Have you ever felt the urge to do something but lacked the motivation to do so?
Occasionally it feels that my life is plagued by procrastination and blame. “I’ll wait until I have some free time to myself to write.” “I can’t write because I put so much into work when I get home I need to decompress.” These are just two of the many excuses I give.
Yes, I do write more when I have time to myself but in this economy… I need to keep working. I can’t assume that life is going to be less hectic. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life isn’t going to slow down for anyone.
As for me thinking that work gets in the way of everyone… Uh… J.K. Rowling wrote her first book on napkins while waiting tables in London (or something like that. She was a working mom and went home to her children every day.)
As much as I was determined to not let the many rejection notices I had gotten from many different agents on the East Coast get to me… they did. It squashed my desire to write. I wanted to make the most of NaNoWriMo last November to flesh out a skeleton I have had in my back pocket for quite some time. That didn’t happen.
Sometimes I worry that the only thing I can manage to write are rants and reviews. I think that is more based on the fear of failure, or that my work isn’t good enough. It’s not that I doubt the genuine replies from friends when they get a chance to read something I’ve written and they like it. It’s a bit more introspective.
For a lot of people, their childhoods and young adult lives are chock full of moments when someone tells you that “you’re not good enough”. You’re too fat, too thin, too dumb, too smart to speak with people, too introverted, too extroverted…
Why is it that we inherently take that as how we are truly viewed by everyone? Do we assume that because our friends like us, they are afraid to share their true feelings? Do we assume that a perfect stranger has a better grasp on what the general public will like?
As much as people say that they don’t care what other people think, the majority of the people on the internet are there because they want attention. I’d say a heavy percentage of those people want people to like them. A smaller percentage feel that getting negative feedback ups their noteriety, in turn making them famous.
Let’s face it. A lot of us have self esteem issues. I’m thinking that if there isn’t something you’re insecure about you might be too dumb to realize it (see what I did there?).
We are constantly shown by someone else what we should like. Many times it turns out that what I like on television isn’t liked by everyone so it is removed only to become a cult hit years later (*cough* Firefly *cough*).
I don’t know. I’m rambling just because I need to write something. I have the itch to write but every time my fingers hit the keypad to write the story that I want to get out of my brain, I freeze.
What if people don’t like it? What if I’m deluding myself about my talent. All it takes is one person to go “Nah… Don’t like it” for me to think “oh… I should probably stop then.” But inside, I think about being so crippled that I’m not taking any risks. That it’s probably the stupidest thing that I have ever done.
I wish that I could just blink and have the story out of my head. When I hit a block I wonder if my vocabulary is stunted. I think that if I am unable to convey a scene in my head, perhaps I don’t have the intelligence or ability to express myself.
Doubt destroys creativity.