Long Time No Blog…

Yes, I COULD put on pants, but I needed to make sure the heater in my new place works.

… Also I hate pants.

… … Oh, and if I die, then my heater works but there’s this weird smell. I’m assuming that it’s the hair of the previous renter, because I haven’t collected enough hair in my hairbrush to put it in the heater where it belongs.

Alright, I think someone has gotten me drunk.

…… Okay it was me.

I’M BACK!

Review: Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra – Theatre is Evil

I’m not going to lie to you. I have heaps of things that are currently in my review queue, but a part of me feels like if I do not get this out I will explode. You know that feeling when you gorge in November on Turkey and other various carb-loaded goods (To-furkey for all y’all vegans) and sit down on a recliner and just want someone to rub your tummy? Yeah… Theatre is Evil is my motherfucking yams*, y’all.

 

Earlier this year, Amanda Palmer launched a Kickstarter to produce her latest album. It made so many different news feeds, I could link to it, but I like to pretend that many of the new stations don’t exists… Anyways… In exchange for helping there were several tiers of gifts and packages that you could buy into. Sadly, since I was planning to move (and have since moved and have no steady paycheck) I could only invest a small amount to the cause.

 

Last night I received my code for the Deluxe Digital Download. I had already turned off my computer for the night and was inching my way to my bedroom when I checked my phone and found the email. I immediately rushed to my computer to turn it back on and downloaded it with the impatience of a two year old in a room full of brightly wrapped presents.

 

Instead of sitting in bed, wishing that I could just demand my body to sleep, I went through all of the computer-centric content (art and videos) and loaded the album unto my phone so I could listen to it on the way to my temp gig in the morning.

 

This morning, I pressed play and started the drive to work. As it will be difficult to keep my train of thought, I figured that since I did a Record Club review of the Dresden Dolls album “Yes Virginia…” I would do a special “Theatre is Evil” review.

 

Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra – Theatre is Evil

 

Preconceptions:

 

Well, I have been getting non stop kickstarter updates from Amanda in regards to the progress of the tour and art and boobies and stuff so I have been very excited about the release of the full album. I had the opportunity to watch the music video for “Want It Back” and hoped that the album would kick my metaphorical dick off.

 

Mood:

 

Introspective and kind of meh.

 

After Listening:

 

My metaphorical dick has been kicked. The album is incredibly well produced and thought out. There were surprises in songs when I thought I was going to be hearing something and heard something else.

 

I’m going to pull from my old review of earlier Palmer werks (because I’m lazy and admittedly a little drunk [This is a double-edged sword as I now want to make out with Amanda Palmer {.. again…}]) “Dresden Dolls/Amanda Palmer tends to be a very polarizing force when you are first being exposed to the tracks. Regardless of how you feel about the delivery of the words, Palmer is a wordsmith. She is a smith of words. Her piano is her anvil.”

 

As much as I miss Viglione on this album, I know that this is a completely different beast from the Dresden Dolls. If you are a nerd (like I am), think of it as “Amanda Palmer’s Monster Manual”. The addition of the Grand Theft Orchestra players Jherek Bischoff, Chad Raines, and Michael McQuilken is absolutely lovely. Oh! And when I heard the last name “Raines” I assumed that the invisible man procreated. Sorry darlin’. I bet you get that a lot. But… you’re Australian and I totally have a crazy girl boner for that fucking continent (Fuck… I’m sorry, Mom and Dad. I should have warned you earlier to not read this.)

 

Enough! Review time!

 

Favorite Tracks:

 

Want It Back – EVERY time I hear this song I assume that I’m about to hear song crazy techno remix of an already remixed J-Pop song, then it breaks to the piano and Amanda and grows to a song that (to me) is vaguely reminiscent at points of early R.E.M. and, for some strange reason, some of her syllabic extensions remind me of Tears for Fears and A-Ha.

 

Grown Man Cry – This song made me both laugh and realize that I have similar tendencies as “those girls” that is being referred to.

