QFP Quotes From Pals Catchup: October, November, December 2012

This sounds like somebody shit in my ears.
Seth 10/4/12

I have liquids.
Seth 10/12/12

We’ll get some Budweiser scotch while we’re at it.
Rick 10/12/12

Oh you’re from Cupertino? I love your font!
Rick 10/13/12

My arm makes my face go dark. Cat logic is awesome.
Ali 10/13/12

That’s such a painful pose! … But men like, so we do it!
Dana 10/13/12

Why do you need to overthrow the donut king?
Dana 10/13/12

Do you want to have a staring contest with me just so I can cry?
Robbie 10/14/12

God doesn’t close a vagina by opening an asshole.
Rick 10/14/12

He’s young and has good hydraulics.
Susan 10/14/12

No one gets a Snagglepuss reference anymore.
Eric 10/25/12

I’m an OG hoarder.
Payne 11/1/12

I know exactly what I’m doing with knives.
Amber 11/2/12

My vagina just breathed a sigh of relief.
Nikki 11/6/12

Jenn: “I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven.”
Ali: “Do you like hot pudding?”

I’m always weary about people that don’t love chocolate.
Jenn 11/7/12

Was there really any other type of Rick Danko than a coked up one?
Marissa 11/8/12

Shawn: The thing about Japan…
Ali: Educate me, Viking.

Ali: Why did I join a wine club?
Shawn: It didn’t really help you.
Emerald: You’re whining right now.

I wanna have sex with you and now I can’t. This is your fault.
Nikki 11/9/12

Fuck your treachery! Have you ever been bitten by a duck?
Nikki 11/9/12

Nikki: *French Accent* Mawwwhahahaha!
Matt: Which is French for Hahahaha.

Aren’t they supposed to smell like pickles and money? Or pickled money?
Emerald 11/9/12

I would pay you so much money to Sharpie your dick.
Nikki 11/9/12

Seth: Since Op Ivy played their last show in ‘89, you can’t be expected to buy the tee at a show.
Marissa: I also would have been six and was mainly listening to the theme from Land Before Time and Whitney Houston’s opus “The Greatest Love Of All”. The only Operations I cared about were the one I was undergoing for my sinuses and the one that involved an inanimate man and buzzing tweezers

If you pay $400 for a Fugazi shirt, Ian McKaye will personally punch you in the pants.
Seth 11/13/12

The guy on the left looks like a self-important German architect with eccentric sexual proclivities, the middle guy is what would come out it Neil Young and Bret Michaels had a baby, and the gut on the right is like, “yeah, I like piercings and 80s hairdos–whataya want from me?”.
Paul 11/20/12

Let’s get drunk, show up with weird paintings and heckle them mercilessly.
Josh 11/20/12

Basically all bad people names are great pet names.
Amber 11/20/12

You are a cat racist!
Amber 11/20/12

Killed by stuffed animals is not how I want to go out.
Cupcake 11/21/12

I’ve never laid an egg or a chicken.
Dominique 11/22/12

You build babies out of meat.
Seth 11/25/12

That sounds like a dude that went jogging at a taco festival.
Seth 11/25/12

Seth: it would be creepy and cute.
Ali: it would be creepdorable!

Are you mocking autistic children?
Puppy 12/1/12

Is it weird calling him “daddy” in a non-fetish setting?
Jackie 12/22/12

Your horror is an aphrodisiac to me.
Ali 12/26/12

He’s basically Rainbow Dash with Apple Jack’s accent.
Rune 12/29/12

Rune: I think Lady Gaga just douses herself in glue and rolls around in things.
Me: Yeah. She’s like Katamari.

He keeps his girlfriends private. I know because I stalked him on MySpace.
Rune 12/29/12

QFP Quotes from Pals August and September 2012

Boo: What’s your middle name?
Ali: Dawn. Like a sunrise.
Boo: Or a Tyrannadon!

Boo: Why are you taking the water off?
Darren: To make you ask questions.

It sounds like robot snuff films to me.
Keri 8/21/12

Frodo’s trip to Mount Doom was interesting too, but it didn’t really happen.
Seth 8/22/12

Well…ok but only because your grandfather was so handsome. I’m not about to take inspiration from an ugly ass old dude.
Josh 8/24/12

Boo: I think a kid is concerned, Mommy.
Ali: Concerned about what?
Boo: Pickles
Molly: What kid would that be?
Boo: That would be me.

I bet an aneurism is great when it’s over.
Ali 9/8/12

This is like a monkey fucking a football. “Does this go there?”
Puppy 9/15/12

There’s no such thing as date rape. Once the rape starts, the date is over.
Rune 9/15/12

Can you sew my panties?!??
Danni 9/15/12

Josh: I actually had it paused right at the beginning of that song. Yeah pretty graphic but not totally offensive. Didn’t he spend most of it talking about eating p word? Seems like a nice gesture of good will towards women.
Marissa: You’re right, I’m being silly. I mean if I read that on a dating profile, I’d think to myself “wow, this guy is pretty much a feminist”
RC 9/13/12

I can’t say unequivocally that if the Zombies did come, I WOULDN’T take up chewing tobacco. I feel like if I were living the life on the run from the hoard, I might NEED to have some chaw and a spittoon. I mean is there a girl out there that wouldn’t love a pearl and rhinestone covered spittoon?
Marissa 9/20/12

Thanks for the closed captioning. Now I can hear it.
Dad 9/27/12

This is a lot like Boston except that it’s cleaner, brighter, and less crowded.
Mom 9/29/12

OH at Powells: “So I should just buy 50 Shades of Grey and get a cat?”

