Batman Was Probably a Shitty Kid

Dear Batman,
Share the wealth. I know that you’ve probably run out of room on your walls for your plaques for generous contributions to random charities. That’s great. You’re handing out money, but look at what you actually have. For now, I’m going to not even include the visible part of Wayne Manor. Let’s talk about the Batcave and the inventions therein.

You have all of these really cool computer programs (how did you manage that by the way?) and quality equipment that would make local law enforcement more efficient. Do you know how crazy it is to get DNA results that quickly? When you test blood and urine it takes HOURS. Your computer goes *BleepBloop* and there you go. It’s Harleen Quinzel. (Tangent – What is wrong with Gotham water? Does everyone with a doctorate go insane?)

You have all of these fantastic toys – the batmobile, batarang, shark repellant. Why don’t you share that last one with surfers? YOU COULD SAVE LIVES, BRO! Think of how many leaps in science can be made if you just shared your toys.

I bet you were a really shitty kid.


P.S. Sorry about your parents.


(I wrote this awhile ago and found it in my drafts and it made me laugh. It was first drafted on 8/31/11.)

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