NEWS of Newsyness! (Newsiness?! I don’t know. Somewhere my iPhone is puking.)

Okay, so recently I entered to win a ticket to the Wilbur Theatre from THIS GUY! (as read on a Nerdist podcast)

I listened to the podcast, saw the video and thought “good lord I make too many friends on the other side of the US. I should move.”

So in a fit of work boredom I decided to enter. Here was my entry.

“Hello Chris,

1. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about Boston. Whenever I go there I have someone from the area that takes me places while I’m drunk. I think it’s a town secret and in order to bring someone somewhere they need to be completely inebriated.

I do, however, have a car and live close. Have car. Will travel.

2. I’m about a 2 hour drive away in CT. When I found out about the Wilbur Theatre performance I posted a bunch of comments on both facebook and my twitter feed (@Cranialspasm). Seeing as none of my friends wanted to go there, I have been sad ever since.

I had a friend that wanted to go, but found out that Chris would be in Chicopee the evening before and that is closer to us. We’re going. Then I find out Phirman is going to be at the Wilbur. I need new friends.

And as you did for Chris, here is more info than you may want to know about me. If I have any inner monologue as I’m typing this, it’s going to be included.
Name: Alison Baziak
Age: 28 (no wait… 27? I was born June ’83. 27. Right.)
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Heteroflexible (Brown chicken brown cow! Sidenote: The BCBC joke was initially told to me by a six year old)
Sexual Ability: Decent! (High five!)
Religion: I guess that I approach the internet with crazed devotion, but if I were to give it a title.. (fuck)… Okay apparently I fail at that. If we’re talking about an innate belief of something, “don’t be a dick” is the closest I’ll be able to give you right now.
Political Leaning: If there is a fuckyeahsarahpalin account on tumblr, a thousand hipster heads will explode.
Special Skills:
– Sarcasm
– crazy life stories (accidentally stabbed myself, ran from a bear)
– the ability to transcribe the funny shit said around me (and by me – it’s actually posted on cranialspasm.com/category/quotes-from-pals – if we hang out, you’d most likely make my April list if you make me laugh)
– writing (especially drunken rants)
– getting my mom to say funny shit on camera (youtube.com/cranialspasm)
– taking pictures. I’m pretty awesome with that
– not crying while getting tattooed (even the Bride of Frankenstein bust I had done on my right leg)
– being able to tell you if you are looking at a lesbian, or looking at Justin Bieber
Future Aspirations:
I’m going to write a book. Or finish one of the seven that I’ve started.
I’m going to sing on a Broadway stage (I don’t care if there is an audience)
I’m going to do karaoke with Chris Hardwick.
Turn Ons: Pretty much everything
Turn Offs: Pretty much everything (I’m a girl and can probably break someone’s jaw if I needed to, so I hold the keys to my vagina. Nope… Honda… Those are Honda keys. And that’s a hybrid, not a vagina.

If I don’t win the contest, I might buy a ticket anyways. So even if I don’t win, we might be able to meet and high five emphatically somewhere (maybe even in front of Hardwick).

Also, I should be working right now. That’s gotta count for something.”

I know, I’m amazing right? He’d have to pick me!

So, a few days ago he posts the results in video format. I would embed/link to it, but YouTube TwatSwatted me away.

Anyways, I didn’t watch the whole thing right away. I got angry, then I got sad, then I played some ukulele, got sad again… Well… You can just see my reaction.

So it turns out, I will be seeing Hardwick at the HuKeLau on 4/8 then shipping up to Boston for a noodle story filled day 4/9. a weekend of Hardwick.

The funniest thing is that I’m sure he’ll be like “that girl wore all of her Nerdy clothing just that weekend” and I’ll be all “shut up someone elses brain, that’s the only clothing I own” and his brain will be all “you only own two outfits?” and I’ll be all “no, I just don’t own anything that doesn’t have nerdy stuff on it and YOU KNOW WHAT? For having a site called Nerdist, you sure are being judgemental about my TMNT backpack”.

Man… I’m so mad right now. Damn you fictional account of Chris Hardwick’s judgemental brain.

Oh yeah. Also? Christopher Coleman likes scotch and that grants a +5 Charisma modifier against Ali.

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