 

A Grand Theft Intermission – Honestly, the initial riff had me thinking of the Reigning Monarchs surf punk instrumentals. I loves me some Reigning Monarch. The intermission, however, felt like a matador and an operatic diva were battling to the death over a single rose. It is amazing the amount of imagery you can get from instrumentals.

 

The Bed Song – I should have actually heard this many months ago. My friend (Elfie) sent this to me, saying “OH EM GEE ALI LISTEN! DIS IS Y I CHIP IN TO MANDAPAHMR KICKSTARDER” (yes, I hear my friends as LOLCats, which as I think about it is probably an enormous insult.Elfie/Jackie is one of the most brilliant people I know). I, of course, went “that’s awesome” and didn’t listen (because I’m an asshole and forget to do things and was responding from my phone at work and didn’t have my headset). Last night, I listened to this song and cried for two hours. I didn’t mean to keep track of the time. I simply sent a message to a friend who I worried was going to end up this way including the lyrics and a youtube clip, so I have a time stamp from the moment I started panicking and crying. That is not a bad review in the least. I recognize that the experiences listed in the song are those that I do not want to experience, however, the song painted a picture so real it crippled me. THAT IS FUCKING ART, YO!

 

(OH! BTW!!!!! If someone can get me a copy of the Bed Song Book [as offered in the Kickstarter package], I will get an Amanda Palmer lyric tattooed in a half circle DIRECTLY under my breast if you send it to me [AND I WILL Instagram the shit out of it too]. Lyric is negotiable. I do get final say as it’s my flesh, but it will be an AFP lyric.)

 

Least Favorite Tracks:

 

If I were to pick something, it would be Smile (Pictures or It Didn’t Happen). While it is my least favorite of the moment, I am sure that listening to it over and over again it will endear itself to me. Amanda’s voice has a tendency of doing that. Her diction is crisp and her phrasing is deliberate.

 

Overall (1-5 stars): 5

 

Amanda Palmer and Kickstarter took my $5 and gave me an emotional rollercoaster that I am eager to ride over and over and over again.

 

OH! And because I couldn’t donate much but got the $5 Deluxe Digital Download version, I still got a bunch of art and videos and B-Sides, so neener-neener.

 

* I love yams like I love my mom

TV Show Pitches: Weed, Mischief, and Gary Busey

The Blazing Race:

Basically it’s The Amazing Race: Stoner Edition. Essentially, there are five sets of three person groups and they are given a bunch of pot that they MUST smoke. After the first one, they are blindfolded and then brought to random places. Ideally, they would have goals.

“Today, our stoners are in a theme park. They must ride all of the rides, get a joint from a person at the end of each one, and smoke it before moving on to the next one. They also need to find their way out of the park before closing. What they didn’t know was that all of the ‘You Are Here’ stickers were removed and placed incorrectly on the maps.”

“Today, our stoners are in the WORLD’S LARGEST CORN MAZE! They have to find four clam bake tents and take a multiple choice test as celebrity stoners bake up. When they complete the test, they have a card that must be stamped with the letter stamp at each tent and spell out ‘MAZE’ before trying to get out of the labyrinth.”

 

I have about ten friends I want to do this with. I don’t smoke, so I’d be the host.

 

 

Supermarket Sweep: Hyperreality show

I want to wear a blue sweatshirt with the number 1 on it with a friend matching, and have two more pairs of friends in the red twos and the yellow threes. Then we go into an unsuspecting supermarket and we start the clock.

I would love to do this, but I also do not want to be arrested.

 

 

Gary Busey: Time Traveler
Think Doctor Who with no script. Also, I think Gary Busey thinks he has the ability of time travel anyway, so I could just be his copilot saying “Yeah, we’re totally in Russia in the 1870s. Let’s bring Rasputin’s parents a Diaper Genie.”

Things you should know if you are to be the father of my illegitimate child.

Hello potential mate.

Here’s the thing. I know that things have probably occurred that neither you nor I were prepared for, but the fact of the matter is I am knocked up (as I’m writing this in advance, I am not pregnant nor is there any possibility of that happening so my BAC has nothing to do with how I would be in this future).

