Podcast Overload?

Earlier I did a search on the Internet asking the simple question “How many podcasts are there?” It then told me that a related search was “How many pokemon are there.” I could make a joke about catching them all, but that seems obvious.

However … There are so many friggin podcasts out there, how do you know which ones to listen to?

Podcasting, in essence, is a lot like a John Hughes movie. There are a multitude of categories, but often you overlook a really good opportunity because you judge the podcast by the stereotype you perceive. Joe Rogan’s a comedian, but maybe you balk from his podcast because you think he may be a total bro. Nerdist is three comedians, but maybe you shy away from it because you think that the entire content will be so… well… nerdy… you shy away from the Subscribe button. Neil Degrasse Tyson does Star Talk, and maybe you don’t listen to it because you worry he’ll talk science in a way you don’t understand.

Yep. I have about fourteen friends online that all have podcasts (maybe more). While I have listened to all of them, some of them I fail to return to. Instead I do my friendly duty of downloading the episode and let it sit.

It’s gotten to the point where I have ended up also doing that to podcasts that are popular. It’s not that I don’t want to hear them, it’s just that there are so many of them downloading into my computer on a weekly basis I fail to have the time to listen. After awhile I look at the podcast section of my iTunes and feel terrible. Little blue dots decorate the page and an unhelpful and anxiety-inducing grey circle with white numbers tells me that I am currently sitting on 1493 unlistened to podcasts.

While it’s not something that should worry me, it does. Because every podcast I subscribe to I have enjoyed at some point or another. Yes, there are episodes of each one that fail to keep my attention, but I know that I like the hosts enough to give it a change. Then I realize that many of the popular podcasts that I listen to have episodes dropping multiple times during the week.

There are days that I don’t even touch my computer at home. I’m busy editing things, or playing video games, or marathoning Twin Peaks on Netflix. But when I’m at work, I’m in an office where no one else is there to entertain me. A lot of my work is data entry, so it doesn’t require my full attention.

… as I reread this, I have realized that this was probably a shitty way to let you all know that I have a podcast and that there are some podcasts that you might not know…

Here are the podcasts that I have on my iPhone right now. (and since I’m writing them, I think I’ll pull these mini reviews and add to their iTunes rating). I cannot get a link to the iTunes pages (because my phone doesn’t like that and instead just pulls up the show).
Here’s how you subscribe:
1. Open iTunes
2. in the left navigational bar, click on the bar labeled “Store”
3. In the search bar on the top right, type in the name of the podcast and click the magnifying glass
4. Of the returned results, look for the podcast.
5. Under/Next to it there is the option to “Subscribe Free”
6. Click on that. Podcasts will download into the section of your iTunes Library (left navigational bar) that says… wait for it… PODCASTS.
7. Listen to it.
* This is all incredibly simple and once you get the hang of it, you’ll be searching for new podcasts.

A Pointless Endeavor – the first episode of a new podcast (that went live today) by my buddy Chris (Coleman. You know. That guy that flew to Boston for a Chris Hardwick show that left with several dozen new friends.) and two of his friends. I haven’t actually listened to it yet, but I’ve heard a few clips and they made me pee. And I feel happy when I pee. So… Feel happy. Pee. I mean… listen.
Website Link

Sketchy – a podcast with three of my friends that I made during the nerd weekend in Boston. I might be a guest in the not so distant future… Ryan, Matt and Rich tackle a different cartoon each week (be it a movie or a TV series). They watch it prior to recording and talk about it. One of my favorite episodes so far was the one where they spoke about “Rock-a-doodle” and adopted one of the most hysterical vocal inflections completely out of the blue.
Website Link

Ten Minute Podcast – Will Sasso, Chris D’Elia and Brian Callum get together and talk for ten minutes. It is amazing how funny ten minutes can actually be.
Website Link

TOFOP – Wil Anderson and Charlie Clausen chat about time travel, Batman, and prison rape… Two out of three ain’t bad. It’s always funny when one decides to act out scenarios (not prison rape) or when they crack each other up.
Website Link

