So I was tickled by this lovely message that I got via the facebooks yesterday. I have truncated it so as to not broadcast everything, but I hope it puts everything into perspective.
“Then I got into a conversation with Ali about my future aspirations and I told her I was nervous about taking steps toward it. She looked me dead in the eye and told me to do it, that I could do anything. When I got home on Sunday, I applied to Graduate School.. and I just found out I got in.”
Let me share a little bit about the human perspective, and I will preface this by stating that I’m still not sure that any of you exist. Perhaps this is my own version of Suckerpunch, less the uniform wearing zombie killers.
Lets face it. For many life can be disappointing. It is not often something that you can directly correlate with a specific event in life. It seems to be an amalgamation of tiny doubts that forms like Voltron as a self hate robot.
For many years I have been my biggest critic. I have always headed into a project with the mindset that no one is going to judge me harsher than I judge myself. Perhaps it is the thought that the only real opinion that matters is my own, but even I have to disagree with my former standpoint.
For the most part, many of the things you do are dictated by how someone else will react to it.
I know that I constant harp on the fact that I was once overweight (and probably by societies standards I still am), but I have found a moment of nirvana. A section of life that was pure tranquility and inspiration. I like to now refer to this as my “fuck it” list.
There are people that live day by day with the hope that one day they will be able to approach the destiny that they feel they are entitled to.
Let’s just cut the bullshit right now, internet. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO WORK FOR.
Saying “I am going to be a big singer, songwriter, playright, television personality” and following it up with a cavernous list of “IF”s… You have destined yourself for nothingness.
Everyone is terrified. I hate to be one to point it out, but EVERYONE is terrified. The idea of doing something that you love, putting it out there and having someone shit on it pretty much squashes the destination for most. Those that take that shit, use it as fertilizer and grow something… Those are the pioneers.
I have found (and please correct me if I’m wrong) that if you love something so much and think other people will like it… They will.
Letting someone pass judgment on your life is the lazy way out. You inevitably live a half-life. I have spent a life in the shadow of others, and for the most part I believe that it was self-imposed.
I have to tell you that it is liberating to realize that I want to do something for the sake of doing something. I do not know if there is financial gain from the project I am working on. I know that I love it enough to think that someone else in the world will like it too.
I’m sure people are thinking “this bitch is so self-involved and thinks she’s better than she is”.
First off – No. I don’t. I have spent years working through a crippling sense of self doubt. I could post the old diary entires where all I did was talk about how I wished I could change my lot in life. As much as this is very revealing, I have tried to kill myself on multiple occasions. I do not bring that up to bring you down. I am simply stating that life has affected me.
Secondly – Fuck you.
Living your life in the shadow of the world is no true way to live. I wholeheartedly believe that the majority of humanity has hidden their brilliance under the proverbial bushel and it has resulted in a generation of disaffected youth.
I work a job that eats away at my soul. I think many people feel the same way.
I live in a town/city/climate that is not conducive to keeping me happy. I have been terrified of leaving because I have such a phenomenal set of parents that try their damnedest to be supportive, even if they think I’m making the worst decision in the world.
I have family where I live and that seems to be the greatest deterrent keeping me from approaching my own way. Why make the leap and end up in a pond on your own when the lake that you currently reside in not only is full of fish you know, but also offers you free food and assistance in catching the flavor you favor?
It has taken 27 years for me to realize that this is not where I am meant to be. I had a reveal moment this weekend where I voiced that I didn’t know where I belonged, but I was positive that it wasn’t here.
Taking the leap is scary. I haven’t actually even taken the leap. I am simply focusing my balance to jump.
A lot of people recently have sent me notes saying that they were inspired by me. that I cut through the bullshit and told them to get out of their own fucking way (my own words. I really like saying “fuck”. Sorry Mom and Dad). In turn, they are hopping up on a stage during an open mic night for comedy. They are traveling south to pursue their educational dreams. They are going back to school.
Seeing everyone take the steps to succeed has been a milestone for me. I think that watching people succeed or make the steps to do so has in a sense inspired me. But, is it them or is it me?
I know this has been a long post, and I fully applaud those reading through it, but I don’t know your answer. It is probably different than mine.
But the fact of the matter is that I have had enough of remaining outside of the limelight. It is my time to shine.
Come June 13th, you will see. I would love for you to enjoy it.
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