Dependant upon your possible reaction of said “surprise”, I will lay things out on the line.

1. I have every intention of seeing this to fruition. Your involvement is solely dependant upon two factors – Your decision to be involved and my decision to let you be involved. No, I will not hide the fact that I am incubating from you seeing as I’m not that kind of person. I tend to enjoy the journey and this was something that I wasn’t aware I was capable of.
Yes, women can act as an incubator for new life, but I was told at an early age that I could not. I am neither for nor against abortion as it is not a decision that I can make for anyone else. I do know that the moment I was told that I couldn’t have kids that I absolutely wanted one. Perhaps it was a “fuck you” to the gynecologist that told me that I couldn’t share my genetic makeup. I tend to be the sort that knows that even though I have some issues in my life, I want to pass on my DNA and not just by leaving strands of hair in weird places. One of my guy friends got in a mess of trouble when my hair was bright red and it was found in a place that I had not traveled.

2. If you choose to be involved, please know that your volume of involvement is inversely related to my ability to stomach your personality. I’m sure you are loved by many and at one time or another we got along (as evidence by the predicament that we are currently in), but I have spent the majority of my life alone. I am fully aware of the problems that arise from my sense of independance. I have not been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year.

3. Although I don’t think that I am unmarriable, I am incredibly concerned with the divorce rate of couples my age and those birthdates under mine.0 My parents have been married for over thirty years. They knew that nothing worth having came easily. If you have spent your life toiling to be in the job that you want, why would you think that it would be any different for the marriage you were to have? So, I cannot voice my opinion on the idea of being married, nor can I voice my opinion on the idea of having a child out of wedlock. The fact of the matter is that I have yet to be in either situation so anything that I can hypothesize would be strictly limited to my life lessons in each category. As I have none, I am apt to shut my fucking mouth.

4. I tend to forget things. For example: I made a terrible mistake in a relationship of forgetting someone I was dating for over two weeks. It is not something I am proud of, but it does explain my mindset. Time is relative. The relativity of time is determined by many things – my ability to stomach the personality of another person (I just realized how I am making myself seem more like a self-involved bitch than I actually am), the proximity I have with the person involved, and the meshing of ideals.

4. Mommy likes the sauce. Yes, I am writing this whilst intoxicated, but be assured that it is not as common an occurance as my blog would indicate. The majority of my time is spent in sobriety, so I figure a 9+ month gestational period would be a drop in the bucket. Yes, I would miss alcohol. Whilst imbibing I find the break in the barrier. I tend to build walls so high that no one is able to scale or break through them. I can promise you, however, that the moment I am aware of a being inside my body that will eventually form its own cogniscence that I will be the healthiest person I have ever been. I am fully aware of my shortcomings, but I will not be responsible for creating those in others. After birth and growth of said child, however, I believe that my thirst for the muddle juice would return. Alcohol tends to be a release for me and a release is something that is considered few and far in between.

5. I actually want children. Or child. It’s hard to determine the lineage I intend to lay forth as I cannot actually think about something so constricting as marriage. I think that were I to find someone that I really am attracted to and find value in their virtues that has the possibility of changing, but as I am pushing 30 (oh fuck… I am three years from thirty) I have become set in my ways.

Here are a list of things I do that I acknowledge are probably the wrong things to do.
– I react emotionally to any movie that I watch. If something is happy, I laugh. If something is sad, I weep. If someone in a fictional account succeeds in an area that I could only dream of succeeding in, I will cry. Not because I am happy for them. Simply because I am heartbroken that it didn’t happen to me. will I blame it on the child? No. I recognize that I have prevented myself rom approaching certain goals.
– I don’t react well to being caught off guard. If I am not prepared for a conversation, not only will you be privvy to how I really feel, you will see how agitated I can become over not being able to handle both the situation and my emotions. The only shining light that I can add to this inability to handle conflict is that when I am given a good 24-28 hours of time to reflect on the situation, I tend to be a lot more reasonable. My child will definitely be able to handle something like that as I have no desire to keep them from the tumultous ebb and flow of emotion.

