Batman Was Probably a Shitty Kid

Dear Batman,
Share the wealth. I know that you’ve probably run out of room on your walls for your plaques for generous contributions to random charities. That’s great. You’re handing out money, but look at what you actually have. For now, I’m going to not even include the visible part of Wayne Manor. Let’s talk about the Batcave and the inventions therein.

You have all of these really cool computer programs (how did you manage that by the way?) and quality equipment that would make local law enforcement more efficient. Do you know how crazy it is to get DNA results that quickly? When you test blood and urine it takes HOURS. Your computer goes *BleepBloop* and there you go. It’s Harleen Quinzel. (Tangent – What is wrong with Gotham water? Does everyone with a doctorate go insane?)

You have all of these fantastic toys – the batmobile, batarang, shark repellant. Why don’t you share that last one with surfers? YOU COULD SAVE LIVES, BRO! Think of how many leaps in science can be made if you just shared your toys.

I bet you were a really shitty kid.

Sincerely,
Ali

P.S. Sorry about your parents.

 

(I wrote this awhile ago and found it in my drafts and it made me laugh. It was first drafted on 8/31/11.)

QFP July 2012

Come on! Gimme some sky candy!
JonB 7/3/12

He’s like the Joe Pesci of dogs.
Slack 7/4/12

Just saying that made me want to become an arsonist.
JonB 7/4/12

I’ve got an advanced downward facing dog.
Pat 7/4/12

If you have speedbumps on your cock, you got a knowledge about some shit.
Bro 7/4/12

I don’t feel bad about poultry, because they’re essentially lizards.
Patrick 7/11/12

Bro: I like the pimps and hos analogy.
Pat: It’s pretty much the same except less gonorrhea.
7/11/12

Ali: Do we change time zones today?
Mom: Do we?
Ali: We’re the worst travelers ever!
7/13/12

Mom: Tie bump to the door?
Ali: Five bucks at the door!
7/13/12

WoS001: Florida is the Worst State in Connecticut

Here it is folks!

Hectic times have ceased, so I am introducing you to the newest podcast I’m involved in!

“Whisky on Sunday!”

Seth and I started this BEFORE I moved, but I didn’t have time to set this up. There will be a new episode every Sunday (maybe a few specials if we get backlogged with recordings). Right now, we have 6 episodes banked, so my recap of moving may be pushed ahead. Any episode that we skip over posting immediately will be posted, but it will be in order of being banked.

I promise you I will also write a recap of moving soon. at the moment I have some more IKEA to put together. I miss all of you terribly.

 

OH!

 

I was also on a previous episode of “Tales From the Attic”, my other friend Seth’s podcast (Episode 66)

and if you haven’t been watching, my mom and I have been doing Roadtrip Recaps on Youtube

AND… Since I am no longer in a state that doesn’t allow it, I have joined the Amazon Associate/Affilite program. It doesn’t cost you anything, but if you do an Amazon Search using the link I just posted, it’ll send a tiny percentage of your buy towards me. I know… pandering, but please bookmark it and use the link. It doesn’t cost you anything, and without using it you’re missing out on helping out someone whose content you enjoy.

‘Kay, I love you, bye!

Play

This is why Seth should never send out mass emails.

Seth sent the picture to a group of people. “Reply All” was then turned to a brainstorm session. However, we’ve fleshed out the best show ever.

20120706-060928.jpg

Seth: I have decided if this were a cop show called “Sharkasaur Squad” it would be my favorite thing ever.
Ali: “He was a shark with a chip on his shoulder. HE was the last velociraptor with everything to lose. Together, this fall on G4 they are… SHARKASAUR SQUAD.”
Seth: “Dammit, Bitey, you don’t even have shoulders! You pull a stunt like that again and I’ll have your badges!”
Marissa: This is clearly a vengeance movie in which the Velociraptor is going after that dirty dino mob that took out his family, or so he thinks. What he won’t know until the end is that the Sharks are the one running everything and now his best bud has to pick what side he’s on, The Raps or the Sharks. It’s a set-up to the West Side Story musical-esque sequel
Ali: Movies are sooooooo 2010. TV series or no deal!
Seth: Bitey Finnegan and Rend Tearasaur are the streets last hope.
Ali: You’d think that they wouldn’t listen to Chief Egrit. I mean, he’s not even a bird of prey and he has such a wobbly, long neck, but they are TERRIFIED about losing their badges!
Seth: You wouldn’t know it now, but back before he was chief, Snowy was the toughest cop in town.

