Where are my pants?

SETH: Left my phone at home today. Feel like I forgot my pants.
SETH: That explains the “WHERE ARE MY PANTS?” tweet from last week.
ALI: That actually happens more than I tweet it does.
SETH: Is coming home without your pants part of your plan to simplify your moving? Less pants = less packing?
ALI: I actually lose them at my house. In an empty room. I think I should see an eye doctor before my insurance cuts out.

Jay-Z, Mauve, and Dementia

SETH: Ugh. I can’t wait until I am super wealthy and start flipping off people as a hobby.
ALI: I’m saving that for dementia.
SETH: Elderly Ali will be wearing a giant squirrel costume while dancing in the Safeway parking lot and shouting “MY FAVORITE COLOR IS MAUVE, DICKWEEDS!”
SETH: Including mauve?
ALI: Nope. Green is my favorite color.
SETH: All my favorite ladies love the green. (That may have been a Jay-Z lyric.)
ALI: You know a lot of Jay Z for someone that doesn’t like Jay Z.
SETH: Van Helsing knows a lot about vampires…
ALI: Not really. He just knows that a stick will kill them.
SETH: A stick will hurt Jay-Z as well.

I don’t know what the point of sharing this conversation is. I think it’s to show you that Seth thinks I’m going to be AWESOME when I have dementia.

Seth and I Email About Game of Thrones

Seth: Balon thinks he’s soooo cool for a guy who’s 2 letters away from Balloon.
Ali: add an accent and he is a French balloon.
Seth: Stop making better jokes than me.
Ali: No. I’m not going to cripple my one liners because you are feeling inadequate. Put on your big boy pants!
Seth: “They won’t let me work without pants anymore.”
Ali: That’s why you’ll never work in daycare again. That and the constant napping.

Food and Fergie – The Record Club is insane.

Seth: Facts Marissa may not know: The béchamel is the easiest of the classic French mother sauces to make.
Marissa: Oh, facts I may not know is, I’m sure, a multi-volume encyclopedia. I also think it’s hilarious that you’d think I’d make French sauces in every day life. The only way I’m making those is if I take up cooking classes in the actual country. Maybe Julia Child had it right….
Seth: I am calling bullsheet on that. In fact, I am teaching you a béchamel next time you are at the house.
Ali: Isn’t he married to Fergie?
Marissa: Yeah he’s the one who dubbed her “Lady Lumps” and then cheated on her with a stripper. And fought robots…some of whom looked like Katherine Heigl
Seth: If you make an apl.de.appetizer or Will.I.Ham joke you’re getting a spanking.
Josh: Don’t forget the Tabooli.

I wish I had photoshop, because this gave me so many ideas.

Seth: We need matching superpowered jewelry.

Ali: Agreed!

Seth: FORM OF… a cynical fortysomething!

Ali: NO. I’m twenty friggin eight. I’m not skipping my thirties.

Seth: That was my power, to turn into what I am already. I may have paid too much for this superring.

Ali: How much did you pay?

Seth: 2 quarters. It was in a machine in front of Toys r Us

Ali: At least you didn’t go to Crazy Manny’s Quality Discount Mutation Emporium. That dude is cray-cray.

Seth: But that place got three thumbs up from Mutation Monthly…

Ali: You should never trust twelve fingered Larry. He’s a terrible reviewer and you know he takes kickbacks.

Seth: With all those feet, how can he avoid the kickbacks? And Larry has a lot of mouths to feed.

Ali: Yeah… I felt bad when I heard that his wife gave birth to a face full of mouths. Her triboobs must have been so sore!

Seth: Of all the triboob movies, Paul was so much better than Total Recall.

Ali: You ruined pretend time. No cookie for you.

Seth: Honestly, movie references were the worksafest path for me to steer the triboobs. You know what I am like.


If you want to buy me photoshop, you can send money to my paypal.com account cranialspasm (AT) gmail (DOT) com

Nerdgasmatron! Tricorders, Ewoks and Prometheus. Oh my!

Mike: Coming Soon – The World Gets One Step Closer To a Working Tricorder http://gizmodo.com/5897395/the-world-gets-one-step-closer-to-a-working-tricorder

Seth: Nice try “tech geek”. Dilithium crystals are used in warp cores, not diagnostic equipment. *hits inhaler*

Josh: This has been out for years.

Mike: Here’s some nerdgasm for you… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trilithium
List of fictional elements, materials, isotopes and atomic particles

Josh: I thought adamantium was an element for a good ten years.

Marissa: I won’t care about any of this until I can either have a real live Ewok butler whom I’ll name Rolf and who will only respond to everything with Yub Yub, or I can take light saber lessons and get certified, even if I have to wait 3 months for my purple light saber

Seth: Have you ever considered what Ewoks must smell like?