I know that laying all of this out has probably inadvertently cut off the volume of your sperm, but it seems only fair that I clue you in to the amount of thought I have actually put in to the idea of having a child.

I would really like one, but I am not about to run through the sex gamut until that happens. I don’t want to have my child be the one that runs into walls with a bucket on their head.

Well yes, I could make myself dinner, but this bottle of red ain’t gonna drink itself. AKA: Stuff I Have Done Instead of Writing Here

Just Call Me "Princess Steampunk"

 

Here is it, y’all! Another installment of Procrastination and that which results from it!

1. I am officially plugged in!

Wendy Shepherd approached me last month asking if I’d liked to be Officially Plugged In. To be honest, I thought perhaps she had sent the email to the wrong person. Although I think I’m a lot more famous in my brain, I just checked out the traffic flow to my website and it’s not that fucking bad. So.. Yes… I’m OPI! Thank you so much, Wendy!

2. I AM IN A FUCKING MONTAGE!

The actual video is produced by one of my friends (Matt Newcomb. He made the montage. It makes me so happy that I can tick off “be in a fucking montage” from my bucket list.) The song is by the group Hello Ninja. They are cudorable.

3. I wrote about Nerd Rap – Nerdcore and ChapHop, represent!

In which I speak about my love for the rhapsody of rhyming about the nerdstuffs. Put a dude with an English accent in a pair of pantaloons and I call that “the American Panty dropper”

Being a muse is great inspiration to be your own muse. (drunken recorded post)

So I was tickled by this lovely message that I got via the facebooks yesterday. I have truncated it so as to not broadcast everything, but I hope it puts everything into perspective.

“Then I got into a conversation with Ali about my future aspirations and I told her I was nervous about taking steps toward it. She looked me dead in the eye and told me to do it, that I could do anything. When I got home on Sunday, I applied to Graduate School.. and I just found out I got in.”

Let me share a little bit about the human perspective, and I will preface this by stating that I’m still not sure that any of you exist. Perhaps this is my own version of Suckerpunch, less the uniform wearing zombie killers.

Lets face it. For many life can be disappointing. It is not often something that you can directly correlate with a specific event in life. It seems to be an amalgamation of tiny doubts that forms like Voltron as a self hate robot.

For many years I have been my biggest critic. I have always headed into a project with the mindset that no one is going to judge me harsher than I judge myself. Perhaps it is the thought that the only real opinion that matters is my own, but even I have to disagree with my former standpoint.

For the most part, many of the things you do are dictated by how someone else will react to it.

I know that I constant harp on the fact that I was once overweight (and probably by societies standards I still am), but I have found a moment of nirvana. A section of life that was pure tranquility and inspiration. I like to now refer to this as my “fuck it” list.

There are people that live day by day with the hope that one day they will be able to approach the destiny that they feel they are entitled to.

Let’s just cut the bullshit right now, internet. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO WORK FOR.

Saying “I am going to be a big singer, songwriter, playright, television personality” and following it up with a cavernous list of “IF”s… You have destined yourself for nothingness.

Everyone is terrified. I hate to be one to point it out, but EVERYONE is terrified. The idea of doing something that you love, putting it out there and having someone shit on it pretty much squashes the destination for most. Those that take that shit, use it as fertilizer and grow something… Those are the pioneers.

I have found (and please correct me if I’m wrong) that if you love something so much and think other people will like it… They will.

Letting someone pass judgment on your life is the lazy way out. You inevitably live a half-life. I have spent a life in the shadow of others, and for the most part I believe that it was self-imposed.

I have to tell you that it is liberating to realize that I want to do something for the sake of doing something. I do not know if there is financial gain from the project I am working on. I know that I love it enough to think that someone else in the world will like it too.

I’m sure people are thinking “this bitch is so self-involved and thinks she’s better than she is”.