Even the nice ones just look like a Chipotle burrito with a vein running down the side
Kenneth 9/29/12

QFP July 2012

Come on! Gimme some sky candy!
JonB 7/3/12

He’s like the Joe Pesci of dogs.
Slack 7/4/12

Just saying that made me want to become an arsonist.
JonB 7/4/12

I’ve got an advanced downward facing dog.
Pat 7/4/12

If you have speedbumps on your cock, you got a knowledge about some shit.
Bro 7/4/12

I don’t feel bad about poultry, because they’re essentially lizards.
Patrick 7/11/12

Bro: I like the pimps and hos analogy.
Pat: It’s pretty much the same except less gonorrhea.

Ali: Do we change time zones today?
Mom: Do we?
Ali: We’re the worst travelers ever!

Mom: Tie bump to the door?
Ali: Five bucks at the door!

Quotes From Pals: June – Parawana Fishes

30 shades of flannel.
Seth 6/2/12

Put a blacklight under the table and it’s like the billion boy battlefield.
Ali 6/8/12

*sung* Milo Ventimiglia- ah ha!
Ali 6/8/12

The only thing hot about her is that she has the psycho killer eyes.
Steve 6/8/12

If you could fist your earrings, you’re probably a whore.
Ash 6/8/12

Ash: I’m gonna kill you.
Steve: I always figured you would one day.

Ash: Stake to the heart!
Ali: Yep. That’s how you solve AIDS.

Jess: I wanna get my tonsils taken out so I can get free ice-cream.
Ali: Really? ‘Cause we’re going to get some free right now and you don’t need surgery.

Jess: I don’t want you calling me and saying that you got hurt from a volcano.

Mom: “I wish my eye would stop tearing.”
Ali: “Well stop putting your fingers in it!”

Jess: My mom doesn’t get sarcasm
Ali: Yes she does! You’re not doing it right.

Sea Turtle!
Jess 6/12/12

They are just letting you know that bears have happened to cross the street.
Laura 6/12/12

I’m smarter than a seventh grader, I just don’t know facts.
Mom 6/12/12

You’d be amazed at how tired you get when there is nothing to do.
Ali 6/12/12

Mom: Who would come from a different state to come here?
Laura: We did.

Mom: Have you ever seen a porcupine?
Jess: Yeah. Dead.

Parawana fish?
Jess 6/12/12

Mom 6/12/12

Non-alcohol free.
Jess 6/12/12

Cataract bears!
Ali 6/12/12

They must have a lot of oxygen in this state because they have so many trees.
Mom 6/12/12

I’m gonna write that down! … You got a pen I can use?
Jess 6/12/12

The car rules are written on the outside of the car.
Mom 6/12/12

Laura: It’s been four miles since that “Moose Crossing for the next four miles.”
Ali: You should call Vermont and scream “THIS IS BULLSHIT!”

I wanna see a moose.
Mom 6/12/12

From Florida, take an east.
Mom 6/13/12

Do you have a gun we can borrow?
Jess 6/13/12

Ash: You should be serving us.
Steve: I can serve you smiles.

I do not live in a family of puppies.
JonB 6/16/12

Rust is luxurious… If you’re into high-end steampunk.
Jon 6/16/12

You are like the vampire of fun.
Ashley 6/28/12

Nothing beats a good interoffice skull-fucking.
Ali 6/28/12

You can punch yourself in the back of the head, but it’s better when it’s unexpected. It’s like a surprise party that may cause brain damage.
Ali 6/28/12

QFP April and May: Lonely Alpaca

There really is nothing sadder than a lonely alpaca.
Marissa 4/2/12

Everyone’s supposed to have a 1% other for their diet, so I’m fine with eating cat hair.
Steve 4/8/12

Why is Snoop Dogg on anything but parole?
Seth 4/9/12

He put the “meth” in “method acting”.
Seth 4/9/12

I’m not taking you to Universal when this is CLEARLY a Disney mug.
Steve 4/13/12

I can see you… being… talking.
Steve 4/14/12

I put torches… It’s the KKK parade.
Steve 4/14/12

If anal sex is a game, I’m winning.
Vicki 4/16/12

“Somewhat lazy eye”?!?!?! It’s full blown lazy. It’s so lazy, it’s stepdad is furious that it can’t just do the goddamn dishes as it’s the only thing they told it to do…
Ali 4/19/12

You know that I get startled easily. I’m like a deer that loves comic books.
Ali 4/22/12

“Animal Husbandry” isn’t the practice of cross species fucking. I had to look that up to make sure.
Ali 4/24/12

I saw Pineapple Express. I know how this works.
Steve 4/24/12

She really wasn’t interested in doing much other than being punched in the vagina.
Greg 5/17/12

But… Those are hell points.
Lizzylocks 5/18/12

We would go “Walken-Stalkin’.”
Tina 5/18/12

Those vaginas are lookin’ troubled.
Lizzylocks 5/18/12

Ali: You should be on Glee!
Steve: They denied my audition. I was gonna be ‘wheelchair boy #2’… cause I can’t dance.
Ash: you’d just be another Finn

I don’t wanna go to the carnival. There might be carnies there.
Ali 5/25/12

L: Did I miss her butt?
T: She wasn’t drinking.