Quotes From Pals: June – Parawana Fishes

30 shades of flannel.
Seth 6/2/12

Put a blacklight under the table and it’s like the billion boy battlefield.
Ali 6/8/12

*sung* Milo Ventimiglia- ah ha!
Ali 6/8/12

The only thing hot about her is that she has the psycho killer eyes.
Steve 6/8/12

If you could fist your earrings, you’re probably a whore.
Ash 6/8/12

Ash: I’m gonna kill you.
Steve: I always figured you would one day.
6/8/12

Ash: Stake to the heart!
Ali: Yep. That’s how you solve AIDS.
6/9/12

Jess: I wanna get my tonsils taken out so I can get free ice-cream.
Ali: Really? ‘Cause we’re going to get some free right now and you don’t need surgery.
6/12/12

Jess: I don’t want you calling me and saying that you got hurt from a volcano.
6/12/12

Mom: “I wish my eye would stop tearing.”
Ali: “Well stop putting your fingers in it!”
6/12/12

Jess: My mom doesn’t get sarcasm
Ali: Yes she does! You’re not doing it right.
6/12/12

Sea Turtle!
Jess 6/12/12

They are just letting you know that bears have happened to cross the street.
Laura 6/12/12

I’m smarter than a seventh grader, I just don’t know facts.
Mom 6/12/12

You’d be amazed at how tired you get when there is nothing to do.
Ali 6/12/12

Mom: Who would come from a different state to come here?
Laura: We did.
6/12/12

Mom: Have you ever seen a porcupine?
Jess: Yeah. Dead.
6/12/12

Parawana fish?
Jess 6/12/12

Cow-Turkey?
Mom 6/12/12

Non-alcohol free.
Jess 6/12/12

Cataract bears!
Ali 6/12/12

They must have a lot of oxygen in this state because they have so many trees.
Mom 6/12/12

I’m gonna write that down! … You got a pen I can use?
Jess 6/12/12

The car rules are written on the outside of the car.
Mom 6/12/12

Laura: It’s been four miles since that “Moose Crossing for the next four miles.”
Ali: You should call Vermont and scream “THIS IS BULLSHIT!”
6/12/12

I wanna see a moose.
Mom 6/12/12

From Florida, take an east.
Mom 6/13/12

Do you have a gun we can borrow?
Jess 6/13/12

Ash: You should be serving us.
Steve: I can serve you smiles.
6/16/12

I do not live in a family of puppies.
JonB 6/16/12

Rust is luxurious… If you’re into high-end steampunk.
Jon 6/16/12

You are like the vampire of fun.
Ashley 6/28/12

Nothing beats a good interoffice skull-fucking.
Ali 6/28/12

You can punch yourself in the back of the head, but it’s better when it’s unexpected. It’s like a surprise party that may cause brain damage.
Ali 6/28/12

Kittenbritch Otterbatch!

Ali: I think if someone arranged for me to have a night with Benedict Cumberbatch, it would probably be an evening of us awkwardly staring at each other.
I would still like that to happen.
Marissa: I have that night every night when I put the Sherlock DVD or Last Enemy (he’s pretty hot in that too) on and just pause the screen
Seth: Well, we already had your going away/birthday party so it’s a little late to tell us now. Jackie had suggested the Cumberbatch escort service but it got voted down.
Ali: WHY WOULD ANY OF YOU HAVE VOTED THAT DOWN?!??!
Marissa: I didn’t even bother voting. As in most elections, I just assumed that everyone would vote in the most logical manner and that my voice wasn’t necessary. I failed you the same way I’ve failed my municipal government countless times
Seth: He did a lot of weird scratching during the interview.
Marissa: That’s just because he’s allergic to cats…
Seth: If he knew he was allergic, why did he show up with 14 kittens in his trousers?
Marissa: Not all of his trousers were kittens…duh
Ali: I’m pretty sure that your kitten-trouser logic is flawed, Marissa. You only need them in the pair you’re in to get itchy.
Ali: Are you sure it was him and not an otter? Some people can’t tell the difference.
Seth: We asked for ID.
Marissa: If I ever own a show otter I’m going to name him, “The Right Honourable Detective B. Cumberbatch III”
Ali: I think that would look lovely on the birthday party invites to the pond.

