Update on things

As I am gearing towards a visit to CT, I realized that I have been ridiculously neglectful to my bestest of the bestiebots. We used to chat all the time for Whiskey on Sunday, but that hasn’t happened in a very long time. I think we both forgot that we COULD keep talking even though our schedules weren’t lining up to talk. I have a tendency of just assuming that people don’t want to hear from me. Seeing a bunch of people making time for me when I’m visiting my hometown makes me realize that I HAVE been missed. I feel really stupid for not making efforts. General facebook updates AREN’T being a good friend.

Anyways, here’s an email thread between the two of us that made me laugh. Hopefully it makes you laugh too.

Ali: I am really happy that I get to see a bunch of people at a time. It sucks that I can’t get one on one time with anyone really for such a short trip, but hopefully it staggers enough to be okay.
Seth: Next trip, don’t tell anyone you are coming. We’ll pick you up and you can stay in our new house. Just tweet fake updates from Chicago or someplace.
Ali: I’m not complaining as it allows me to see people I miss, but I’m going to hug you hardest.
Seth: It makes sense. I’m the squishiest.
Ali: No you’re not. The baby is. Especially that soft spot on the noggin I’ve been eyeing.
Seth: No head-hugging the baby!
Ali: Already with the rules!
Seth: Always gotta have rules.
Ali: Yeah… I’m fully aware of that. Guidelines are good.
Seth: Also, no eyeball licking.
Ali: ARE THERE GOING TO BE NO SURPRISES WHEN I MEET YOUR MINI-HUMAN?!?!?

20130821-123355.jpg

This is why Seth and I are friends.

Ali: Here are a few pictures of me with fire 🙂
Seth: Beautiful!
Ali: Rick was like “you look so scared” and I was all “I WAS!”
Seth: You look gorgeous in the third picture.
Ali: That was the one he said I was terrified in.
Seth: Frightened women are the prettiest. Said every dangerous drifter ever.
Ali: This is why I murder hobos.
Seth: Not murder. Pre-emptive vengeance.
Ali: I have missed you terribly.
3/7/13

They should really not let me in a chat room with customer service.

I’m pretty happy I didn’t say “I really hope that seasonal employee drowns in a fire”. Baby steps. I’ll take ’em.

 

You are now connected to Sanjay from Amazon.com.

Me: Hello, I have been trying to remedy this ridiculously inept delivery by UPS, but they have been nothing but problematic.
They told me that this package was delivered at 3:00 on 12/24 to my neighbor, when ON THE LABEL it says “Deliver to Leasing Office”. They have continued to give me the runaround saying that they would attempt to retrieve it and I have yet to hear back from anyone. I would like a replacement immediately and I would like UPS to be charged for it due to their gross incompetence.

Sanjay: Hello, my name is Sanjay. I’ll be happy to help you today.

Me: Fantastic

Sanjay: I apologize for the inconvenience. Can I have your order number, please?

Me: [omitted]

Sanjay: Thank you
Once again I am sorry for the trouble you had

Me: Oh it is most definitely not your fault, Sanjay.

Sanjay: Thank you Alison

Me: It is due to the gross incompetence of someone that apparently doesn’t read labels that works for UPS

Sanjay: Okay I understand
You have not received both the items right?

Me: Not I have not.

Sanjay: Alison, The best I can do here is can issue a full refund for these items and you can place a new order again.

Me: That is fine. Is there anyway to charge UPS for the refund? Because I would really like them to be punished.

Sanjay: As the items are third party product, It directly unable us to do any further changes

Me: A refund is better than nothing at all.

Sanjay: Thank you Alison thanks for understanding

Me: This is the second time they have “delivered” something to me and it has mysteriously walked away.

Sanjay: I am issuing refund right away

Me: Thank you very much.

Sanjay: Please allow me a minute while I process a full refund for you

Me: I apologize for being so caustic. I think, under better circumstances, we could have been friends.

Sanjay: Thank you for your warm words Alison

Me: You are very welcome, Sanjay.

Sanjay: I have successfully issued a full refund for the missing items
You will receive a confirmation email of refund right after this chat.
Is there anything else I can do for you today?

Me: Thank you very much. I can only hope that justice comes to the UPS man in the form of a herniated disc.
No, I’m all set. Thank you for being so helpful!

Sanjay: My pleasure assisting you today

Batman Was Probably a Shitty Kid

Dear Batman,
Share the wealth. I know that you’ve probably run out of room on your walls for your plaques for generous contributions to random charities. That’s great. You’re handing out money, but look at what you actually have. For now, I’m going to not even include the visible part of Wayne Manor. Let’s talk about the Batcave and the inventions therein.

You have all of these really cool computer programs (how did you manage that by the way?) and quality equipment that would make local law enforcement more efficient. Do you know how crazy it is to get DNA results that quickly? When you test blood and urine it takes HOURS. Your computer goes *BleepBloop* and there you go. It’s Harleen Quinzel. (Tangent – What is wrong with Gotham water? Does everyone with a doctorate go insane?)

You have all of these fantastic toys – the batmobile, batarang, shark repellant. Why don’t you share that last one with surfers? YOU COULD SAVE LIVES, BRO! Think of how many leaps in science can be made if you just shared your toys.

I bet you were a really shitty kid.

Sincerely,
Ali

P.S. Sorry about your parents.