That’s probably why America started outsourcing. They stopped making shoulder pads.
Marissa 5/25/12

Ashley: Are you stalking me?
Steve: No, you’re just racist.

Oh my god, what just happened? Are you a leprechaun?
Ashley 5/26/12

Ash: it is a plane!
Steve: it’s a boat with an airplane sticker!

Ash: With whips coming out of her nipples!
Ali: Whipples?

Ivy is a tree merkin.
Ali 5/26/12

Steve: I’m kinda wishing I didn’t come.
Ash: Well you can’t take it back, so you’d best make the worst of it.

That beaver asphyxiated on a gut full of cum.
Pat 5/26/12

Ali: Who the hell pulls a sword when a knife is so much easier to handle?
Pat: Perhaps you have never heard of Pat Siana.

And to punish her, I only had sex with her one more time. And I guarantee she didn’t enjoy it!
Pat 5/26/12

I should get a jean vest. Three piece canadian tuxedo!
Drew 5/26/12

Yeah? Tell me you love Justin Bieber for his mind.
Ali 5/29/12

QFP March: Leftovertures

Bro: “How does Wil Smith get so much work?”
Drew: “By being the whitest black guy.”

That’s what I picture the Titanic would be if they survived a few more hours.
ChrisS 3/3/12 [Oregon Trail]

It IS a big penis.
Ali 3/3/12

If I knew this was a witch hunt, I would have brought my grimoire.
Pat 3/3/12

She’s practically stapled her labia to him.
Thom 3/5/12

He was round bellied and stupid eyed.
Jeri 3/5/12

She had big Mariah Carey hands.
Thom 3/5/12

Curiously stronger than vaginas?
Bro 3/8/12

Ray: “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
Chad: “The heart is dumb”

It’s like really rough sex in a pool.
AshleyS 3/10/12

It’s the LL Cool J of cars.
Ali 3/16/12

I don’t know the difference between gladiators and jails.
Jeri 3/19/12

Josh: How old was the Christian Slater character in the book?
[RC] 3/21/12 (Book: The Name of the Rose)

Ali: You’re gonna be the dad that, on Christmas morning, points at your kids wrapped presents and says “pajamas and a hologame” while talking about how Santa isn’t real.
Seth: I told everyone in my preschool that Santa wasn’t real. I was 3½. My parents were called in for a discussion.
Ali: You’re a dick.
[RC] 3/21/12

Thanks a lot, I only have a verb named after me because I don’t like when people do that, but whatever it’s fine.
[RC] Seth 3/22/12

I’m going to start telling people I don’t simply have leftovers, I have Leftovertures because my meals are masterpieces (lie)
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Seth: All the pianos in Heaven are white.
Ali: I learned that from Happy Gilmore.
[RC] 3/22/12

Taupe…what a waste of a color. I guess I’d take the 70s Avocado. Although I wish they had what my mother referred to as “baby sh*t gold”, the other prominent color of the 70s
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Wait… did Moses lead the American Revolution? That guy looks like he’s about to take the troops across the Red Delaware.
[RC] Marissa 3/22/12

Ali: A woman just told me that she pays us so we’d damn well better come later in the day. I said “a lot of people pay us. that’s why we’re there so early.”
Seth: Greatest generation my butt.

Dude, nobody likes a skort.
Pat 3/23/12

*sung* Zombies, zombies everywhere… Zombies zombies in my hair… *spoken* They’re trying to get at my brains.
Steve 3/28/12

I’m not angry, I’m just drinking
Steve 3/30/12

Ali: It’s your turn, ass face.
Steve: I’m going… I don’t like that I answered to that.

Steve for President 2012: Count on evil.
Ali 3/30/12

Ash: I invoke the rule of sanctuary!
Steve: Point it out to me in the rules of Sorry.