Mike: Or that they eat human flesh?

Seth: Which makes them even gassier.

Marissa: Can’t be worse than what a bird must smell like. I’ll just demand that Rolf bathe at least twice a week. I mean he’ll be an indoor ewok, so I really feel like the smell won’t be terrible.
Rolf won’t eat human flesh… or maybe I’ll make a deal a local hospital. You guys are really overthinking this.

Josh: You’re the one with a cadaver plan already worked out.

Seth: Have fun changing Ewok diapers full of used people.

Marissa: Everyone should have a cadaver planned worked out! If you don’t already, I don’t want you on my zombie survival team

Mike: A pet is a responsibility lady, it’s possible you’re underthinking it.

Marissa: Trust me, I understand the responsibility. That knowledge is the only reason I haven’t relieved a local shelter of some awesome animal yet. But by the time Ewoks are here, hopefully I’ll be in a more financially suitable position. I might even get two..they’re social creatures and I think we all know what happens when you separate one from another.
Ewoks are totally litterbox trainable…I’ll just have a Port-A-Box outside

Seth: Make sure your Ewok groomer clips around the tail.

Mike: Are you even zoned for ewoks? Do you know your town ordinances?

Seth: Come to think of it, if Ridley Scott replaced the xenomorphs with Ewoks I would definitely pay to see Prometheus in 3d.


*I love excuses

Star Who? Doctor Trek?


Seth: Wait, WHAT?


Seth: The 11th and Captain Picard fight the Cybermen and the Borg. If it doesn’t happen, everyone turns into robots.
You don’t want to be a robot, do you?

Ali: You know that I do.

Seth: Well, you WOULD make a hawt borg or cyberlady… Hey, how did the American show have the least exploitive character design?

Ali: I’m part Swedish, so technically I’d be Börg.

Work Emails: Taxidermy & Self Oppression

Marissa: Oh and I was hanging out at pharmacies before listening to this album, and also have contemplated collecting taxidermy, but I was thinking more of starting with this piece, not owls….because owls always look like they’re watching me. I like my dead animals stuffed to look alive to look as dormant as possible:


Marissa: Actually, I think I’ve really found the one that I want. This would make the mantle on any fireplace better…I also want to make them tiny Native American headdresses and garb because I like to be as offensive as possible to new guests.


Marissa: In my mind, the inspiration for this piece came from the owners’ constant viewing of Pochahontas.

Seth: And the first was from Aladdin?
BTW, be sure your Google is set for strict safe search before you look for Disney tigers. It’s a sick world out there.


Seth: As the Native American in the RC, let me thank you for the blankets.

Ali: Seth, HALF of you is Native American. The other half of you OPPRESSED Native Americans.
… Your body must constantly be at war with itself.

Seth: My oppressor half managed to oppress the Possamaquoddy and Irish fractions equally.

Marissa: But the good news is that his immune system is only HALF as susceptible to the pox

Seth: But between that and the potato blight…

Repost: Why People Don’t Ask Me What I Want

I had to repost this, because it made me laugh really hard.


Andrea : What is your fave candy?
Ali: Why?
Ali: I need to know why cause I don’t wannt make the wrong decision!!!!!
Andrea : Don’t ask ques! Lol
Andrea : Omfg
Andrea : If someone were to buy u some candy what would u want?
Ali: Cadbury mini eggs
Andrea : Of course
Ali: Hah! Now you don’t know WHAT to do
Andrea : Whore!
Andrea : Lol
Andrea : Fine no candy 4 u!
Ali: Nooooo
Andrea : What kind do u like that is available ALL YEAR?
Ali: Peanutbutter m&ms, skittles, milkyway dark, turtles (I love pecans) um… Canada mints…
Andrea : Ok that’s good enough
Andrea : Thank u!
Ali: Lol!
Ali: Banana laffy taffy!
Ali: Runts!
Ali: Chocolate covered peanuts!
Ali: Gummy worms!
Ali: You can’t stop a candy rant!
Ali: Nerds!
Andrea : Oh boy! Lol
Ali: Milk chocolate bunnies that are built like supermodels (hollow inside)
Andrea : Roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ali: Oh and those take five thingums with the peanut butter and caramel and motha fucking pretzel that just makes me want to kiss the crap out of anyone!
Ali: Bees.
Ali: No wait!
Ali: Not bees!
Ali: If you promise me candy and hand me a box full of bees we’re going to have words
Ali: They’re mostly going to be “ahhhh bees”
Andrea : What have I done?
Andrea : Lololol
Andrea : Lol
Andrea : But I had a good reason!
Ali: Yes. Let’s not discuss that reason or I might start listing things again.