Battling Rage

Let’s face it. Some days are worse than others. Today I have found that it has taken every ounce of my being to not tear into someone at the slightest provocation.

In my past, I would have moments where I would be tempted to lash out and would gladly give into it. I reveled in influencing someone else with my negativity. I was that real life troll that would love seeing the reaction of hurt on someone’s face and then I would consider it a challenge to make everything okay again. However, the people that don’t have to love you shouldn’t have to put up with that.

BUT… I really want to do that today. My brain is telling me to tap into my über bitch and unleash all of this pent up rage. It’ll be healthier if you do, my anger-goblin has been whispering in my ear. Making someone feel bad will probably prevent you from getting cancer.

My inner goblin monologue is stupid. But I believe that it is motivated by primitive instincts. I think that’s the part of the brain where it’s located. Also, it’s a goblin so it’s adorable and illustrated by Brian Froud and brought to life by Henson studios.

It’s been awhile since I have really been as angry about nothing as I am at this moment. The slightest provocation would be horrible right now. Logically I don’t want to make anyone cry because of something I’ve said. But instinctively I really want to tell someone something incredibly hurtful about their personality and make them suffer like I feel like I am right now.

Instead, I am trying to distract my brain by online shopping. The best part about it is that I just add a bunch of things to wish lists because I’m moving and really don’t want to pay more money to move a bunch of shit that hasn’t made me happy. So even though my fury is encouraging me to BUY BUY BUY, I at least have a bit of logic controlling my trigger finger on the mouse.

It is a bit boring populating a hypothetical domicle though so I might switch to google imaging “cats in hats” or spend a few hours trying to find something to take my mind off of it. Maybe some stupid video game that doesn’t require thought because intelli-Ali is MIA right now.

How do you deal with the rage-goblin inside you? Do you stab the homeless? Do you tickle the elderly? Do you have shout time inside your car during your morning commute (and do the people in your carpool cry?)? Do you listen to a bunch of podcasts where people will rant about things that will make you feel better? Do you watch countless youtube videos of kittens filmed in Japan (because somehow Japanese kittens are TOTALLY cuter)?

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  1. I keep myself incredibly busy. The tradeoff there is all of the anxiety that comes with the self-doubt concerning the truly BIG questions in the life of a busy person. “Am I doing enough?” “Am I doing the right/best things.” “Am I wasting my time.” “Why the fuck should I ever need a break from doing something I love? I just must be lazy and worthless.”

    I’ll beat those questions to death with more work but also different work. I am so glad that I stumbled back into lifting weights again because it’s a great juxtaposition to the other work I do, writing jokes and stories. I feel like I have a better grip on my anger and rage, but my temper still causes little problems here and there. Seems to end quicker than it used to and I’m onto new and better things before I know it.

    I was just re-listening to early Mental Illness Happy Hours and ep#2-Marc Maron had the comment from Marc, “Depression will keep you in your bed, but the anxiety will get you out of it.” That’s true, but anxiety also makes me sit at my desk and flit back and forth between 8 different things and drive myself crazy. I know it takes a while but it’s possible to train yourself to be disciplined with your emotions and make the decision to focus them in a certain way.

    My chosen path of focus for negativity is the do things that shift the emphasis to my physical body and away from my mental self. When I’m angry, frustrated, depressed, etc, it’s always physical movement that saves me and pulls me back to coolness, and now that I’m eating better and can actually see and feel that my body likes this and is responding this leads my mind to tell me IT REALLY LIKES THIS!

    You’ve no idea how many thousands of Air Guitar World Championship titles I’ve won at the multitude of self-produced, self-booked, self-promoted air guitar tournaments I’ve staged here in my room. There is no warehouse big enough to hold my trophies, and don’t even get me started on air drumming. I’ve pounded countless galaxies into space dust with my air drumming.

    Long?
    I like to write.
    Keith.
    Keith Earickson recently posted..Redemption: Chapter 1, Verse 1.

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