You’re a cunt monger
Ash 3/30/12

If you’ve ever had a period, take the penalty.
Steve 3/30/12

QFP January 2012: Latino Swedish Meatballs

He sounds like Iggy Pop, but with less hepatitis.
Vicki 1/1/12

Seth: Would anybody else watch Riot Cats if it was a show on TNT?
Ali: I would.
Seth: I see it as SWAT with all roles played by kittens.
Ali: We have cameras and I’m sure someone will let us borrow kittens for
an evening.
Paul: This show sounds amazing.
[RC] 1/09/12

Ali: Maybe if you track your mood you may be more likely to give
something another try in the future.
Josh: I’d probably spend too long figuring out what kind of mood I’m in.
Seth: Wait, by what criteria are we rating moods? Let’s discuss this for
a few hours.
Paul: I dispute the whole concept of “moods”
Mike: Agreed. What really is self awareness anyway? a flawed prism of
Ali: … I hate all of you.
[RC] 1/10/12

I’d totally see a movie called Devil Bucket.
[RC] Seth 1/11/12

I’m still looking for fat ho’s.
Steve 1/11/12

Sports are boring to AliMonster. If you keep me in this thread, add
kitteh pictures.
[RC] Ali 1/12/12

Marissa: Paul, you’re about to claim that Jordan is a Templar aren’t
you? Or at the very least a Mason?
Ali: Jordan, Bird, and Pippen formed the Balluminati.
Seth: Does anyone still really care about walkhockey? I know the NBA
owners don’t, and no one associated with the Knicks has for years.
Marissa: Seth, hush!! This is the kind of speak that gets you thrown in
the court of Justice. You’re then sentenced to a one-on-one sudden
death match-up with Michael Jordan or one of the other Centers of
Darkness. It never ends well for the lowly people.
[RC] 1/12/12

I’m really not a fan of fillers like this. It sounds like it ran away
from a Tim Burton movie.
[RC] Marissa 1/12/12

Rule #2 – You don’t talk about Fight Club. This is Record Club, stupid.
[RC] Josh 1/12/12

Seth: Paul, did anyone teach you how to start a new thread?
Paul: What did I do wrong? I guess I was a little lazy on thread
etiquette here-is that what you’re saying?
Seth: I’m just saying Joni Mitchell was acquitted of all charges in the
OKC incident.
[RC] 1/13/12

He had about four Tibetan Big Gulps.
Seth 1/13/12

Do you cum salt petre?
Ali 1/13/12

You blew a stripper? That’s like blowing every lady that got married
that year.
Ali 1/13/12

Once you go fat, you never go flat.
Seth 1/13/12

He has a beef chef boyardee about him?
Vicki 1/13/12

“Why does my sock smell so good?”
“You been walkin on sunshine?”
Seth and Vicki 1/13/12

I’m flying high on the new season of NeverNotFunny. And codeine cough
medicine. Mostly the medicine, actually. Turns out I can’t teleport. I
am just walking around during blackouts.
[RC] Seth 1/18/12

“Ali’s drunk so don’t listen to her.”
“Also true.”
Steve and Ali 1/18/12

I’ve never seen Bill Paxton look that happy.
[RC] Marissa 1/19/12

You didn’t know Hitler hated the balcony?
Ashley 1/20/12

Was that somebody’s snowblower or did they just pull up?
Seth 1/23/12

[RC] Christina 1/25/12

He’s kind of fun though. He’s like the Michael Scott of Mayors.
[RC] Kevin 1/25/12

Josh: He probably did about 5 straight terms and then lost to April
Capone a few years ago and just got reelected last year. The funny thing
is, April’s main problem was she was at odds with the police force. She
definitely would have handled that question better.
Paul: Who would’ve thought-A Capone at odds with the police force
[RC] 1/25/12

“Seth: “Mayor Joseph Maturo SAYS he’s having tacos for dinner, but Mayor
Maturo’s wife actually is making a box of Velveeta Cheezy Skillet. Do we
need a mayor who can’t tell the truth about dinner?
I’m Harvey Stanton. When I commit to a meal, I don’t back out or
flip-flop. I have eaten tacos, spaghetti, General Tso’s, pho, and
haggis. As your mayor, I’ll eat anything, anywhere. And that’s a
[RC] 1/25/12

Jared: My favorite quote – “I said maybe go out and have a latino meal
tonight, whether it be tacos or whether it be any other meal.”
Ali: … Latino Swedish Meatballs are delicious. I find nothing funny
about that sentence.
[RC] 1/25/12

That must happen in every town. Mayors give jobs to their friends and
relatives. It’s a fact of life. When Borer was mayor of west haven, he
was notorious for that. He was also notorious for hiring contractors,
paid for by the city of West Haven, to make home improvements to his
house & paying for regular flights to Ohio to meet his concubine.
[RC] Christina 1/25/12

That’s why they keep electing Picard. He’s the least crooked guy they’ve
had since the British burned the place down.
[RC] Seth 1/25/12

Is this whole thing about pizza and politics? I just want to know if
there’s anything I’m missing….
[RC] Marissa 1/25/12

Christmas at her house is a more offensive stereotype than the Olive
[RC] Ali 1/25/12

Rosebud is Norman Bates’ mother all along.
[RC] Seth 1/26/12

If I could fuck Groupon, I would.
Ali 1/30/11

“We call the process of growing a beard after achieving recognition as a
child actor “”Wheatonization””.
Ain’t no beard alive as glorious as that which resides on the chinny
chin chin of the former Wesley Crusher. ”
[RC] Ali 1/31/12

QFP December 2011: Shit My Friends Say

If I were President, I’d make Sugarland fans enemy combatants and put them all in Gitmo.
[RC] Chris 12/1/11

