Today has been an unwelcome rollercoaster ride.

I know that everyone carries this stigma of the 13th Friday of any month. It’s never been more than a lucky day for me.

Work today was extremely difficult and I felt anxious and overwhelmed, but I soldiered through because I’m not going to let anything I can control beat me. I CAN control a panic attack. I CAN relieve anxiety and depression. The past has taught me that things get shitty, and things get awesome.

So I got home and filled out my rental application for the apartment I want. I was excited and worried at the same time. I, like so many others, have a weird credit history (long story) and I was terrified that it would result in a dismissal of my request. I decided to be proactive and check my credit score. When I saw the number, I felt my eyes well up with tears of joy. I had jumped over a few really crappy hurdles and it was shown in three numbers. I was so excited about applying!

The rollercoaster had reached the peak FAR SOONER than I expected. The drop was also out of the blue.

A few of my friends are having a shitty time and their drop is longer and more perilous than mine. One posted to a private forum that they had a gun and shot themselves. After ten minutes with no reply/confirmation, I called the police station in the town that Facebook said they lived in. The dispatch rep was very calm and asked for any information I could give him. at one point, my voice broke because I realized that I had VERY LITTLE information to provide them. He was able to locate their address and promised to send over someone to make sure everything was okay. He took my name and number. I initially thought he was just making sure it was on the up and up.

He called me back fifteen minutes later to tell me that they were able to contact them and they were okay. That dude… he was amazing. I don’t think he needed to do a followup but he did and it helped IMMENSELY.

I was relieved, but also angry. This was posted in a private group where there really was NO GUARANTEE that anyone would have caught it in time.

I’m not going to tell you that life is worth living. Sometimes, I STILL have those moments where I want to end it all.

Occasionally I won’t even know it. I will be driving and then I will think “I wonder how long it would hurt if I drove into that telephone pole”. Then I remember that it happened to me once (accidentally) and it was no fucking fun. Everyone has dark impulses. It’s your inner shithead trying to poke you into a decision with long term consequences.

So say it with me now. FUCK YOU, inner shithead. You’re not going to fucking win. You might tell me to kill myself sometimes, but I don’t need to listen to you.

Have you ever watched a movie that was so compelling and then the power went out and you were disappointed? Think of your life like that. If you think a movie needs a soundtrack, sing some of your conversations randomly (I do this all the time).

Most importantly? I don’t want you to die. Think of the childr  … me. Think of the me.

Read 2 comments

  1. I truly am sorry for the people who feel that ending their life is the only way but the situation last night truly pissed me off. To put people, you’ve never met in that situation was unfair and selfish. You obviously need professional help, if you truly care about your child like you claim, than get it. I really can’t put into words what I’m feeling I just dont like to see my friends put into that situation by anybody.

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