Walking the Room – Dave Anthony and Greg Behrendt walk into a closet. Nope… Not a joke (although the dimensions of Greg’s closet rival that of a $1500/mo apartment in NYC). What then happens is good-natured filth. When I listen to the banter between them, I am reminded of the way my friends and I talk. There can always be something funny about the macabre, that dickhead at work, the neighbors that have intentionally loud sex… that and more is brought into the closet and it makes me so happy that every Monday I have it to listen to.
Website Link

Aaaaaand finally… Well… I have a podcast now. The second episode went up today. I have started a podcast called “Memoirs of a Gamer”. It may sound misleading, but it is not just about video games and tabletop roleplaying games. As of right now I have seven episodes total (5 scheduled for the next five Mondays) and they cover the following topics – Volleyball, Apples to Apples, Red Dead Redemption, Drinking Games, and D&D (specifically about a character someone has played and his experience also as a Dungeon Master)
Because I actually emailed the link to myself, the iTunes link is http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/memoirs-of-a-gamer/id510427325
Here’s the Website Link

Unfortunately, because I’m saving money for my move this summer, I can’t actually afford a logo for it. There WILL be one, but I just need some money first (and podcasting doesn’t pay)

I have to tell you about my weekend (Special Podcast Recap)

Starfish Circus: Brooklyn (taken from my seat)

My weekend was so much fun it would make your mother cry… But not MY mother. She’s already heard the whole thing (nothing left out too. that’s how we roll.)

To give you an idea how epic this special podcast blog is… It’s forty-something minutes long.

I try to tackle the following events:
Thursday – Jonathan Coulton and They Might Be Giants
Friday – The Reining Monarchs
Saturday – Manhattan and Starfish Circus: Brooklyn


Being a muse is great inspiration to be your own muse. (drunken recorded post)

So I was tickled by this lovely message that I got via the facebooks yesterday. I have truncated it so as to not broadcast everything, but I hope it puts everything into perspective.

“Then I got into a conversation with Ali about my future aspirations and I told her I was nervous about taking steps toward it. She looked me dead in the eye and told me to do it, that I could do anything. When I got home on Sunday, I applied to Graduate School.. and I just found out I got in.”

Let me share a little bit about the human perspective, and I will preface this by stating that I’m still not sure that any of you exist. Perhaps this is my own version of Suckerpunch, less the uniform wearing zombie killers.

Lets face it. For many life can be disappointing. It is not often something that you can directly correlate with a specific event in life. It seems to be an amalgamation of tiny doubts that forms like Voltron as a self hate robot.

For many years I have been my biggest critic. I have always headed into a project with the mindset that no one is going to judge me harsher than I judge myself. Perhaps it is the thought that the only real opinion that matters is my own, but even I have to disagree with my former standpoint.

For the most part, many of the things you do are dictated by how someone else will react to it.

I know that I constant harp on the fact that I was once overweight (and probably by societies standards I still am), but I have found a moment of nirvana. A section of life that was pure tranquility and inspiration. I like to now refer to this as my “fuck it” list.

There are people that live day by day with the hope that one day they will be able to approach the destiny that they feel they are entitled to.

Let’s just cut the bullshit right now, internet. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO WORK FOR.

Saying “I am going to be a big singer, songwriter, playright, television personality” and following it up with a cavernous list of “IF”s… You have destined yourself for nothingness.

Everyone is terrified. I hate to be one to point it out, but EVERYONE is terrified. The idea of doing something that you love, putting it out there and having someone shit on it pretty much squashes the destination for most. Those that take that shit, use it as fertilizer and grow something… Those are the pioneers.

I have found (and please correct me if I’m wrong) that if you love something so much and think other people will like it… They will.

Letting someone pass judgment on your life is the lazy way out. You inevitably live a half-life. I have spent a life in the shadow of others, and for the most part I believe that it was self-imposed.