First off – No. I don’t. I have spent years working through a crippling sense of self doubt. I could post the old diary entires where all I did was talk about how I wished I could change my lot in life. As much as this is very revealing, I have tried to kill myself on multiple occasions. I do not bring that up to bring you down. I am simply stating that life has affected me.

Secondly – Fuck you.

Living your life in the shadow of the world is no true way to live. I wholeheartedly believe that the majority of humanity has hidden their brilliance under the proverbial bushel and it has resulted in a generation of disaffected youth.

I work a job that eats away at my soul. I think many people feel the same way.

I live in a town/city/climate that is not conducive to keeping me happy. I have been terrified of leaving because I have such a phenomenal set of parents that try their damnedest to be supportive, even if they think I’m making the worst decision in the world.

I have family where I live and that seems to be the greatest deterrent keeping me from approaching my own way. Why make the leap and end up in a pond on your own when the lake that you currently reside in not only is full of fish you know, but also offers you free food and assistance in catching the flavor you favor?

It has taken 27 years for me to realize that this is not where I am meant to be. I had a reveal moment this weekend where I voiced that I didn’t know where I belonged, but I was positive that it wasn’t here.

Taking the leap is scary. I haven’t actually even taken the leap. I am simply focusing my balance to jump.

A lot of people recently have sent me notes saying that they were inspired by me. that I cut through the bullshit and told them to get out of their own fucking way (my own words. I really like saying “fuck”. Sorry Mom and Dad). In turn, they are hopping up on a stage during an open mic night for comedy. They are traveling south to pursue their educational dreams. They are going back to school.

Seeing everyone take the steps to succeed has been a milestone for me. I think that watching people succeed or make the steps to do so has in a sense inspired me. But, is it them or is it me?

I know this has been a long post, and I fully applaud those reading through it, but I don’t know your answer. It is probably different than mine.

But the fact of the matter is that I have had enough of remaining outside of the limelight. It is my time to shine.

Come June 13th, you will see. I would love for you to enjoy it.

Play

Commodore 64 – Growing Up Nerdy

I'm tearing up a little. This reminds me of my youth.

I’m sure the majority of the people that follow me consider me to be an alcoholic. I assure that is not the case. I haven’t gotten to the point where I need to be drunk to be at work so I’m pretty high up in the dyfunctional bell curve.

I find that as I’m intoxicated, I ask people for suggestions on things to write about. Granted, my impressions of TV nowadays would probably be a thrilling read (as I have plenty of opinions on the matter), but I will write that later when I have more to go by.

Instead, this post is going to focus on a memory of my first intro to technology.

At the very young age of… crap… I don’t remember how old I was but that hardly matters when the memories that I have are so crisp.

When I was little, my father purchased something very new called a “computer”. More specifically, he purchased a “computer” called the Commodore 64. This is going to get a bit descriptive so as to educate the kids out there.

The Commodore 64 had very little in the way of hard drive space and memory. In fact, you couldn’t play a game unless you spent the hours it took to download the predecessor to the video games of today from 13-20 floppy disks and a game was nothing more than blurry blocks somewhat resembling something else.

What is a floppy disk, you ask?

I am trying to think of something to equate it to. I’ll try to describe it as my memory of it is from my youth. A floppy disk for a Commodore 64 was a square piece of reenforced paper. In the center of the square was a metal disk. Inside the paper was something that resembled a thick plastic cover you would find on a DVD, but it held the color of deep chocolate or fading black. This plastic piece was cut in the shape of the circle. The metal in the middle acted as a stationary object that would allow the circle to rotate.

It didn’t hold a lot of space, but it was an enormous package that you would purchase to introduce new material into your computer. The original price of the Commodore 64 in 1981 was around $600 and took up a large amount of space.

I remember the floating green bar, the DOS prompt, and learning that in order to get to the thing I wanted I needed to know exactly where it was instead of just clicking on a desktop icon. For the Commodore 64 there was no desktop, simply a DOS startup screen.

I remember a few games from it as well.

