Yesterday, Casey and I Gave Thanks

Casey: I’m thankful for Ali.
Ali: QUIT STALKING ME!
Casey: I dos what I likes and I likes what I dos.
Ali: Do you likes pepper spray?
Ali: Alright. I don’t have pepper spray. I just have perfume and it smells delicious.
Casey: Probably doesn’t taste great, like pepper spray does.
Ali: It’s perfect on steak.
Casey: I prefer the perfume on steak.
Ali: IS THERE NO PLEASING YOU?
Casey: YOU’RE RUINING THANKSGIVING.
Ali: I THOUGHT THE PILGRIMS DID THAT!
Casey: Too soon.
Ali: Yeah. I’m gonna go outside and pour out for my Mayflowa’s
Casey: respek

Casey is a laugh riot. You should follow her on Twitter.

Australia Must Be A Magical Place

I think that one of my next vacation destinations will be Australia. Mainly because an Aussie facebook buddy has made a promise.

Alison ALEX IF I EVER GO TO AUSTRALIA, PLEASE LET ME HOLD A FUCKING KOALA!
Alex You’re so lucky, because it is absolutely my decision to make, so yes. You may hold a koala.
Alex I have one right here ..
Alex QUZiT TRYING TO FUCK THE KOOKABURRA!
Alex Horny little bastard
Alex Or quit*
Dana  Koala Queen??
Alison QUZiT would be the name of my Koala.
Alison He would be my best friend and we would solve crime together.
Alison Cause… You know Australia… Criminals.
Alex Fucking rife
Alison I just think it would be a buddy cop/stoner feature film. QUIZiT would eat some leaves and fall asleep while in pursuit on his tiny moped.
Alex LET’S DO THIS
Alison I want this to happen so hard!
September 27, 2011

Epiphany, MVST, and Taxidermy (Oh My!)

I had a bunch of people come up to me this weekend and tell me I’m hysterical on Facebook. At first I thought “Oh balls. People are actually paying attention to me. I should stop being crazy.” Then I remembered that I had to talk myself out of wearing a tutu on Sunday. I might be a little eccentric, but that’s who I am and I’m not about to apologize for it.

After the tenth person stopped by I realized that my long time (17 years) July weekend family was FINALLY meeting ME. For many celebrations, I had spent my time walking around the green as “Tom’s daughter”. Even though I didn’t mind it, there was a certain person that I thought I needed to be. I think I realized that I was actually just being myself this weekend when I was chatting with everyone. The conversations were less forced and more enjoyable. I did curb my profanity for a few people (and I was SHOCKED that I could manage that) but I consider that to be respectful of the comfort levels of others. [If you are one of those people, I apologize in advance for what is inevitable when I’m writing.]

I think that caring about what everyone thinks of you is okay unless it prevents you from actually being who you are. Confusing? I hope not. I used to have an idea of what other people perceived from me and would alter myself accordingly. So in essence, I created the perceptions in the first place.

I told Lisa that life started to get a lot easier when I stopped caring what a lot of people thought of me. I have had this three year rebirth into the person that I am. I know that it seems shallow, but a lot of my hang ups had a lot to do with my own feelings of self worth. It was very low and I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t change I would probably have found something terrible for me or would have dipped back into old habits.

A part of me feels like a horrible person for claiming that I had it rough. I grew up in a two parent household with a steady, comfortable income. I have parents that love me and want what they consider to be best for me. I have an amazing group of friends that continues to grow and surprise me daily.

The reason why I had it rough was because I felt like I wasn’t worth it. I didn’t like myself, so I assumed that no one else would. But guess what? I have done things that scare me within the last three years and I feel amazing for it. I have all of these memories and a bunch of people that I have known forever who are just getting to know me.

This weekend was amazing. The newest thing added to the celebration was that a bunch of daredevils known as the Maximum Velocity Stunt Team (www.mvst.com) did these awesometaculous stunts on skateboard and bike and I got the opportunity to photograph a few of their sets. Every time they got massive air, flipped upside down, landed in a way that I would assume would either sprain or break an ankle… I was terrified for them.