I have to tell you that it is liberating to realize that I want to do something for the sake of doing something. I do not know if there is financial gain from the project I am working on. I know that I love it enough to think that someone else in the world will like it too.

I’m sure people are thinking “this bitch is so self-involved and thinks she’s better than she is”.

First off – No. I don’t. I have spent years working through a crippling sense of self doubt. I could post the old diary entires where all I did was talk about how I wished I could change my lot in life. As much as this is very revealing, I have tried to kill myself on multiple occasions. I do not bring that up to bring you down. I am simply stating that life has affected me.

Secondly – Fuck you.

Living your life in the shadow of the world is no true way to live. I wholeheartedly believe that the majority of humanity has hidden their brilliance under the proverbial bushel and it has resulted in a generation of disaffected youth.

I work a job that eats away at my soul. I think many people feel the same way.

I live in a town/city/climate that is not conducive to keeping me happy. I have been terrified of leaving because I have such a phenomenal set of parents that try their damnedest to be supportive, even if they think I’m making the worst decision in the world.

I have family where I live and that seems to be the greatest deterrent keeping me from approaching my own way. Why make the leap and end up in a pond on your own when the lake that you currently reside in not only is full of fish you know, but also offers you free food and assistance in catching the flavor you favor?

It has taken 27 years for me to realize that this is not where I am meant to be. I had a reveal moment this weekend where I voiced that I didn’t know where I belonged, but I was positive that it wasn’t here.

Taking the leap is scary. I haven’t actually even taken the leap. I am simply focusing my balance to jump.

A lot of people recently have sent me notes saying that they were inspired by me. that I cut through the bullshit and told them to get out of their own fucking way (my own words. I really like saying “fuck”. Sorry Mom and Dad). In turn, they are hopping up on a stage during an open mic night for comedy. They are traveling south to pursue their educational dreams. They are going back to school.

Seeing everyone take the steps to succeed has been a milestone for me. I think that watching people succeed or make the steps to do so has in a sense inspired me. But, is it them or is it me?

I know this has been a long post, and I fully applaud those reading through it, but I don’t know your answer. It is probably different than mine.

But the fact of the matter is that I have had enough of remaining outside of the limelight. It is my time to shine.

Come June 13th, you will see. I would love for you to enjoy it.


Boston 2: Electric Boogaloo – SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! I even read it for you too!

Nancy and I ended up back at Leah’s for the night. It was good that we were all exhausted because I was getting to the 24 hour mark with no sleep. Of course, being a light sleeper and an insomniac, I stretched out on the air mattress and stared at the ceiling for a little while. By the time I realized that Nancy had already fallen asleep, I found myself drifting into oblivion.

I woke up several times during the night (like I always do) and tried to pace it out, but instead played a game of “find the squeaky floorboard and avoid it at all costs”. I was able to get a few more thirty minute segments of sleep until about eight and then decided to turn my phone on silent and go through my facebook and twitter feeds. I thought “Hey, I’m up so I might as well send Leah a friend request.” I clicked the add button and not ten seconds later I heard the sound of a smartphone vibrating on a wooden desk. Yep. Great job letting everyone sleep, Ali.

A couple of hours later, the girls were up and we were chatting. Chris got ahold of us and asked us where we wanted to meet. We agreed to meet over at Zaftig’s for brunch and arrived around 12:30. We met up with Chris, Ryan, Casey, Laura, Richard, and the three of us. There was an hour wait so we putzed around through a local comic shop before heading back and finding out that the hour would be longer than 60 minutes. Improbable and inconcievable, no?

We scrapped that place and headed to a Crepe place where we gorged ourselves on deliciousness. We then went somewhere else for coffee and walkies. We continued to be led through the MIT area and ended up at a theatre to take in a showing of Super. Leah had to cut out, so we said our goodbyes and hugged like we’d known each other forever because it kind of felt like we had.