Is it too serious when my coworkers see me crying at work?
[RC] Mike 12/1/11

Ali: Will listening to this automatically make me a Juggalo? If it does, I refuse to listen to it. I really hate face paint and the idea of legally changing my name to Shank McGee would make me wonder if it is possible to curbstomp my own damn self.
Chris: The Joke’s On You Shanks.
[RC] 12/1/11

I’m a were-juggalo.
[RC] Ali 12/1/11

Seth: I would hate to have it said that I treated Violent J differently than John Zorn.
Josh: Exactly. You don’t want to give Violent J that much power.
Seth: I am fairly confident that Zorn could take him in a fist fight, though.
[RC] 12/1/11

Marissa: Oh don’t get your boxers bungled boys, I’ve listened to all of the songs so far. I’m just certain that this is the only Insane Clown Posse album I’ll ever listen to. I wasn’t prepared for this day when I was preparing for my life in high school
Ali: If you included ICP in your 10 year plan, I really think we wouldn’t be friends.
Seth: Mine be worser two!
Marissa: OH NO…if you keep listening, in three more tracks, you’re going to start looking for a guy in a dirty white tank to impregnate you and throwing up fake gang signs at work.
[RC] 12/1/11

This album is actually kind of fun. – Freshness McMurderman
[RC] Chris 12/1/11

It’s like in The Abyss when they have to breathe with the liquid oxygen and at first they fight it because it feels like they’re drowning so they try to hold their breath but after a couple minutes they just accept it and it works and they’re fine with breathing liquid into their lungs and they can go swimming all around and find a bunch of depressed aliens. That’s what it’s like.
[RC] Josh 12/1/11

A lot of people view these painful situations as being analogous to ripping off a band-aid. No, in this case I would rather be covered in a full body suit of adhesive tape and then have each strip be SLOWLY removed, leaving me looking like the kid that Andrew Clark made bleed that earned him his detention.
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

It makes me wonder what kind of lyrical genius they could have dropped on us if the KFC Double-down had been around before this song.
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

Who doesn’t like a good dose of necrophilia before 10 am?
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

The term “nuts” as been thrown around so much I can’t help but think that at some point, the word “squirrel” should have also been used, even if as a euphemism for lady parts, but I don’t think these guys do euphemism… or subtle. Also, “as soon as I nut I’m gone” might become my official signature on work emails.
[RC] Marissa 12/1/11

Seth: http://www.fakebands.com/fakeband_o.html
Paul: This website is a black hole for my work day
Seth: Dear Paul, You’re welcome, Love, The Internet
Marissa: If only it was narrated by piano-playing kittens
Seth: Soundtrack by Rick Astley and Tay Zonday.
[RC] 12/1/11

Marissa: Hopefully Grace Slick woke up just a little crazier today.
Seth: That seems like a safe bet.
[RC] 12/1/11

Mike: Josh is old and Rainman now apparently.
Marissa: No, I think it’s just a side effect of the Lipitor
Ali: It’s not that he’d old, he’s just tired of people chilling on his lawn. His front porch isn’t a Gathering of the Juggalos.
[RC] 12/1/11

Ali: I want to know everyone’s Seth-given Juggname
Seth: Mankillah Fo’Sizzle, Crusty McFartbite, Maltlikker Angelstab, Gatly McMurder, Dragonrape Killuminati, Caffiend SlaughtahFuk and Commodore Hategroin bin Sliceliver bin Jawadiddler, OBE
Mike: Dragonrape is the best. I mean the name, not the act. The act is difficult. I hear…
Ali: I was Caffiend SlaughtahFuk. Very accurate. I drink a lot of coffee and have to constantly tell myself not to stab others.
[RC] 12/1/11

Lastly, I’d like to blame Ronald Reagan, Milton Friedman and the entire Republican establishment.
[RC] Paul 12/1/11

But in all, this shit is just straight bad. Like worse than Beyonce in Goldmember bad. Worse than Criss Angel bad. Worse than Gallagher bad. Like the complete opposite of Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
[RC] Paul 12/1/11

I wonder if White Chocolate gets “Why do you have ‘ebay’ tattoed on your fingers?” a lot.
[RC] Josh 12/1/11

Like the marriage, the first act was tolerable but the second was like chewing tinfoil while rolling naked in thumbtacks.
[RC] Seth 12/5/11

If there is a hell that is catered specifically for the person going to it, I think mine will be a room of unprepped anal intrusion, dragonflies, and ICP on repeat.
[RC] Ali 12/5/11

Seth: I am only 3 behind this season! Personal best! #IAmAwesome!
Josh: You can’t avoid the Du forever. The Du is gonna getcha.
Seth: The Du-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ ta fuck with?
[RC] 12/8/11
“I’m not trying to actively seagull this dude (poop on his head). I’m just confused as to where the self-esteem origin stories came from. I would like to tap into that.”
“His origin story? He was bitten by a radioactive narcissist.”
Ali and Seth12/8/11

To be honest I dig blues more, but jazz is a nice addition to the RC catalog. (Especially when Paul decides to add ICP. It’s like he’s intentionally hate fucking my soul.)
[RC] Ali 12/9/11

I think I should start live tweeting the New Testament.
Seth 12/9/11

Mom: “Prada, Henri Bendel…”
Ali: “Armani, Gucci, DeBeers.”
Dad: “The Coca-Cola Company… Why you laughing?”