Matt slayed the crowd on his flatboard. Rob spun out his bike with reckless abandon. Brandon bitchslapped every backflip. Bobby arched off of the course entirely and almost ended up in the river. I prepped myself to run over and administer medical attention if I was needed. But as I recharged my camera in the RV and looked through my pictures I saw two things even more amazing then the stunts.

I saw sheer happiness and complete surrender. In each stunt the performer is focused, but when you reach the point of no return there is a moment of surrender where they have not only prepared to accept the outcome, their expression is that of pure bliss.

I don’t even remember which one took a spill, but he immediately got up. I probably would have shouted “FUCK THIS!” kicked/punched at the air and quit. Instead he immediately climbed back on his bike, and nailed it seconds later.

I know that was strange for me to bring up during a moment of self discovery, but stay tuned. It makes sense.

There are a lot of things that I don’t do because I am a super control freak, but there are also a lot of things that I want to do but limit myself on. I want the bliss of surrendering and the happiness of completing my objective.

Weird. I intended this to be a recap of the weekend, but I wrote this instead. I still owe you guys a recap of the Starfish Circus and a recap of the weekend. Am I missing something I should recap or rant on?

Also… To keep it weird (because that is who I am and I’m totally okay with that), here’s a recent conversation with my bestie via email.

Me: I wish I had a wooden leg with a trick compartment. I’d make so much money sitting on the side of the road.
S: A piggy bank may help as well.
Me: Having a piggy bank on a sidewalk makes it a lot easier to be stolen from than a wooden leg.
S: Make it a mean looking pig. Like a boar bank.
Me: Do you think they actually make taxidermy piggy banks?
S: With all the pigs raised for lunch in this culture, and all the weirdo hicks, someone must have at some point.
Me: Hope so. Life would be so much sunnier.
S: If a RealPig* piggy bank is what you want for your post-Lotto gift, ok.
Me: No I’d prefer financial security and occasional ticklefights.**

* RealPig needs to happen. But don’t send it to me. Taxidermists can’t get the look of fear out of the animal faces***.
**In my opinion, I’d win.
***It’s really bad with squirrels. Always so terrified.
**** I just wanted to write another one of these. Poop. Teehee!

20110712-030218.jpg

Dear Mark Zuckerberg: A @Nerdist Lament

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

It seems like forever since the last time I asked you to stop allowing people to tag me in shit that has nothing to do with me. How’ve you been? Things have been great here. Glad we caught up.

So every now and again when I am roving the facebook jungle I look over to the section of “people you may know”. Occasionally it reminds me that I have forgotten in my webscanning times to add someone that I know (or know of) and I quickly remedy that situation.

But seriously dude… Let’s cut the suggestions if the person cannot have anymore friends.

I occasionally get an invitation to add Chris Hardwick as a friend, then when I attempt to do so you sneer in my face and go “NO! NO FRIEND FOR YOU!”

Just saying. If you’d like me to make friends on your little website, perhaps you should program in your database that those that already have too many friends are not allowed. Cut them out of that little bit of programming. I’m not a program designer by any means, but I think that telling someone that they should do something and then telling them that they can’t is a lot like promoting a concert and then refusing to sell tickets.

Hugs,

Ali

NEWS of Newsyness! (Newsiness?! I don’t know. Somewhere my iPhone is puking.)

Okay, so recently I entered to win a ticket to the Wilbur Theatre from THIS GUY! (as read on a Nerdist podcast)

I listened to the podcast, saw the video and thought “good lord I make too many friends on the other side of the US. I should move.”

So in a fit of work boredom I decided to enter. Here was my entry.

“Hello Chris,

1. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about Boston. Whenever I go there I have someone from the area that takes me places while I’m drunk. I think it’s a town secret and in order to bring someone somewhere they need to be completely inebriated.

I do, however, have a car and live close. Have car. Will travel.

2. I’m about a 2 hour drive away in CT. When I found out about the Wilbur Theatre performance I posted a bunch of comments on both facebook and my twitter feed (@Cranialspasm). Seeing as none of my friends wanted to go there, I have been sad ever since.