We were there an hour early, so Richard ran the Leonard Maltin game (which was so much fun!) and I taught them the Movie Plot Mashup Game that Slack introduced me to.

What is the Movie Plot Mashup Game? It’s like “Build a Title” except you merge two movie titles together and then create one plot out of the two. You tell everyone the plot and they have to figure out the title of your movie hybrid.

Example: “As a tortured man hangs on a cross, he thinks about his childhood, and how all he wanted was an air rifle for his birthday.”
This movie would be called “The Passion of the Christmas Story”

We watched Super (and I laughed like a bastard during one scene that resulted in everyone cracking up at me because I’m inappropriate) and it was great. It was a dark comedy that ran the emotional gamut for Rainn Wilson. That is pretty much all I will say about it so as to not spoil it for anyone. Definitely not a kids movie.

After the movie I planned to leave, but I didn’t want to so I headed to Jamaica Plain with everyone to meet up with Bonnie and Sam. We seriously could not stop playing the Movie Plot Mashup Game. It should actually be called “Okay, I’ve Got One” because those words were uttered SO MUCH.

Upon arrival in JP, we found an Indian restaurant where we shared dinner and inappropriate stories. These are totally my kind of people. After dinner, there was icecream eaten and Nancy and I had to cut out to grab the T back to where our cars were.

After Nancy got off for the Red Line, these two drunk girls got on the T and one was talking about “stabbing that dumb bitch in the face tomorrow” while the other nodded emphatically and stated “oh hell yeah, she’s totally gettin’ hers”. At one point one of them started talking about their Smith and Wesson and I was thankful when I reached Haymarket. I get up to leave and the girl says “Hey! Hey you! HEY! … Thatsha turtle! Where joo geddit?”. I smiled, thanked her, and told her where I got it as I left. It just goes to show that even the most violent people can enjoy a touch of whimsy.

Let it just be said that the Green Line is the shittiest shit that ever shat out of shittown. It took me a half an hour before I just said “Fuck it” and grabbed the next train. It took me close enough to Fenway that I had 3/4 of a mile to walk to my car. Being the lazy person I am, I had every intention of taking a cab to my car, but the Fenway game had just gotten out so their was a mass exodus of Fenway fucks yoinking all of the cabs on Brookline Ave. So it was a nice walk through light rain. I hopped into my car, drove home, got about a half hour of sleep then headed to work LIKE THE GODDAMNED ROCKSTAR I AM.

And that is the conclusion of my strawberry jam packed weekend o’fun!

As for the Nerdy Dozen that I met this weekend, you guys are my burrito. I thoroughly enjoyed the fuck out of it too.


Chicopee/Boston: Friday/Saturday – I read you my blog post while drunk – This was not a well thought out entry.

I’m several sheets right now and I’m too exhausted to edit this. AAAAAND I also recorded this blog post reading (like the other one I did that one time). So if you’re super lazy or just want to hear me fumble with words have a listen. The recording is at the bottom of the entry.

Friday Night I went to see Chris Hardwick and Mike Phirman at the HuKeLau in Chicopee, Massachusetts. It was spectacular. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Eating sushi and watching comedy actually works well for me, though I’m sure the flaming PuPuPlatters near the front of the stage were mildly alarming to anyone on stage. I’m guessing a comedian at the HuKeLau is thinking “don’t make fun of someone at that table” until the last one burns out. Both Mike and Chris had amazing sets and were nice enough to meet up with people after the show.

I ended up leaving shortly after saying hello and decided to stay at my parents house. With my parents gone and me being the opportunist I am, I jumped like crazy on their kingsize bed and collapsed into sleep.

Apparently, they know how to thwart the fun of their adult child. Both of my parents are partially deaf and they sleep on their good ears so they aren’t woken by the others snoring (and yes, y’all DO snore). What they didn’t know is that their alarm is set to go off at THREE IN THE MORNING. Being an insomniac that was excited about the events I would be participating in… I was up. I couldn’t help it.