Yes! I wanna have sex…. With Santa!
Random Guy on W50th in NYC 12/12/11

He’s too tan for NY!
Ali 12/13/11

He looks like he’s in a boyband.
Ali 12/13/11

“Yeah right. A mafia boss wouldn’t be driving a Ford.”
Dad 12/13/11

I want Danny Elfman to write the soundtrack of my life!
Ali 12/13/11

“I still have clothes in my trunk.”
“Me too. They’re attached to a hobo I murdered before we left for vacation.”
Mom and Ali 12/13/11

I don’t mind darkness. It makes the light so much more impressive.
Ali 12/16/11

Quotations are for the lazy. Say what you think. It means more to the listener.
Ali 12/16/11

If you put Christmas lights on your car, you deserve to be fisted by Santa.
Ali 12/16/11

That is where I’m a Viking. I’m also a Viking when I’m raping townsfolk and pillaging lands. I’d keep you. Time onboard is boring. I’d also share limes with you. I care about you enough to not let you get scurvy.
Ali 12/16/11

It’s Lord Know It All vs Mr. Earnest Believer in a who-cares battle for nothing.
Seth 12/16/11

Five for fifing!
Jackie 12/17/11

I missed the powerplay due to a bunch of cuteness.
Seth 12/17/11

“Was that the end?”
“No, there’s a movie now.”
Mom and Ali 12/18/11

Congrats, you won the lotto and have sickle cell!
Steve 12/21/11

This track should be interesting and funny, and unique BUT we get a vocal delivery of a guy on methadone, and music that probably belongs on Zamfir pan flute album.
[RC] Mike 12/22/11

That’s the nicest god damn Christmas card I’ve ever seen (no offence to the folks on this email that sent one my way. I love you guys but you know it too). I had to look twice because I originally thought it was an oil painting or something that’s how nice it is. Its like art. That little dog. All them presents. Leather books. I bet that room smells great.
Jarrod 12/22/11

Paul: Totally off topic, but how unfunny and generally awful is Larry the Cable Guy? Holy crap that guy sucks.
Josh: He makes more money than you do. -Worthington’s Law
Ali: “Imma fuck this blue chick.” – Sam Worthington’s Law
[RC] 12/23/11

QFP Quotes From Pals November 2011

You can’t buy clothes with foodstamps!
Ali 11/2/11

So obscure, they’re incorrect.
Jamie 11/2/11

I wanna punch you. Come run into my fist.
Ashley 11/2/11

“Take a step back and watch. Who created He-Man?”
“… Bears?”
“No. Hitler. He’s blond, built, and is wearing an iron cross.”
Bro and Ali 11/4/11

You are the Forrest GP of non-sexing sexy situations.
Sharon 11/4/11

“I’ll bet you the whole farm.”
“Do you have a farm?”
“No, but I’ll create a farmville account and give it to you if you’re right.”
Bro and Ali 11/4/11

I’m at least 40% Waits.
Marissa 11/5/11

Peanut butter Nazis is just a good idea.
Logan 11/6/11

Me: Want me to change your opinion of the guy that plays Eric in True Blood?
Steve: I don’t care. Bring it.
Me: He was one of the models in the gasoline fight in Zoolander.
Steve: That… is the best thing I’ve heard all day. I think I like him even more.

That’s like saying the album is for Easter Bunnies only.
[RC] Seth 11/15/11

I’m treating this album like a used band-aid
[RC] Marissa 11/15/11

It sounds like someone told a 3-year old to impersonate the grandparent that they don’t like.
[RC] Marissa 11/15/11

Josh: I can’t look yet. I’m just starting to listen and I don’t wanna me the album in any way.
Seth: I didn’t want me the album either, but you takes your chances on the Record Club wheel.
[RC] 11/16/11

The whole endeavor feels like a Hot Topic full of alt-teens trying too hard to be unique.
[RC] Seth 11/16/11

I don’t want my dinner to be as muddled as Inception.
Ali 11/17/11

K/J-pop has a following here in the US, mostly from Niponphillic otaku who will uncritically consume all things Japanese like a fistful of Pocky.
[RC] Seth 11/22/11

Seth: Of course. I’ve been awake less than two hours and I’ve had a full day’s worth of crushing misfortune, so why not Korean pop?
Mike: Just think back to your long forgotten salad days of being a teenage Korean girl, hanging out at the mall. It’ll bring you a warm nostalgia to brighten your day.
Chris: Back when i used to sell my used panties to vending machine distributors?
Ali: That’s how I made some extra money when i was saving up for the battle academy. Not everyone gets a scholarship.
[RC] 11/22/11

Tops: 화성인 바이러스 I loved the original version done by Sy Snoodles & the Max Rebo Band. This one is a little more artificial.
[RC] Seth 11/22/11