My favorites were “the Barbie Game” where you needed to go to a shop and buy the perfect outfit for your date with Ken. Here’s a clip showing a little bit of what you would have to do.

Unfortunately, Ken was a dickwad during every game and after you had found the perfect outfit, he switched plans on you and you had to go elsewhere and get a new outfit. If you didn’t do it on time, you didn’t get to go on the perfect date.

Caveman Ugglympics was a game where you would participate in olympic events but with a caveman twist. My favorite memories were of the wife toss. It makes me less than a feminist, but I still laugh hysterically while thinking about it. Check out the opening credits.

Alice in Wonderland was a game that I completely enjoyed. I hate that I can’t find an immediate video for Alice in Wonderland, but here are the pixels (starting around 1:35) even though it sucks that someone is casting over it, but these were the games I grew up with.

My last game of love was a game that I would play every weekend with my father. It was not truly a game in it’s essence. It was a game that would play the midi files and provide you with the lyrics to the music. Sadly, I cannot find it on the youtubes, but it is and will remain one of my fondest memories with my dad. Our favorites in the midi database were “Walk Like an Egyptian” by the Bangles and “Rainbow Connection” from the Muppets.

Although this was an off the cuff blog entry, I have to say that reminiscing about this brings up such intense feelings. My father knew that the computer was going to become a mainstream thing. He might not have known how influential it would have been. I doubt he could have imagined the idea of the internet in the early stages of his adaptation to electronics, but he knew that the future lied in the intelligence of… well… us…

I won’t tell you what our actual first video game console was (as that would probably make for another hysterical blog post), but I knew that my father had true faith in something as green as the flickering cursor bar on a DOS screen.

I know it’s not Father’s Day, but… I love you Dad. Thanks for encouraging me to embrace my inner nerd.

If anyone can point me to an emulator that won’t fry my computer, I would be eternally grateful to revisit these games.

Dropkicking the Moon: With Tyrone Gone, Ain’t Nothing But Happy in My Future (drunk post)

This hat means two things - drinking and thinking

Have you ever had an idea that was so epic in your brain that you thought “I MUST TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT” and then immediately thought that someone would take advantage and use it to their own benefit?

Yes. That is why I am so cloak and dagger right now about my upcoming project.

Here’s the thing (and I find that I say that phrase a lot as my BAC rises)… I am so friggin excited about the prospect of this concept that I am chomping at the bit to tell people. As it is, I have only told three people and it is driving me close to the brink of insanity that I haven’t widened the pool.

Yes, I have a blog. Yes, I broadcast a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t. We are of the age where information is instantaneous. For example: I never would have known about the miscommunication between Lady Gaga and Weird Al were it not for Twitter. (They’re cool now. HRC is getting some dough. Thank goodness.)

As it is, I find it increasingly difficult to bite my tongue when it comes to certain things because I have a platform and a band of ready readers (hi guys! I love you! I am also drunk which doesn’t discount this fact.) What I CAN tell you, however, is that I have purchased another domain name, have contacted a select few, and have such plans of planningness.

Very rarely do I have a feeling that something is going to be EPIC. I have had it a rare amount of times in the last few years. The first time was the night that the Boondock Betties first birthday video message was released. Another was when I met someone, heard of what they wanted to do and SAW success in his future. I do not consider myself to be omniscent. I am far too logical for that.

Actually? I was given the best advice from someone that I have ever had in my life and I recently applied it in an inspiring message to someone I don’t actually know. Read on!

“Hi! I know this isn’t your main email address, but I don’t have it and that’s probably a good thing because I am sending you an email. I’d blame it on the medication, but today is the first time I haven’t had to medicate (bad tooth juju) and I feel energized enough to DROPKICK THE MOON! (I was not drunk at the time but I am right now and this seems like sharing times)

At some point I think I read that you were interested in doing [something] but were afraid that it would HAVE to be [in a specific genre] for anyone to accept it from you.

Let me give you a bit of advice that my friend Casey gave me once – Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not a bee… Stick with me.

