Since my birthday is rapidly approaching, I have decided to compile a list of gifts I would like.
1. One Baby Centaur, housebroken: Think about it! I could teach it to trample my enemies and it could take me riding when I can’t afford gas anymore. Once it gets to an older age of course. I wouldn’t ride a baby centaur. That would be cruel. Maybe I would let my friends kids ride it, but only if they promised to play like kids afterwards. When it’s older, I would brush it’s hair and it would brush mine and I would have made sure to teach it how to style my hair so that it would save me time in the morning.
**Alternate Centaur Idea – A blond centaur in an argyle sweater that looks like Greg Behrendt and cries Skittles. If this were the way you decided to go, I would need a Gryphon in a clown suit [no makeup] that looks like Dave Anthony. I would tape regular podcasts to share in the magical misery (much like an ACTUAL episode of Walking the Room). Gryphon Dave MUST be able to conjure Tim Tams and other various candies.
2. Superpowers: While I am not particular about which superpower there are a few restrictions.
A. I don’t want a power that would make human interaction difficult. If you give me the power of radiation, that would make for a very lonely life and why would you do that to someone, especially if you are giving it as a birthday gift.
B. No bullshit powers. I don’t want the ability to dim lights, the ability to prevent a sneeze, skilled shoveling, or anything mediocre like that. This is a god damned birthday present. Even if you get lightning speed at a discount, you still don’t tell the birthday girl that.
3. A bar. I think I’d be a pretty good bar owner.
4. Cookies (no more of the coconut Girl Scout ones though. I overdosed on those in February.)
5. Enough airline points to be able to travel to wherever I want. Especially Eureeka.
6. Excalibur (and the supreme right to wield it): I wouldn’t use it to conquer a nation. I would use it to make sandwiches. What type of sandwiches? DELICIOUS ONES!
7. A machine or program that would transcribe my thoughts (even when I just want to write profranity over and over again).
8. A book or movie deal. That would be nice.
9. To be the first American to play the Doctor on Doctor Who.
Alright. These are just a few of my completely reasonable requests for birthday presents. Get on it.