Unsolicited Replies to Inappropriate/Unnecessary Questions/Comments on the Internets

I will be answering these messages that actually exist as if I were a famous actor and the tweets were actually sent to me (because it’s funnier that way and the main purpose of this is to crack me up… that and I’m really famous in my brain). Just call me Notorious A-L-I.

[That being said, I’d love to be famous… Hook a sistah up!]

**Full details of the @alisonbaziak dream here** [followed by link: in said link it mentions how the tweeter “made out with” the dream version of me]
A part of me wonders what the poster expected from tagging me in their post. Because I am incredibly curious, I think “Fuck yeah I wanna know what dream me did! That bitch is CRAZY fun!” I get it, we all have weird dreams. Sometimes famous people show up in them. I didn’t even post the one with the coked out singer trying to get crack in exchange for doing dental work on me.
When the end of the dream is me making out with the dreamer, I wonder if they think that one random day their doorbell is going to ring and I’m going to be standing out there with a red rose to pull them into a passionate embrace. From a fan stand point that would be pretty cool, but that’s less likely than being struck by lightning (Odds for that are 1/750,000. Yep. Looked it up.) I wonder what the odds are for being tazered by your favorite celebrity… It has to be better odds than that.

**Here’s a link to a video I made of my favorite clips of @alisonbaziak** [the video is every partially nude/make out scene ALI has ever done]
Awesome… You have taken every scene out of context and put them all together. You have taken ten years of my life and truncated it into five minutes of me without clothing. The only thing that could make it worse would be to add a completely inappropriate song to it… Oh wait, I forgot it was on mute… Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch Up?!  Really?? REALLY??
Okay, I should have started this entire blog entry by saying that it’s flattering that you would take the time to appreciate my work. It’s gratifying to know that my work means something to you. But if the only thing you like about my work is a lack of clothing… Well that’s still awesome but please don’t tag me in your post. As I’ve mentioned before… I’m a curious person.

**Can we get arrested for mentioning @alisonbaziak too much?**
Unfortunately, no. HA! I’m kidding. Mention me all you want. In this business, the fan base is what keeps you employed. I love my fans. Some of you can take it a little too far, but that’s what restraining orders are for (Plus, with one of those it may have my autograph! Squee!)

[Stepping out of character for a moment… THIS IS INCREDIBLY FUN! I like pretending I’m famous. It’s like playing dress up as a kid. Okay, back I go!]

**I’ve been waiting since age 9 to be on a school bus w/@alisonbaziak that gets in an accident so I could come to her rescue**
Setting aside the fact that this is incredibly morbid… Thank you for being clever. Creepy, but still clever. My first reaction was to laugh. My second was to make sure you weren’t a bus driver. If for some reason you’ve never gotten your license, please be sure to keep it that way.

**@alisonbaziak You’re hot. Follow me please?**
An Answer in <140 Characters?: No
A More Verbose Reply: Once again, thank you for being a fan. As much as it IS gratifying to hear that you find me attractive, please understand that on Twitter, those words are under every picture I post. A surplus of times. I will NEVER reply to any of those comments because although it’s humbling to hear it, thanking you for it would make me seem narcissistic. It’s also not very original. *shrug* Sorry, I’m just being honest. Plus, if I start following you, the inappropriate direct messages start and I have to feel like a jerk for unfollowing you and then blocking you from my account.

**@alisonbaziak Did you like doing your last project? Was there ever one you did that you didn’t like?**
What cracks me up more than this question is to see that this is in reply to a post I made about an interview WHERE I ANSWERED THIS QUESTION!! Yes, I enjoyed the last project I did. I’ve done a few rotters, but I’ll never tell you which one(s) I think was (were). That’s called “biting the hand that feeds you”.

**@alisonbaziak What are your thoughts on drugs?**
… [Even in pretend mode I cannot think of an answer here that isn’t “Why the fuck would I tell you that?”]

**I think Alison Baziak should change her name. Was there ever a more disturbing name for an actor?**
Well first, fuck you. Your name isn’t spectacularly awesome either. Second, it’s unique. I know that my link is going to be the first one to come up on a search engine when someone types it in the search bar. And third, I like disturbing. Next!

**@alisonbaziak Wanna see me naked?** [no joke. I found this one.]
Yes. Not because I think you and I have the start to a budding relationship. Mainly because I’m perverse and I can always use a good laugh. Unless you’re hot, then that’s another story. But rule of thumb – If you don’t like looking at yourself naked, chances are I won’t either.

Want more replies? Feel free to leave some random questions! I would love to reprise this role!

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Read 2 comments

  1. But..I had a dream with you and Feanix in it a while back..we didn’t make out..but there were zombies. I wanted to get to safety but you only wanted to play your ukulele on the rooftop. Lotta help you were!! *angry face*

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