A wombat is like a sideways koala.
Greg 11/26/11

There is so much techno going on in the bathroom upstairs.
Ali 11/27/11

Don’t worry, “How do we justify this to Seth Squires?”, is a permanent fixture on the standard greenlighting checklist forms they sell at Hollywood Staples stores.
[RC] Paul 11/28/11

Josh: Oh I forgot about that. Truly brilliant.
Seth: Did you fuggeddaboudit?
Josh: This fcking guy…
Seth: Hey Manooch! Go get yer fckin shinebox.
Josh: Hey you only exist out here because of me!
Seth: Vincenzo, come to the duck fights!
[RC] 11/28/11

“Hater” implies jealous disapproval of another because of his or her successes. One cannot be a hater if the subject of one’s hate is inherently hate-able by nature.
[RC] Seth 11/29/11

Josh: I don’t know, tongue in cheek only goes so far.
Ali: That’s because there’s a cheek in the way. Embrace your inner Japanese schoolgirl and just stick out your tongue.
Marissa: And sport a peace sign in every picture
[RC] 11/29/11

Marissa: I’m just not as classy as the rest of you guys. I pretty much fall for any kind of music
Ali: Sure… They’re classy… If “classy” can be defined as “those broke a-holes that mulled around the Tower Records in front of the registers when all I wanted to do was get my damn Salt N Pepa CD”.
[RC] 11/29/11

If you’re looking for honesty, the entertainment business isn’t somewhere to start
[RC] Marissa 11/29/11

Marissa: Yes, Paul, grandma and grandpas are still by and large honest, and so are the people who work for charities, again, by and large.
Ali: Um… If that’s the case, my grandmother f***ed JFK.
Marissa: I have a feeling this is a statement a lot of grandmas can make, and probably still be honest about
Paul: Not to blow up your happy place, but Dick Cheney is a grandpa. Think about that.
Ali: To be fair… His friend’s face really did look duck-like.
Marissa: To be fair, those ducks who escaped taxidermy really enjoyed the laugh
[RC] 11/29/11

Paul: The war on Christmas has come to [work address], I see. I’m calling O’reilly
Ali: You can pick a Chanukkah CD if it makes you feel better. Perhaps I should have suggested a nice Snowflake Day mix.
Paul: I’m appalled at your inclusiveness. It’s reeks of Kenyanness
Paul: http://mediamatters.org/blog/201111280002
Ali: Your ability to pull up relevant news doesn’t faze me. I’m still going to sing “Hark the Herald” whilst pelting you with Christmas tree shaped sugar cookies.
Josh: Can you pelt me with Christmas tree Little Debbie cakes?
Ali: Yes, but I’m going to have a large German woman with sweat in her mustache sing “O Tannenbaum” while I’m doing it. This is a “Would you rather” scenario.
[RC] 11/29/11

QFP Quotes From Pals October 2011


According to my numerology, I could’ve been a sea captain.
Pat 10/2/11


I don’t like dying. I’m going to try to avoid that.
Pat 10/2/11


No one would ruin a face this beautiful.
Pat 10/2/11


I’m hip to the drip.
Pat 10/2/11


How many vampires does it take to subdue a toothless bum?
Pat 10/2/11


You’d be surprised how not naked I typically am around other people.
Ali 10/3/11


He looks like a jazzy beatnik.
Seth 10/3/11
“Oh god, this is turning in to one of those discussions where I’m not even certain what the argument is over anymore.”
[RC] Marissa 10/4/11


“It’s [as if] you’re speaking mock-Swedish. I can’t understand what you are trying to say and I never will.”
[RC] Seth 10/4/11


“The children are our future, but you shouldn’t let them convince you that “punk” and “pure” are the same word, it just makes our inboxes explode.”
[RC] Marissa 10/4/11


“To me the whole discussion is you and Paul trying to convince me this fart smells better and more complex than that fart while I am wondering why you are both smelling farts.”
[RC] Seth 10/4/11


“New Kids on the Block – Hanging Tough – finally perfected white boy band pop.  Music dies a little.”
[RC] Michael 10/4/11


“If Brian Wilson had re-directed his focus and called it “God Only Knows Gucci” then maybe there would have been a more relevant surf scene still today.”
[RC] Marissa 10/5/11


“Kreay Shawn is Wallace’s vestigal twin.”
[RC] Ali 10/5/11


“When you marry a gay chick, you get two things: WNBA season tickets and a complete selection of Joan Jett albums.”
[RC] Seth 10/5/11


“He should have never worn that Pokemon shirt on a first date.  Everyone knows that.”
[RC] Marissa 10/5/11


Paul: “Honestly—if a dude showed up for a first date wearing a pokemon shirt, are you returning his calls ever again?”
Marissa: “Is he a really great conversationalist?  Or can he make a fantastic grilled cheese sandwich?  The answers to these questions change the outcome.  I’m not completely shallow.”
Paul: “Ok, how about the aforementioned glow in the dark sweet junk jeans, a Pokemon shirt with a bolo tie, and cowboy boots that have the metal tip on the front?”
Marissa: “If you throw in a handlebar mustache and aviator sunglasses, I’m ironing my “date” dress tonight.”
[RC] 10/5/2011