 

(I wrote this awhile ago and found it in my drafts and it made me laugh. It was first drafted on 8/31/11.)

Jay-Z, Mauve, and Dementia

SETH: Ugh. I can’t wait until I am super wealthy and start flipping off people as a hobby.
ALI: I’m saving that for dementia.
SETH: Elderly Ali will be wearing a giant squirrel costume while dancing in the Safeway parking lot and shouting “MY FAVORITE COLOR IS MAUVE, DICKWEEDS!”
ALI: ACCURATE.
SETH: Including mauve?
ALI: Nope. Green is my favorite color.
SETH: All my favorite ladies love the green. (That may have been a Jay-Z lyric.)
ALI: You know a lot of Jay Z for someone that doesn’t like Jay Z.
SETH: Van Helsing knows a lot about vampires…
ALI: Not really. He just knows that a stick will kill them.
SETH: A stick will hurt Jay-Z as well.

I don’t know what the point of sharing this conversation is. I think it’s to show you that Seth thinks I’m going to be AWESOME when I have dementia.

TV Show Pitches: Weed, Mischief, and Gary Busey

The Blazing Race:

Basically it’s The Amazing Race: Stoner Edition. Essentially, there are five sets of three person groups and they are given a bunch of pot that they MUST smoke. After the first one, they are blindfolded and then brought to random places. Ideally, they would have goals.

“Today, our stoners are in a theme park. They must ride all of the rides, get a joint from a person at the end of each one, and smoke it before moving on to the next one. They also need to find their way out of the park before closing. What they didn’t know was that all of the ‘You Are Here’ stickers were removed and placed incorrectly on the maps.”

“Today, our stoners are in the WORLD’S LARGEST CORN MAZE! They have to find four clam bake tents and take a multiple choice test as celebrity stoners bake up. When they complete the test, they have a card that must be stamped with the letter stamp at each tent and spell out ‘MAZE’ before trying to get out of the labyrinth.”

 

I have about ten friends I want to do this with. I don’t smoke, so I’d be the host.

 

 

Supermarket Sweep: Hyperreality show

I want to wear a blue sweatshirt with the number 1 on it with a friend matching, and have two more pairs of friends in the red twos and the yellow threes. Then we go into an unsuspecting supermarket and we start the clock.

I would love to do this, but I also do not want to be arrested.

 

 

Gary Busey: Time Traveler
Think Doctor Who with no script. Also, I think Gary Busey thinks he has the ability of time travel anyway, so I could just be his copilot saying “Yeah, we’re totally in Russia in the 1870s. Let’s bring Rasputin’s parents a Diaper Genie.”

Is diesel just concentrated gasoline?

Occasionally I email myself things in the morning. They range from incoherent babbles when I am half asleep to one liners that make me laugh. This morning I got into work and opened my email and had the following message from myself.

“Diesel is just gasoline syrup, right?”

This morning I was so tired at the gas station. Waking up is always strange for me, and anyone that has slept in the same room as me can attest that I am both entertaining and make weird noises. Last night I had a dream that I woke up at work and someone was doing my job. They started yelling at me for falling asleep on the job and I was very confused as I was lying in an ornate mahogany bed with a lush red brocade duvet on me.

Anyways, I almost pumped diesel into my hybrid this morning. I had slid in my credit card and had put the nozzle into my gas tank before I realized it was green. I didn’t put any in, because I didn’t know what it would do. Initially I thought “Diesel is just more syrupy, so if I filled the car ¾ of the way and then add a bunch of water I would actually save money in the process.

I don’t know how accurate that is, so my brain said no and then forced me to cancel that transaction and start a new one at the pump.

I wonder how many people have ever tried it.

Apparently when I’m tired I threaten to stab people.

Ali: I had one of the strangest dreams last night and when I woke up I was all… WTF? Basically it was a sex dream about [name omitted] (whom I have never thought of as more than a good acquaintance). I went to bed in the dream and he slid in beside me. We had a good night and then the following morning I find out that he was HAMMERED (He’s been sober for a decade plus) and as I’m furious with him I find out that he has sold me into slavery.
Seth: That’s a heck of a relapse. Drinking and slave trading
Ali: I know. I almost sent him a message telling him I was disappointed in him.
Seth: I have had women get angry with me for things I did in their dreams.
Ali: I was only really angry about the drinking. The sex was amazing, and I could handle the slave trading, but I was all “What the fuck are all these beer bottles doing all over the floor?!?!?!”
Seth: Actually, EVERY woman I have dated has gotten annoyed with me for things they dreamt I did. Never mind what I dream about, which I wisely keep to my self.
Ali: Of course that’s the ONLY reason women have ever gotten annoyed with you.
Seth: Not fair! I never even implied that.
Ali: I’m cranky and sleepy.
Seth: Do you need a nappy change too?
Ali: I’m going to stab you in the face.
Seth: If you even dream about stabbing me in the face, you better wake up and apologize. After you dream about calling 911 and getting me dream medical attention.
Ali: It’s not a dream.
Seth: You’re going to stab me for realizes? In my oh so pretty face?
Ali: Right now? Probably. I’m so friggin tired.
Seth: Ah-ha! Too tired for face-stabbing! Face-stabbing is a very strenuous activity.
Ali: Only if someone expects it.
Seth: Like if they were warned in repeated emails?
Ali: I have only now recognized my mistake.