A little bit of backstory. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight within the last year and I wanted to dress up for Halloween. I was EXCITED to dress up for Halloween. I decided that I wanted to be the bee from the Blind Melon “No Rain” video. Like all of my great ideas, there was no time to execute this option. So I wasn’t going as anything last year. My friend Casey told me “So tell them you’re the Blind Melon bee.” I whined that no one would get it as I didn’t have the clothing to pull it off. That was when she dropped some wisdom on me with the words “Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not a bee.”

I know that might be the weirdest story ever, but it’s been an oddly uplifting sentence that I have been living by ever since. Sometimes in life, I feel like I am constantly being put in a stereotype. As much as I enjoy a lot of things in the stereotype, I don’t like the idea that I am letting someone elses impressions handcuff me into the person that they think I am. I am unique, damnit! … Just like everyone else.

Make [what] YOU want to make. If this is your passion project, make it YOURS. People will love it regardless. The upside is that you might grab the attention of people that haven’t met you yet. It’s reaching the masses, but a different section of the Venn diagram. Widen the intersection.

I don’t know you, nor do I think we’re best friends. I’m not that type of person. As it is, I feel like a total squeed out fangirl (EVEN THAT WORD MAKES ME CRINGE) for sending you multiple emails.

Just be the bee that you are.

Alright, I’m out!”

*Name and subject removed as it’s probably not been read yet. Also, if someone has found instructions for making this costume, please send it to cranialspasm@gmail.com ASAP as I think October is going to be Bee Season.

I’ve been ridiculously supportive as of late and I blame that on Tyrone liberating himself from my jaw (most expensive, yet best decision ever – did I mention I have paypal?)

It’s strange how you get this trembling at the pit of your soul that something is going to come to fruition and when it actually DOES happen you feel like a fucking GOD… I think that is how meterologists feel when they get the weather right. Oh… it snowed? ORGASM!

There is this gnawing gremlin at the pit of my soul. Yes, I’m sure this blog sounds very ego driven and I am getting to the point of tantric teasing that if no one finishes soon they are going to be pissed off but… I CAN’T HELP IT!

What I CAN tell you is that though I have given myself a deadline, this endeavor is not going to be a one shot deal. I am giving myself ample time to complete the first task and have decided just now after half a bottle of wine that my deadline is June 13 (my birthday). While I do not actually see it being the cash cow to solve my financial woes, it is a passion project. But if funding comes… I will be so happy.

Even still, have you ever had something that you believed so whole heartedly in that you didn’t care if there was actual monetary gain to be given? I have been looking for this. As a writer, I have this desire to appeal to masses on an exaggerated scale and though I know that my expections will often be undershot there is STILL the desire to get this demon exorcised.

Okay I need to stop writing. I need to go for a walk.

By the way, when I have been drinking, I am not above asking you to click that donation button on the right hand column. Turtle times is hard, yo.

Things I Have Done Recently That I Have Forgotten to Plug

I forgot to update you all because there is a tornado of awesome spouting from my veins!

I’ve never actually done this before, but I figure letting you guys know that I’m not just sitting on a domain name (how would I even physically manage that) and am not motivated… Well.. Here’s some stuff I have done recently.

1. Ascended Masters – A Kickstarter Project
This one I feel like an assface for not cross promoting because it’s girls kicking ass and saving the world ON FILM! It’s like Suckerpunch, but with a plot (BAZINGA! I’m kidding. I actually enjoyed Suckerpunch or as I call it “Android Rocket Train to Saturn”). The reason I’m so peeved about not mentioning it here is that their fundraising time ends in like 2 days.

2. Here’s a little ditty, ’bout fighting the dead
I was approached by MovieVine to write about the Walking Dead and was super stoked to do it and asked what they wanted me to write. THEY GAVE ME FREE REIGN. What resulted? Well… Something I’d write.

3. Oh yeah… I make videos with my mom
Bear with me. My mother is one of the funniest people the world has never met. Also, she thinks she’s super famous. She and I have that in common. The link is to a review of the Top Ten iTunes one week. It would be super for people to subscribe to my YouTube channel as it does wonders for the ego.

