I’m Ranting but Not Actually Angry. Thank you brain.

Is depression when you recognize envy?

I have no idea what made me think of this, but it happened and I kind of hate my brain a little for plaguing me with this right before a week of stresslessness (I know spell check. It’s not a word.). I think it might have been brought about by listening to Nerdist podcast #39 (With Rainn Wilson) again.

They spend some of the podcast talking about spirituality and their own impressions of what depression is. Hardwick said that one of the things that he associates with depression is excess energy that isn’t going anywhere. Jonah Ray then told the story about the burrito – the place that “Enjoy Your Burrito” came from.

I don’t know. It’s well known that I have “suffered” from depression. I use quotes because in retrospect it doesn’t feel like I’ve truly suffered. I’m sure it felt that way when I was at my worst. But also when I look back at the times that I remember being truly depressed it was initiated by someone having something awesome happen to them. That or something so crazy terrible happened that I empathetically assigned their pain to my state of being. I realize how absolutely self centered that is.

“I’m so bummed. My best friend just lost her job.” For some reason, I think that statement is still inherently self centered. Let’s be honest. Your best friend lost THEIR job. They have to figure out how to pinch their pennies so they can afford rent for the following month while getting their resume updated, finding a temp agency, or doing what they need to do to survive. Feeling bad for someone is something that we all instinctively do. We think that in order to connect or show that we’re listening, we need to reply with “Oh that sucks” or “That’s so horrible”. But if the badness is happening to us, if we don’t hear some fucking empathy no one cares.

Ugh. I’m having such a roundabout thought stream right now.

Back to depression. When I look back to times that I felt the most depressed, it had everything to do with what I wasn’t doing and I could equate all of them to envy.

Examples – Most of these are from at least 5+ years ago. I’m still processing a lot of the stuff that I go through.

1. I loaned someone some money for them to be able to make their rent payment. When I had that conversation with them, afterwards I didn’t think about how much crow they had to eat to approach me. Instead I looked at my bank book and immediately hated myself for not completing college, for not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, for buying worthless shit whenever I had a rough day at work (and I was working for Shady Cable at the time. That job cheese grated my soul.). On top of that, I felt anger and envy (these are a few of my favorite sins) for people I deemed successful either around me or in any celebrity update. Oh good, some famous actor just bought a house for $37 Million. That would take me seventeen lifetimes to be able to afford.
2. Someone that I knew in high school had a song on the top 100 chart for the mother-fucking Billboards. How did THEY get famous while I’m sitting here going to essentially a dead end job that makes me quieter and quieter every day I leave. Instead of using my voice for singing, I’m spending eight hours of my day getting yelled at by some dick that doesn’t get to watch TV because they didn’t pay their bill for three months. Oh wait… now their song is in a commercial? In a prime time show? I mean, yeah it’s great. Good for them. *grumble*
(I actually don’t have a problem with them now. I envy that they had that experience but I’ve come to grips that I couldn’t compose a song even if there was a gun against my mother’s temple. Envy is anger over unreal expectations.)
3. Some mother fucker that I don’t even know has more Twitter followers than me (alright, this one is current). To be fair… I love all of the people that follow me. I’m still flabbergasted that I have as many as I do and who they are. I’m essentially an ego-maniac that believes I’m a big deal even though no one has really heard of me… YET. I think what I’m trying to say is get @jonahray, @mattmira, @nerdist, @wilw, @nathanfillion, and @feliciaday to follow me. I’m kidding. Kind of.
4. Pretty much whenever one of my single friends tells me they have a new significant other I’m jealous. It’s strange, because I don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship. Just because I’m alone, doesn’t mean I’m lonely. I’m not. I just see someone and assume that they’re unquestionably and utterly happy with their life. I know this is a completely deluded thought process, but I get bummed that this person has all of this happiness in their life and I’m only happy in spurts. I know that what they aren’t telling me is that not everything is perfect. Everyone has issues in their life, but if I’m having a blah day and someone else is telling me how happy they are I have to bite back a sarcastic reply. I should just be happy for someone, but it is so fucking easy to be angry.

Oh, and congratulations on your fucking baby.

Keeping the angry to yourself results in your brain saying “Hey… Hey you… Hey… fuck you. Watch this!” If your brain is similar to mine you immediately have a clip show in your brain of people doing happy things in Technicolor. Then it immediately cuts to you in sepia with a sad trombone playing and the sound of mocking laughter playing over you.

I wish that someone could tell me definitively what depression is and how it feels for EVERYONE. If someone ever did that, however, I would probably keep my anger to myself then get depressed then lash out.

I’m getting very tired of not having endings to things. From now on I’m just going to post a random thought that has nothing to do with my post.

How creepy are ducks?

Read 2 comments

  1. Ducks should not be able to talk….I’m looking at you Donald, Daffy, and Gilbert Gottfried!!!!

    Ali,

    You’re human. Stupidly obvious statement, but the reason for feeling the way you do. I’ve felt like that many, many times and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I do again.

    Just remember…You’re awesome.

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