you can recognize that you’re stressed and disheartened proves that you’re looking at things proactively. Even though you don’t necessarily know how to fix it, you know that they need to be fixed.
One step at a time you can alter your perceptions and work on things and then look back on this day and go “Yeah, things were bleak. I fixed what I could and I’m working on the rest.” That happened to me as I looked at my old “angst-filled” entries.
Life is like the Wheel of Fortune tarot card. Things can change.
Giving up is not an option.
If you are feeling suicidal at all, please check out this site. It offers ways of dealing with suicidal thoughts and desires.
Yes, I consider a thought and desire (in this case) to be separate.
A suicidal thought can be a fleeting “I wonder if anyone would miss me” type thing. A suicidal desire would be the itch to do bodily harm to yourself.
My biggest hope is that someone reads this and realizes that they are not alone in feeling the way they do.
So please… get help if you need it. Even if you’re not sure if you need it, ask someone. Talk it out. Start a blog. It can be anonymous. Sometimes letting out your feelings under a nom de plume helps. Letting something bottle inside results in anxiety, stress, and taking something too far.