8AM – Driving to Boston
This was one of the easiest drives I have ever made to Boston. For true. Apparently at that time in the morning on the weekend the roads are not congested at all. So I plugged my phone into my USB jack in my car and sang at the top of my lungs to They Might Be Giants the whole ride there. It made me feel a little bit better even though I was already exhausted. I left the Mass Pike to hit the Trader Joes in Framingham and bought myself some breakfast. The journey continued with heading into the Fenway area.

I believe that my first exclamation out of my mouth was “Fuck my face. Opening Day was yesterday.” I then drove past places offering parking for $35 but you had to be out of the parking lot within an hour of the game’s completion.

I ended up parking at Beth Israel Temple Rd Garage and walked the half mile to Fenway.

11:00am – Met Up With the Nerds at Jillian’s. Had drinkies.
I got to Jillian’s and went to the third floor to meet everyone at the bowling alley. Turns out they were gathering on the second floor. Christopher hadn’t arrived yet, but Adam was there and watched me do a lap in a TMNT backpack before waving me over and chatting. I got a drink and it was placed in front of me when Ryan and Chris arrived. I cannot remember everyone that joined in on drinks at Jillian’s, but there were a many of us.

We chatted for a little bit and it was amazing to sit back and quietly observe how everyone was talking animatedly and joking around. Within fifteen minutes we had formed a Gelatinous Cube collective. Throughout the day more and more people would get eaten into our enthusiasm. Wow, I’m losing myself in that metaphor. I should really sleep before posting this, but I’m not going to.

1:00pm – Boston Commons Falafel Picnic Dance Party
Once we met up with those that had arranged to connect at Jillian’s, we hopped on a T and headed into Boston Commons. A group of awesome was waiting for us and we grabbed lunch and enjoyed a picnic on a sunny Saturday in the Commons. As I took a few pictures I couldn’t help but laugh. My first thought was “This looks like a stock photo on a campus guide.” I ate my first falafel. Pretty damn good.

During our meal there were marchers for something and they were playing a drum so I danced around like an idiot (as I often do).

2:30pm – Museum of Science
After everyone nommed down their food, we went to the T to head towards the Museum of Science. We then lost six of the group as we hopped on a train then hopped off when we realized it was the wrong one. We caught up to them a few stops later and we were one again.

Matt got tickets for all of us for the Museum of Science and there were a couple people that met up with us there. We walked around for awhile, bought astronaut icecream, and marveled at how Christopher was able to fit in a kid’s small t-shirt and pull it off (I mean the style. I think he actually was cut out of it.)

4:00pm – Omni Movie – Tornado Alley
We went into the Omni Theater to watch a documentary about Tornado chasers (narrated by Bill Paxton). It was a cool idea but I’m not going to lie. My eyes were closed for a lot of it. I don’t do so well with aerial shots and there was just so much to take in and you had to adjust to see some things. It’s cool though. I thought I’d fall asleep, but I didn’t.

5:00pm – Anna’s Taqueria
After the movie, we trekked over to Anna’s Taqueria on Cambridge St where Chris Hardwick met up for burrito fun times. He was gracious enough to chill for a little while and share a video that was sent to him (that was super awesome) and he took pictures. He headed out to get back to the theatre for the show and we finished our burritos and some of the group dressed in costume for the show.

7:00pm – The Wilbur Theatre
The show was a torrid love affair of funny and after it concluded, we got in line to wait to say hi to Chris and Mike. After about fifteen minutes without the line moving at all… We decided against it. There was much drinking to be done. (WHAT?!?! She’s not talking about the show? … Maybe I’ll write up a proper post all about it.)

Numbers Become Irrelevant – Jacob Wirth
Table for twelve at Jacob Wirth, a German bar with a crazy amount of alcohol. Some people ordered food, some people drank out of penis straws. All in all, it was a rousing good time.

