Nutshelling 2014

My life has been in a regular state of flux for the last two months… Well, the year, really.

I began 2014 unemployed and lost. I formed relationships (both friendships and romantic entanglements) and after a series of unfortunate events some of them ended. I lost a very dear woman in my life very close to my birthday and it’s going to hurt forever. Luckily, we get to laugh about the stupid things we all did.

I found out that I’m going to be an Auntie in 2015.

I got a job with a good company and can see myself here until I retire.

And a few weeks ago, I called out someone I cared about for using me for financial/product gain. Their reply was to shut me out completely.

My words were “I enjoy the pleasure of your company. However, I know you’ll stop contacting me when you have your own [item], because your request was for [item] – not for my company. Send a text when you’d actually like to hang out.” The end result was a moratorium of communication with someone I deemed to be my closest friend on this coast. This person saw all of the wrinkles, the scars, the wounds that would not heal. They allowed me the ability of complete disclosure. Sharing the worst and best of myself, I found my affection had grown to a level that I wasn’t accustomed to or prepared for. To have them just cease all forms of communication was jarring.

Unfriending me on Facebook, removing me from their PSN friends… It hurt.

A deep dedication to my own pride prevented me from eating crow until recently I saw that person on a rare visit to a mutual friends house. While I was never acknowledged by name or even nod, the fact that I felt included in the conversation instigated a text.

I wished them and theirs a happy holiday. Their reply was “who is this?” meaning that they A: Actively deleted me from their phone or B: maybe lost my number?

So, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and asked if they had gotten a new phone. With that affirmation I confirmed who I was and asked if our friendship was “officially” over.

They said that it was for them. Apparently, my words actually encouraged them to take a look at how they were living their life a few months ago and they realized that they weren’t making time for me because of who I was, but because of what I could provide to them.

While that would have hurt me two months ago, I found myself relatively unfazed by that. I was muddled as to my feelings over this person’s apparent dismissal of our friendship, which had meant a lot to me when it was happening. I had suffered countless slings, arrows and INTENTIONAL barbs from people that I respected because I felt that the friendship was worth having – and they had absolutely no insight as to that which had progressed in the friendship.

Yes, this person had baggage, but so did I, and for a moment we carried the same luggage (to completely butcher a phrase). To have that discarded so carelessly hurt a few months ago. To be fully transparent… it stings still, but I find that now it is much more manageable than when I was consumed with the idea that WE were fighting the fight.

So, a few weeks ago, I was told by this person to give up the fight. To realize that, regardless of how many facets that exist in this gorgeous gem that is my friend, the adjacent sides had different perspectives… And THAT actually granted me a moment of catharsis.

While I cried a bit over losing something I valued, it made me feel better… Lighter, even. It’s a shallow wound now, whereas two months ago I would’ve required triage.

I do not blame this person for the end result. With them, it was tumultuous drama. The moments of great felt like it would be worthwhile to continue a friendship, but I’m no longer sacrificing my potential happiness for anything unworthy. It now feels as if it is more a measure of growing up to let go.

So yes, this year has been an enormous learning experience.

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