4. I’m in videos with OTHER PEOPLE! Here’s one! Here’s another where I’m all drunken blinky-eyed. (Oh and thank you to Leah for letting me stay over her house. I would’ve died driving home. 

5. Okay I wasn’t involved in this at all, but I feel the need to squee a little. I was mentioned in Nerdist Podcast #78: Large Puppy and here’s why.

Some people have moments of drunken enthusiasm. I have moments of drunken creativity (HAVEN’T YOU BEEN READING MY STUFF??)

Also I have decided that I’m going to start sending random people inspiring emails based on random things. Today was pretty awesome. Hopefully it reaches whoever got it. The internet is a silly tubey place.

Goodnight internets. May you sprout wings and float above me as I sleep, reciting the manfesto for robo-God. I hope he’s part pony.

Drunk on a Tuesday

I have been inspired as of late. I also like writing things.
Okay so a few minutes ago I posted a status up on Twitter admitting that I was drunk on a Tuesday and considering writing a blog post. I asked what I should write about.

No one really helped. I had a few really funny replies and a few people wanted me to write about them. I was looking for a broader subject like “Things that shouldn’t be taxidermied” or “If you had a choice between making a bunch of money and doing something you loved which would you chose?”

None of the replies really brought me insight into the essence of humanity, unless humanity is meant to be narcissistic.

So I’m going to talk about narcissism. Because I really like that word. Personally, I’m not narcissistic, I’m just really pretty.

I think that the ability to discern true attractiveness varies from person to person. That is what makes humanity so great. It’s like having some dude that is missing an eye. Not everyone is attracted to an ocular cavity, but I think there has to be someone that is.

Is it weird that I still have the hope that everyone has at least a dozen people they are compatible with? I don’t know. I find that I’m attracted to those that I really don’t have a chance with. It’s not that I’m not attractive. As I have said, I am attractive to me. I think that a part of me looks for someone that cannot be invested in me. It’s a lot simpler than finding someone that would be invested in me.

I tend to forget about romantic relationships. I feel kind of bad that in previous relationships I have not been as invested as I should be. I think that a part of me cut out when I realized that there was no hope in getting some of my life goals completed. There were other issues, definitely… But here is what I’d eventually like.

I want to have a child someday. It’s not that I want to pass on my last name or my DNA. Let’s face it, diabetes and lung cancer are probably not genetical traits that are appreciated when inherited.

I cannot put my finger on why I want to have a child. I’m young at heart and I fully enjoy that I can do what I want when I want it. Even though there seems to be some sort of encouragement in my heritage to poop out a child, I think it would be great to have a half version of me that I can give advice to.

If I were to give advice as a legacy, I might give these nuggets of wisdom.
1. If you miss someone, it is okay to cry. Not only does it honor the memory, it is a great release of endorphins.
2. Don’t let gender limit you. If you find someone that you love and that loves you back, don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong.
3. People spend their entire lives searching for their own brand of Hollywood romance. It DOESN’T EXIST. Instead, understand that romance is all in the eye of the beholder. If someone brings you lunch when you’re working because they knew you forgot food and wanted to spend some time with you that is so much more powerful than a prince telling you that he wants his servants to take the finest care of you.
4. No matter how cool you think you are, it is always humbling to assume that there is someone cooler than you. I’m not trying to create a complex in this person. I mean that if you believe you are of the highest echelon, you expect a lot more.
5. No success is a success until you have a failure to compare it to. There are a lot of times in life that you are going to be told you cannot do something, or that your passion is not quite what someone is looking for. With the volume of beating hearts on the planet, one can assume that there is at least one other person that appreciates the efforts that you have made.
6. I don’t think that you can truly appreciate happiness until you’ve experienced sadness. I believe that the human mind is built to compare the life lessons that you have learned. If you haven’t learned anything… well, you probably have a Chihuahua in a designer bag. Life is all about surpassing the struggle.

Wow. Deep thoughts from drunkenness. You’re welcome internet.