During our time there I looked at my phone and realized that I needed to get going so I asked how to get to the T and back to Fenway so I could grab my car. Leah scoffed and told me that I was staying at her house. You know? Traveling by yourself is pretty awesome. I didn’t want the day to end and getting another day with such a fantastic group of people was just a yes away. So I said yes!

Numbers Become Irrelevant – TC’s
We ended up traveling over to this bar in the Emerson area because they had a porn claw machine. The fact that we went there solely for the game still makes me smile.

Numbers Become Irrelevant – Jillian’s
We finished the evening together at Jillian’s where we met up with a bunch of other peoples and we drank until they told us we couldn’t anymore. I rushed to use the bathroom and some nozzle decided to take the last quarter of my scotch. Note to self – When they say last call and you have to pee, if you can squat and drink at the same time, make those moments count.

Then we split up with the promise of brunch the following day. Nancy and I crashed at Leah’s (which was super crazy nice of her and I totally appreciate it)


Does It Feel Like Customer Service Doesn’t Care? It Should.

You don’t need to speak louder. I still won’t pay attention

NOW WITH RECORDING! That’s right folks! Feeling lazy? Just push play at the bottom of the post! 

I am sure everyone has dealt with customer service at some point in the last week (or maybe on a daily basis). If you are calling, chances are you are not speaking with someone that resides in the same region as you or even the same country.

That isn’t what my problem is. I don’t have a problem with someone answering my calls located in India. It sucks that on some level when you get someone with an accent unlike yours, your buttcheeks clench because you know how the call is going to go. You’re going to have to repeat yourself, they’re going to have to repeat themselves… It’s a clusterfuck of confusion.

Still not my issue. I actually consider myself to be VERY level headed when speaking to someone on the phone because I have been in that position before. Sadly, here is the truth. I am going to slide back into my former self and give you some unfortunate news in bulleted format.

Here are some reasons why customer service calls NEVER go the way you actually want them to. Some of these are strictly meant to explain cable (as that is my area of expertise).

1. The Previous Call – DUMBFACE McASSHOLESON
Regardless of what you think, you are not the first call this person has taken today, nor will you be the last. You may be a completely kind and generous person calling because you have a VALID reason to call, but that is not the case of every caller. When I worked for Shady Cable, the majority of my calls were incredibly abusive.

The calls that follow are then tainted. The representative begins every call with the assumption that there will be screaming, profanity, and blame placed on their shoulders. I don’t even mean the company’s shoulders. I mean that the person the customer has reached is Damian fucking Thorn (that’s an Omen reference for the kiddos).

I cannot tell you how many times I had been told “YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND ARE RUINING MY LIFE!” It would always flabbergast me that a complete stranger thought that they mattered enough for me to RUIN their lives by preventing them from watching reruns of Pyramid on GSN.

2. Personal Lives – ONLY HUMAN!
As much as every place you work at tells you to leave your personal lives at the door, life can hit you with unexpected twists and turns. If you have no ability to act like nothing is wrong, when you’re upset, your tone changes. Even if you are a good actor, if people call and scream at you it does get to you. I spent many an evening contemplating drawing a hot bath, sliding in, then pulling in my DVR and electrocuting myself.

3. This Is Not The Apocalypse – OUTAGES
If service isn’t working and someone depends on cable services to enrich their daily lives there is an extreme sense of entitlement.

Let me clarify. Cable services are considered entertainment and NOT a utility. Utilities are things like electricity, heat, water, phone. THOSE have priorities. If a telephone pole goes down and the cable and phone are knocked out, electric lines have priority. Following their repairs is telephone. The cable company is not allowed to work on their lines before the telephone company UNLESS the subscribers in the area have VOIP (voice over internet protocol – that is phone through cable lines). Nowadays, most people have at least one cell phone in their homes, so it is still not a priority.

A call center rep cannot say “I’m sorry you can’t watch Dr. Phil to prove to yourself that you’re more of a winner than someone else.”