“Brits can wear skinny jeans. The accent is the greatest apology without actually muttering ‘I’m sorry I look like a hobo’.”
Ali 10/5/11


Paul: “She’s mad underground.”
Seth: “And by mad underground, I mean she’s the insane leader of the mole people, driven to destroy the surfac dwellers. But her 1964 Stax release was still amazing.”
[RC] 10/5/2011


“That’s how I converted my wife. She’s really into the genocidal mutant underworld scene.”
[RC] Seth 10/5/11


Is there a subgenre of beard hipsters? Not bearded hipsters. You could throw a tantrum and hit one of those fuckers.
Ali 10/5/11


I think you’re both forgetting the healing properties of fire…
Greg 10/5/11


“Moment of silence for Optimus and Steve Jobs.”
[RC] Michael 10/6/11


“It would be pretty safe for me to delete the previous 64 emails even without reading them, right?”
[RC] Chris 10/6/11


“It looks like a demented three-way involving a Minotaur and a strap on—yeah, I said it.”
[RC] Paul 10/6/11


When I used to be obsessed with the English monarchy…
Christy 10/8/11


La la la… Selling dreams… Kissing babies….
Kerry 10/8/11


It’s like wiping your face with a belly dancer.
Ali 10/8/11


Half and half backwards is flah flah!
Tommy 10/8/11


“I’m just glad there’s no “pink parts” magic card.”
[RC] Seth 10/12/11


“I’ll just randomly come back to thinking about being blindfolded by my own pants.  Oh hello nightmares, that’s what you were waiting for to happen in my life.”
[RC] Marissa 10/12/11


“When I was a wee little boy, my parents taught me, if you’re gonna rape someone, bring a buddy and blindfold.”
[RC] Paul 10/12/11


“Now we know why hipsters wear bandanas. Hipsters are potential rapists.”
[RC] Ali 10/12/11


“You got drunk in your cube today and didn’t invite anyone. No fair.”
[RC] Josh 10/12/11


It’s like an ironic rape whistle.
Katie 10/13/11


Sometimes you’re on the phone with a dick in your mouth.
Vicki 10/13/11


Oh sure, cause nothing said “brooding” like flannel shirts and a top hat.
Ali 10/13/11


I have never seen an icicle shaped like a dick.
Ali 10/13/11


I don’t need to know Hobbits aren’t real either.
[RC] Seth 10/14/11


Sure they are well presented by advanced engineering, but entirely biological.
[RC] Seth 10/14/11


Were I to do it again, I’d make the tournament about “poppy” music, not pop music. Or I’d just harvest actual poppies and become an afghan warlord.
Since I goofed the capitalization, I would have to become the leader of a violent criminal crocheted throw smuggling organization.
[RC] Seth 10/14/11


You’re a really pretty girl!
Eowyn (to Adam) 10/14/11


It’s the fight club of card games!
Nick 10/14/11


My dad is rubbing off on everyone! … Can I rephrase that?
Yeah I think I’m gonna give you a mulligan.
Ali and Jackie 10/15/11


“Marissa, you are not rain man.”
[RC] Ali 10/18/11


“This is country music for people who can read.”
[RC] Seth 10/18/11


CAN WE DO THAT?!?!?! Think of the stalwart adventures we would have! You be Otis. I’ll be Milo… you know… without all of those deaths.
[RC] Ali 10/18/11


“I used to mix their name up with another hardcore band called Shai Halud.”
[RC] Paul 10/20/11


The whole thing feels like musical jambalaya if the ingredients were “Dark Side of the Moon” “Tommy” and “London Calling” and then if there was angry screaming added on top like sour cream.
[RC] Marissa 10/20/11


Lacking specific knowledge and being stupid are two separate conditions.
[RC] Seth 10/20/11


It really WAS a sausage party!
Joy 10/22/11


Joy 10/22/2011


I miss having a dog but I really want to have a horse.
Pat 10/23/11


Fondling the spirits.
Steve 10/23/11


It’s like diabetic Russian roulette.
Greg 10/23/11


I can make you cum with my mind… and, of course, my vagina.
Jeri 10/24/11


Pick a track at random, skip to the 2:30 mark, get a sonic two by four to the head.
[RC] Josh 10/25/11


Hey, do your thing man. Maybe you can break your own record. Or write lyrics for the Beastie Boys.
[RC] Josh 10/25/11


Ali: Sad, whiny, faux-folk music that either belongs in Grey’s Anatomy or if Zach Braff decides to make another sh***y movie it will be the song listened to by the quirky girl with a mix of mild Asperbergers and tourettes that he thinks he’ll be in love with forever.
Marissa: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be this pragmatic. Your description of chicks in Zach Braff movies really takes the romance out of it all, despite the fact that it’s absolutely spot on.
[RC] 10/25/2011


Everyone should just read a John Grisham novel and learn to defend themselves.
[RC] Marissa 10/27/11


America is dumb enough without a steady viewing diet of bullshit presented as fact.
[RC] Seth 10/27/11