I had a friend that wanted to go, but found out that Chris would be in Chicopee the evening before and that is closer to us. We’re going. Then I find out Phirman is going to be at the Wilbur. I need new friends.

And as you did for Chris, here is more info than you may want to know about me. If I have any inner monologue as I’m typing this, it’s going to be included.
Name: Alison Baziak
Age: 28 (no wait… 27? I was born June ’83. 27. Right.)
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Heteroflexible (Brown chicken brown cow! Sidenote: The BCBC joke was initially told to me by a six year old)
Sexual Ability: Decent! (High five!)
Religion: I guess that I approach the internet with crazed devotion, but if I were to give it a title.. (fuck)… Okay apparently I fail at that. If we’re talking about an innate belief of something, “don’t be a dick” is the closest I’ll be able to give you right now.
Political Leaning: If there is a fuckyeahsarahpalin account on tumblr, a thousand hipster heads will explode.
Special Skills:
– Sarcasm
– crazy life stories (accidentally stabbed myself, ran from a bear)
– the ability to transcribe the funny shit said around me (and by me – it’s actually posted on cranialspasm.com/category/quotes-from-pals – if we hang out, you’d most likely make my April list if you make me laugh)
– writing (especially drunken rants)
– getting my mom to say funny shit on camera (youtube.com/cranialspasm)
– taking pictures. I’m pretty awesome with that
– not crying while getting tattooed (even the Bride of Frankenstein bust I had done on my right leg)
– being able to tell you if you are looking at a lesbian, or looking at Justin Bieber
Future Aspirations:
I’m going to write a book. Or finish one of the seven that I’ve started.
I’m going to sing on a Broadway stage (I don’t care if there is an audience)
I’m going to do karaoke with Chris Hardwick.
Turn Ons: Pretty much everything
Turn Offs: Pretty much everything (I’m a girl and can probably break someone’s jaw if I needed to, so I hold the keys to my vagina. Nope… Honda… Those are Honda keys. And that’s a hybrid, not a vagina.

If I don’t win the contest, I might buy a ticket anyways. So even if I don’t win, we might be able to meet and high five emphatically somewhere (maybe even in front of Hardwick).

Also, I should be working right now. That’s gotta count for something.”

I know, I’m amazing right? He’d have to pick me!

So, a few days ago he posts the results in video format. I would embed/link to it, but YouTube TwatSwatted me away.

Anyways, I didn’t watch the whole thing right away. I got angry, then I got sad, then I played some ukulele, got sad again… Well… You can just see my reaction.

So it turns out, I will be seeing Hardwick at the HuKeLau on 4/8 then shipping up to Boston for a noodle story filled day 4/9. a weekend of Hardwick.

The funniest thing is that I’m sure he’ll be like “that girl wore all of her Nerdy clothing just that weekend” and I’ll be all “shut up someone elses brain, that’s the only clothing I own” and his brain will be all “you only own two outfits?” and I’ll be all “no, I just don’t own anything that doesn’t have nerdy stuff on it and YOU KNOW WHAT? For having a site called Nerdist, you sure are being judgemental about my TMNT backpack”.

Man… I’m so mad right now. Damn you fictional account of Chris Hardwick’s judgemental brain.

Oh yeah. Also? Christopher Coleman likes scotch and that grants a +5 Charisma modifier against Ali.

Hehehe

Perhaps a little bit of background is in order. When Casey came up for Monster Mania in Jersey, Lance Armstrong was there. She kept pestering us to go, but I was the only one with a car and didn’t want to leave anyone sitting at the hotel going WTF?

So needless to say, mentioning this makes her irritated and adorable. Which is why I continue to mention it.

OH! And the whole Lamps Hamstring?

Hamstring came from Monster Mania. I honestly didn’t know his last name. I knew who I was talking about but just didn’t know his last name. Not that into sports. Hopefully he’s an athlete. If he’s a rapper I’m going to look like more of an idiot.

Lamps came from a drunken ramble from this weekend. I think I said it, but I could be blurrily mistaken.