Oh and for those of you reading this and going “I run my business from my home”, DO NOT mention this if you are calling a cable company. They will then say “You are paying for cable on a personal level. You should not be running a business from that. I can connect you with our Business Sales Department if you would like.” As a customer service rep, I was ELATED when I got these calls because it left the petty bitch in me with a humongous smile on my face. Fuck you. You were mean to me. You’re going to have to pay three times what you’re paying now. Ha… ha ha… ha ha ha.

The amount of money that someone is being paid in these positions is downright fucking pitiful. When I started, they offered me $10.50 an hour (in 2005). Coming from a video store where I was making $8.50/hr as an Assistant Manager, I was all “Fuck YEAH! LET’S DO THIS!”

Little did my naive mind know the amount of screaming my brain would have to endure. This “Psyche Warfare” (I’m gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back for that. I deserve it.) was only assuaged by copious amounts of alcohol. I would even try to feed my sadness at Denny’s, as my shift ended. So not only was I miserable, I was miserable WITH DIARRHEA!

5. I Understand Your Frustration – I’M NOT PAID TO CARE!
When you work at a call center, you are taken off of the phones for about fifteen minutes a month for something they call “QA”, but I call “Let me spend fifteen minutes telling you why the company thinks you are useless.” Think back to your last company review. Take that and multiply it by 12 and condense all of the hate. Your yearly review was far easier to endure than the monthly “Quality Assurance” meetings that I was required to suffer through.

“Quality Assurance” doesn’t mean what you think it does. “Quality Assurance” to Shady Cable has nothing to do with the quality of service that the customers receive from the representative. They focus on the amount of time you spend on a call, the amount of time following a call that you are unavailable to take another call, and your ability to upsell.

The amount of time I was supposed to spend on a call was around five minutes. They wanted me to verify customer identity, verify their services, then take care of whatever issues they were calling about, try to sell them something new and get the customer to release the call (because we were NEVER allowed to disconnect a call). Obviously from the length of this post, I like to use words. I typically enjoy talking to people. I really do. If they’re not total assfaces, that is.

The idle time following a call is meant to record in the customer account what it is you discussed, what the issue was, whether or not it was resolved with you, and if it was not what resolution is to follow and what steps you have taken to remedy the issue.

They liked to call the ability to upsell “bonuses” in which if you reached sales quotas that were determined by your shift, you got a little bit of extra in your paycheck that was taxed heavily. However, the sales department were the ones to get the majority of the sales as THAT WAS WHY THE CUSTOMER PUSHED THE BUTTON FOR SALES. When someone is pissed off that there is an outage, I’m pretty sure that they don’t want you to talk about the wonder of the premium channels. “Oh hey, you can’t see anything on your TV right now except for ‘NO SIGNAL FUCKWAD’? Let me tell you about Six Feet Under. A family with a funeral home! … … I can hear you flipping me off right now.”

Then you got the overwhelming joy of listening to a random call you had taken throughout the month – EVEN THOUGH you were the one speaking. They then tear down everything that you had done, have you sign a piece of paper in blood that you were aware of your shortcomings and send you back to take more calls.

Taking calls is boring. When you work 8 hours and field 90+ calls a day, you need something to take your mind off of the hum drum. Or, you had just had the call from hell and wanted to confuse the hell out of someone.

There was this guy in a cubicle near me who would take every call in a different accent. It was endlessly entertaining. His goal was to not break the accent, but if he ever did and the person on the other end of the line called him on it, he would snap at them in a completely different accent. Shortly thereafter, the call would end. I’m pretty sure the customer turned to their significant other and said “We need to find a new company. I’m pretty sure the dude I just spoke with is insane. We can’t have cable from psychopaths.”

I was contemplating sharing stories of fuckery with you in this post, but as it is ridiculously long I will post a few when I have time. The names will be changed so as to not get my ass sued.

Also, I will not tell you what cable company I worked for, as I really don’t want to poke the bear.