Oh Hai. Long Time…

It’s been a really long time since I made a post. I’m sure I could have written something awhile ago, but I needed some time to unplug and relax. The last 2-3 weeks have been both hectic and wonderful. I’ll have to bullet it all to get it in.

– My friends Jackie and Nick hosted a farewell shindig for me* and I was amazed at how many of my friends were able to attend.
– I finally reserved an apartment in Oregon and have put down a deposit.
– I gave my letter of resignation to my employer well in advance so I would be able to train my replacement.
– My parents hosted a gathering of family and friends as a Bon Voyage for me*.
– I went to Foxwoods with my Dad and Aunt and we stayed overnight. I left $50 richer, so that was great.
– We took a trip up to the Ben and Jerry’s factory in Vermont, AKA: THE LONGEST DRIVE FOR ICECREAM EVER, followed by a similarly long drive to a chateau and spent a night by the fire, reading and talking to each other. It was lovely.
– Went to the Yankee Candle factory in Massachusetts and made a candle to bring with me that my Aunt, Mom, Dad, and Cousin helped to make.
– We returned home on my birthday and my brother and sister-in-law had cooked dinner and it was delicious and wonderful.
– I had my last appointment with my therapist. Then it sunk it that this was happening soon and I got really worried. But, I know that as long as I stay proactive with my mental health I will find someone on the West coast.
– We celebrated my mom’s birthday and father’s day (which is shitty, but we had to do it that way because they were so close).
– Had a great dinner with some of my friends from my hometown and talked into the wee hours of the evening. I didn’t look at my phone once.
– Went to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Brave in a double feature day followed by Karaoke at the Corner Pocket in Orange.
– Banked a few episodes of podcasts.

I completely apologize for not posting podcasts the last few weeks for Memoirs of a Gamer. I’ve been incredibly busy and still have so much more that I need to do prior to my move, but it WILL be back!

Hopefully everyone is having a fantastic month. June has been great to me. I hope it has to all of you.

*It was great to have a bunch of people attend, but it’s strange being the guest of honor to things. It’s hard to divide the time to appreciate everyone when you want to hang out with all of them. It’s not like you can shout “OKAY! EVERYBODY IN A CIRCLE!” and then force them to all converse in the same room so you can absorb bits and pieces.

A Love Note to My Self on My Birthday

5/8/12

Ali,

 

Well, first off… Happy Birthday! You’re 29 (Yes, you are. I just had to use a calculator to figure it out. I guess you stopped counting after 21.) and you are so close to your moving day I’m sure that you’re probably freaking out.

 

So… I just wanted to remind you of a few things, because you tend to get really sad around your birthday.

 

  1. You’re not invisible: You spent a lot of your childhood sad about feeling like you were always overlooked for the pretty girl (and it still happens more than you’d like it to). Whenever you feel that way, you neglect the people that have been there all along for you. You’re lucky that they understand this part of you. Besides, you’re NOT invisible. You’re oblivious. Remember all of those times your friends pointed out that the person you had just left had been hitting on you?
  2. You’re not the person that you were: That’s not a bad thing at all. You were kind of a shithead. Remember when you were so lost that you thought you would never get out of the labyrinth of your own creation? You got out of it and you have the scars to prove it. It would have been easier to have used a chainsaw to get out of it instead of pruning shears, but you had to summon a strength that you didn’t know you had.
  3. Never stop singing: It makes you so happy, even though it makes you no money. In fact, you do a lot of things you love that make you no money (like this website).
  4. You managed to pare down your life into less than eleven boxes. Considering the fact that you can’t throw things away, that’s pretty fucking stellar.
  5. Baby Monkey Riding Backwards on a Pig: I know you’re singing it right now. You. Are. Welcome.

 

I’m sure there are more things I would like to say to you on your birthday, but well… We’re the same person (even if I’m just a part of your past).

 

I’m proud of you.